- I've decided we should all live together.
I think if we all put about $10 each into it,
we could get about a $30 million house.
That's surely enough to fit most of us
at different times of the year.
I'm being choked by my estate agent uniform,
and I'm ready to go look at some property.
Last time I did this, I roasted properties in the UK,
so today my friends, we are going to America;
the land of the eagle, the pop tart,
and some questionable mansions.
I'm gonna look at houses on Zillow, whatever that is.
Sounds like a Pokemon.
Alright, let's say minimum, 500,000.
Maximus, 50 million.
Some of you're gonna have to chip in a bit extra.
There are actually some for 50 million.
All right, this one,
four and a half millie for Philly
in Panselvania.
First impression, it looks like someone has tried
to build it in the "Sims."
That is a very tall chimney.
Why does it need to be that tall?
They've collected all the window sizes and shapes.
Cute though.
What's that large bulge coming out the drive? Bulge.
It could be filled with ice.
You have your own ice rink.
That is a big (dog bark) door.
I'm not a fan of glass, though.
That means you can't hide from people.
Oh, I was not expecting this!
Pink walls, that's kind of giving
the walls I put in Tabitha's bathroom.
I quite like the crazy floor.
Imagine two people just sat, having a meeting there,
in that corridor.
Ooh, more pink.
Very Barbie's Dream Home.
I've seen a lot of these kind of white sofas
on certain parts of the internet.
Although, you couldn't do anything sexy
with Jesus staring at you from that little alcove.
Tile floors, I would slip and crack my head open.
Is this the living room, though?
Where's the TV?
Do they just have to sit and talk?
Scary painting.
Lovely outdoor window there, though.
I like that, that's pretty.
Okay, wow, this is a lot.
Black floor, pink walls, gold ceiling.
It has slight "let's meet up and choose who to sacrifice,"
in a very friendly way, if you know what I mean.
Ugly chair fabric.
Wow, blue!
It's like the gender reveal kitchen.
I am a champion of a bit of color,
but this is a slight nightmare.
So many countertops it's quite claustrophobic.
I feel like I'd get lost in there.
Like, ugh, a countertop!
Another countertop!
Whoa, here's the TV room.
It's a sexy red.
I feel angry, looking at this.
Do we think a vampire could inhabit this home?
Is this a primary bedroom or a football pitch?
You're gonna have to walk three kilometers
to get to the kitchen.
Also, couches next to the bed.
Who's watching your sleep? Mary?
I like that this isn't hyper-masculine though,
like the usual penis shaped houses.
I don't hate that they got a theme.
Wow, oh my God.
Imagine emerging from that bath.
You would feel like a naked god
and then promptly slip down the stairs
and break your neck.
What is happening? (confused laughter)
What is this?
Look at my marble hedgehog balls.
What are all those knobs?
I wonder what they do.
I wanna twist all the knobs.
Oh, it'd be nice in there if it was raining though,
wouldn't it?
So you got a bath and then a bath behind the bath,
so you like, get behind me, Terence.
I'm in the main bath tonight.
Oh, here's the masculine energy I asked for.
Did Dan Howell leak into a bedroom?
See, this is why black walls in your house
are a real choice,
not a fan of the elephant tusks and antelope heads.
There's two double beds in here.
That's an interesting sleeping arrangement.
Kids playroom, another health hazard staircase,
Ugh, is that Deadpool?
That really made me jump, I was like, what?
What the hell is that?
Well, that's nice off the bathroom,
I just strip my towel off and sing.
Casual fountain in the hallway.
What is happening? What?
They've got a whole town in the house?
That's not a real town.
It's insane! What is this?
No, this is like a Vegas casino,
but it is their house.
They've made a wine shop themed wine cellar.
I can't, I mean, (applauding)
They've really carried this pink throughout the house.
We've got a golf thing, sexy cinema.
Do you reckon that's a real Oscar?
Ooh. Ooh. Oh, okay.
I mean, the surroundings look beautiful.
It's a contender.
I feel like if we've got some paints out,
we could all happily live there,
especially there's a whole fricking
Italian village in the basement.
