>> Stephen: I WON'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: HEY!
AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY TODAY I'M JOINED AS MY STAGE MANAGER AND
CAMERAMAN AND SOUND PERSON, MY LOVELY WIFE, EVIE.
EF, WON'T YOU JUST JOIN US?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO!
WE JUST GOT A "MATURE" RATING.
AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO HAVE MY WIFE HERE, AND I NEED SOMETHING
TO MAKE ME HAPPY, AND I'M SURE YOU DO, TOO.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE AS A NATION HIT A TERRIBLE MILESTONE
IN THE PANDEMIC, BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES JUST PASSED ONE
MILLION CORONAVIRUS CASES.
THOUGH "SOME DISEASE RESEARCHERS HAVE ESTIMATED THAT THE TRUE
NUMBER OF INFECTIONS MAY BE ABOUT TEN TIMES THE KNOWN
NUMBER."
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY COMFORTING, SOME DISEASE RESEARCHERS!
YOU NEVER HEAR A MOM TELLING HER KID, "I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED
OF THE MONSTER UNDER YOUR BED, BUT, ACTUALLY, THERE COULD BE
TEN MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BED.
BUT THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW, BECAUSE THEY'RE INVISIBLE.
GOOD NIGHT!" EVEN MORE TRAGICALLY, THE NUMBER
OF U.S. CORONAVIRUS FATALITIES IS NOW GREATER THAN U.S. LOSSES
IN THE VIETNAM WAR.
AND JUST LIKE IN THE VIETNAM WAR, DONALD TRUMP IS AWOL.
THAT'S HOW YOU SPEM AHOLE, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO AMERICA HAS OVER ONE MILLION CORONAVIRUS
CASES AND MORE FATALITIES THAN VIETNAM.
THERE'S NO GETTING AROUND IT: THIS IS A SOLEMN DAY-- FOR
EVERYONE EXCEPT PRESIDENTIAL SON-IN-LAW, AND MAN WATCHING YOU
ENJOY THAT LOLLIPOP, JARED KUSHNER.
HERE'S WHAT HARED SAID THIS MORNING ON THE FOX AND THE
FRIEND.
>> I THINK THAT WE HAVE ACHIEVED ALL THE DIFFERENT
MILESTONES THAT ARE NEEDED.
SO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE, AND THIS IS A
GREAT SUCCESS STORY.
AND I THINK THAT THAT'S REALLY, YOU KNOW, WHAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD.
>> Stephen: (AS JARED) "YES, IT'S A GREAT STORY.
MORE PEOPLE DYING UNDER THIS ADMINISTRATION IN 100 DAYS THAN
DIED IN 20 YEARS OF THE VIETNAM WAR.
THAT'S A STORY THAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD.
PERHAPS IN THE BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE 'PREVENTABLE APOCALYPSE
NOW.'" AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A
CLIP.
>> THE SUCCESS...
THE SUCCESS...
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT WAS ASKED ABOUT THOSE INFECTION
NUMBERS TODAY.
>> Reporter: TODAY WE HAD A GRIM MILESTONE OF ONE MILLION CASES
OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
BACK IN LATE FEBRUARY, YOU PREDICTED THAT THE NUMBER OF
CASES WOULD GO DOWN TO ZERO.
HOW DID WE GET FROM YOUR PREDICTION OF ZERO TO ONE
MILLION?
>> WELL, IT WILL GO DOWN TO ZERO, ULTIMATELY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE.
TECHNICALLY, IN TIME, WE ALL EVENTUALLY GO DOWN TO ZERO,
WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE TARGET WEIGHT.
TRUMP HAS BEEN CRITICIZED FOR THE LACK OF TESTING, BUT HE
DOESN'T SEE THE PROBLEM.
>> WE ARE DOING MORE TESTING THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE
WORLD BY FAR.
SO, WE'RE GONNA SHOW MORE CASES, BECAUSE WE ARE DOING MUCH, MUCH
MORE TESTING, DOUBLE ANYBODY ELSE.
SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU ADD EVERYBODY ELSE COMBINED, THAT
WOULD BE A NUMBER.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
THAT WOULD BE A NUMBER.
TOMORROW, HE'S GOING TO DO COLORS AND SHAPES.
PLUS, IT MAY BE A NUMBER, BUT DON'T BELIEVE TRUMP.
THAT NUMBER IS NOT ONE, BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO PER-CAPITA
TESTING, THE UNITED STATES. IS BELOW THE WORLD AVERAGE AND
ABOUT THE SAME AS BELARUS.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, BELARUS WAS FORMERLY PART OF THE SOVIET
UNION AND CURRENTLY A COUNTRY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE "ABOUT THE
SAME AS."
NOW, THIS PRESS CONFERENCE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT EVERYTHING
HE WAS DOING TO HELP SMALL BUSINESSES, AND TRUMP HIT THEM
WITH SOME PHILOSOPHY.
>> SMALL BUSINESS.
IT IS ACTUALLY VERY BIG BUSINESS, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
IT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SMALL IS ACTUALLY VERY BIG.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I PAID STORMY TO SAY."
THE WHITE HOUSE IS HAVING TO DO SOME CLEAN-UP AFTER MIKE PENCE
VISITED THE MAYO CLINIC AND WOULDN'T WEAR A MASK.
FINALLY, A MEDICAL EXPLANATION FOR WHY SEEING MIKE PENCE'S FACE
MAKES YOU FEEL ILL.
AND IT EXPLAINS WHY HIS SECRET SERVICE AGENT WAS WEARING THIS
ONE.
PENCE WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS DISREGARD FOR THE RULES, AND
HE SAID THIS: >> SINCE I DON'T HAVE THE
CORONAVIRUS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO
BE HERE, TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO THESE RESEARCHERS, THESE
INCREDIBLE HEALTHCARE PERSONNEL, AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND SAY
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STILL LOOK THEM IN THE EYE WITH A MASK.
IT'S NOT A BLINDFOLD.
ALSO, "I DON'T HAVE CORONAVIRUS" ISN'T AN EXCUSE FOR
NOT PROTECTING OTHER PEOPLE.
IT'S LIKE A GUY SAYING, "I DON'T NEED TO WEAR A CONDOM.
I WANT TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE AND SAY THANK YOU."
THAT WAS POLITE.
NO, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT ONE?
TOO BAD.
BY THE WAY, FOR MIKE PENCE, "LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE" IS
SECOND BASE.
PENCE POINTED OUT THAT HE'S PRETTY SURE HE'S NOT CONTAGIOUS.
>> I'M TESTED FOR THE CORONAVIRUS ON A REGULAR BASIS,
AND EVERYONE WHO IS AROUND ME IS TESTED FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> Stephen: NONE OF US CAN GET A TEST, AND YOU'RE OUT THERE
BRAGGING ABOUT HOW OFTEN YOU'RE TESTED.
THAT'S LIKE MOTHER TERESA VISITING THE HUNGRY WHILE
SCARFING A HOAGIE.
THE REASON WE HAVE TO WEAR MASKS IS THE VIRUS IS STILL OUT THERE,
AND WE