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Right, next.
We're in CO, state of Colofornia.
Right, Colorado.
My main concern is a wolf
or a bear jumping in bed with me.
Well, that might not be so bad, but let's see.
Ooh, that's sexual.
Look at that, you'd feel like fricking Mufasa in that.
Everything here is yours.
Not sure about just that little post, though.
What if an errant beaver just comes
and start gnawing on that?
You're gonna fall off that deck into a mountain cave.
Oh, outdoor fire pit.
This is lovely.
You've got a kitchen
and then the two sofas facing each other,
which I always find a bit like, Ugh.
Why are we having a meeting?
What is this, what?
There's a rock in the house.
There has been a landslide in the stairwell.
I'm assuming it's a bit of indoor-outdoor living.
Nice breakfast bar.
That's enough to rub your whole body on.
Bedroom one has been carved by a beaver.
That's gonna be creaky, isn't it?
If you're getting up to lots of tossing and turning.
Office can be your bear observation window.
I get no work done, I'd be like,
there's a mountain lion, there's a bear.
The eagle's coming in!
What is that? Is that the bath?
What's that bucket doing?
It's like, I didn't get enough mountain
looking out my window.
I need the mountain in my house.
I need more mountain.
Another one, they've literally built this into the rock,
which I commend,
but it also freaks me out a little bit
like there's gonna be a bat
just waiting your bathroom or something.
I'm gonna contemplate life on my giant hand.
The rocks are everywhere!
They're in the bathroom!
What? What's happened here?
That was like a video game
where it's clipping through the floor.
Did there used to be a banister there
and then there was a rock slide?
Is Aunt Jemima still trapped in the basement?
The rocks are everywhere.
And the trees are growing through the house as well.
I kind of like this, though.
We're in nature, but we're letting
the nature grow into the house.
Is it a rock?
Is there a bear in the kitchen?
How hairy is he?
I'd be scared of wilderness death,
but for 900,000, it's a steal.
We're gonna get it, guys.
It's a high contender.
What the frick is the house?
It looks like a camel.
That looks like an actual animal.
It looks like me trying to draw a dog.
This is a real house?
TX, it's in the state of Teex.
(crickets chirping)
I am mind boggled by this.
Oh my gosh, it looks like
one of those things that you draw as a kid
when you open Microsoft Paint
and you just draw those lines and fill in the colors,
but it's a house.
I would have so many migraines in this room,
but I love it.
Imagine sitting in that chair!
Just being like, yeah,
I own this (dog bark) scribble house.
What? What?
No, it's got a bit much for me now.
Ooh, the brown.
That looks like a glitch.
It's lost me a bit with the bathroom.
It's gone from exciting to full headache.
Imagine being drunk in this house.
You'd just fall on your head immediately.
Is that even a room?
That looks like you are inside a spaceship.
What are those curtain rails?
Oh no, you've lost me.
You had me at the start and now I'm scared.
What's that? What's in the middle?
Why is there a metal coat hanger situation going on?
We're back again, that one's sexy.
Spaceship energy.
Oh, look at that.
That's beautiful.
Yes, yes.
Ooh, okay.
Hobbit-ish, but nice, quaint.
Scary torture chair swinging from the ceiling.
That looks like a doorway from a game show.
Ooh, basement's a bit murder-y, not gonna lie.
(stammering in confusion)
Okay, wow. Sensory overload.
I thought I liked color and a bit of quirkiness,
but we have to applaud the creativity.
It's not just a silver and black house,
it's a fricking scribble pine cone headache
and we should respect it.
Alright, we need something ultra minimalist now.
What we got? Ooh, 33 milli.
We're in Flohorifornia.
That's a sexy entrance, with the sky square?
This is pleasing to me.
It looks like a fancy hotel.
That's also nice.
Alright, let me inside Keith.
Ooh, no.
It looks like a CGI rendering.
It doesn't look real.
It's like it's not fully loaded yet.
Is that an AirPod light?
(laughing)
They look like AirPods.
I need one color, please.
Just a little bit of green.
No, stop it.
Alright, nice kitchen.
I'll give him that.
To be fair, that does look like a very relaxing bedroom.
What happens here?
Is that their bath?
Imagine having a bath in that giant egg.
Death trap staircase.
I mean, I'm one to talk,
we do have a floating stairs,
but we do have a handrail.
This is the next level of danger.
Oh god, my legs are feeling wobbly looking at that.
Alright, what are we watching tonight?
We're watching the film or the books?
Welcome to the world where color doesn't exist.
This is like a therapist office meets a bedroom.
I'm a bit scared of this one.
Do you wanna fight or do you want a fuse ball?
Wow, I love that.
I love that color.
That is pleasing to me, just so much green.
Where's their toothbrush?
They got the AstroTurf, though.
And why is AstroTurf so unnaturally green?
Just drop some little dark greens in there.
Maybe a dead little stem,
so it looks like real grass.
It just looks like "Teletubbies" world.
Oh, they got a boat as well
so they can go boating around.
I mean, it's too modern,
but I liked some of the swank factor.
We are in Moregon,
and we're going to American Horror Story, Murder House.
There's 221 photos? Calm down.
I'm gonna be here forever.
Take off your shoes and find the butler.
This looks very dusty.
I feel like I'd need a Claritin if I came here.
A thousand percent haunted.
I can feel the ghosts.
This hallway's like,
how many things can Phil trip over, challenge.
Oh my god, how many cabinets do you need?
Oh, I'm just missing the pepper.
Can you get it from cabinet 73?
Why are there so many doors?
What's in all of these cupboards?
This is the craziest kitchen I've ever seen.
What is happening?
Do you think each one of those is a hatch?
More wooden shutter-y door things.
Oh, we're in the bathroom and there's more cabinets.
This house is just the cabinet house.
You would feel like a queen
waking up in that bed, wouldn't you?
Oh, it's one of those horror movie bath curtain things.
You're just gonna pull it back
and there's gonna be more cabinets.
This whole thing is a definite conjuring situation.
It's a no from me, I'm sorry.
Where would you like to get murdered by the ghost
in photo 234?
What is that?
What is going on there?
Welcome to the sacrificial altar in the office.
Do you think blood comes outta that lion's mouth?
What is this ceiling?
Wow, we've gone full spooky ritual basement.
The wine glasses are floating in the ceiling.
More cabinets!
I bet each of those ceiling panels
is a hatch leading to more cabinets.
Look at that TV.
This place has not been touched since 1991.
Oh, look at that.
What's this hallway about?
This is scary, now.
Something so sinister about that hallway.
I'm being mean.
They do have some nice barnyard chic energy in here.
Oh my gosh, they're all looking at each other.
And a cat? Did Jesus have a pet?
It looks like they're having a meeting.
That's the perspective from the chairs. Wow.
This is like religion cubed.
That is some dedication.
Ooh, cinema room.
A little alien behind it.
Welcome to the mainframe.
Oh my God, that is the biggest dining table I've ever seen.
Can you pass the salt Timothy?
He's just sat there in Sweden, like, what?
Is there a courthouse in here?
What is happening now?
What is this room?
What happens on that chair?
What is that?
What comes down the hole when you're sat on there?
It's just like an endless supply of slime.
That's where you go if you're naughty.
That's only 1.7 million?
We could all fit in there two times.
Imagine playing hide and seek in that!
Right, we are in Az.
Look at my Az.
Azzizona.
Do you know, promising start.
That looks welcoming.
I'm like, ooh, this house is hugging me from all sides.
Casual lake, again, a drunken hazard.
These people drink,
they're gonna end up in the drink.
That door looks like a Rubik's cube.
You've gotta solve it to walk in.
Sinister chandelier,
looks like it's gonna laser your face off.
It's quite a respectable lounge actually,
after all that pomp outside.
What is this room?
Boat energy.
I feel like I'm on a boat in a luxury captain suite.
The closet has two floors?
Imagine being like, oh, my T-shirt's upstairs.
There's like a dimensional rift
is happening in the ceiling as well.
Oh, this looks like the man closet.
Does it ever take you that long to choose your shoes
that you need to watch TV at the same time?
Well, I got you, we're all good.
Murder.
Is this what we would call a farmhouse kitchen?
I just wanna grab one of those pans
and whack someone with it.
Oh, that's a nice rustic cinema.
What is this massive barn outside?
I hope we're going in there now.
Oh my God, it's a whole games complex?
What the hell?
This is the perfect Apocalypse House.
Another kitchen.
Is that a dance studio?
What in the "Ready Player One,"
"Matrix" is going on here?
Oh, I like that.
This has restaurant energy, but it's your house.
What are those things?
Are those just three permanent spouts of champagne
and you're just like, ugh.
Nice jacuzzi moment.
This is just like a resort.
You can move every person you've ever met in this house
and it would still feel big.
Oh my God, what goes on here?
What comes out of the spouts?
What's happening?
I'm scared by this room.
Circular bed, do you reckon it rotates?
Do you reckon it lifts up into that circular opening
so you can see the stars?
If it doesn't, I'm disappointed.
Wait, no. What?
They've got a "Mario Kart" tracking the,
No, that is incredible.
Guys, I feel like we need to move to this one.
This is insane.
You would never ever need to leave the house.
You've got the whole everything you need here.
What even is this?
Oh my God, it's a gun range.
(laughing)
Okay, we wanna be careful with that then.
Don't gun. Gun no.
We don't like the gun.
Entire basketball court?
Who are all these people visiting to watch?
I cannot get over the Mario Kart.
Miscellaneous room of doors.
Sure, why not?
That is an entire butlins in one house.
I don't understand what's happening, I don't know.
I mean, 20 million feels cheap after seeing all that.
Oh my god, there's a full (dog bark) castle.
Does Dracula live here?
What? Where are we?
CT, what is CT?
It's Connecticut.
Who built this?
I'm so excited to look inside.
It has a moat?
I feel like when you build a castle in America,
you're taking our actual castle culture a little bit,
but I'm gonna give it to you
'cause this is opulent as heck.
What is this giant beehive thing?
What happens there?
How is every horror film not filmed here?
Look at that, that is picturesque.
Oh, double grandfather clock. Yes.
Evil meeting zone.
They've got haunted knight armor,
three chandeliers.
It still feels American, though.
For some reason, it feels like
a Cheesecake Factory castle.
I don't know why, I just can't put my finger on it.
Maybe the two giant elephants in the castle.
(laughing)
Maybe that's it.
So intense.
I love the crazy ceiling, though.
Ooh, that's a headache and a half, isn't it?
Look at all these fabrics.
Another Benadryl energy for this house.
Imagine your parents in those two evil chairs
and then you're just a kid, like,
mother, can I have more?
Look that clock shell up there.
(gasping)
Wow, that is a bath.
Let's take a bath in the evil tree tonight, darling.
That's cool.
I do mock these crazy mansions,
but imagine swanning down that staircase.
I'd swan so hard my neck would fall off.
Imagine if you got a Tinder date
and then just arrived at this gate?
I just can't picture it,
being like, hey, do you wanna come over?
We're turret B tonight.
I mean, I'm memeing it,
but I also love it.
My mind is blown, my socks are off.
29 million, we could get this
and have 1 million to spare as well.
Final decision, we're either moving to the Scribble House,
Woodland Lodge filled with rocks,
the Mario Kart house, or the castle.
I'm gonna put a community tab post up
and you guys can decide where we move.
And if you're watching this like a year later,
just leave a comment with your favorite.
Wow America, you really stepped it up with these mansions.
I was not expecting some of the things I have seen
on this fine evening.
You do get a lot of space for your buck over there.
There are so many more houses to roast.
If you wanna see more of this,
I feel like me and Dan should do this.
I wanna hear his sassy remarks.
Gimme a thumbs up.
We could do this on the gaming channel, maybe.
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Check out my last video,
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It was cringey and incredible at the same time.
Hope you have a lovely week and I'll see you later.
Goodbye.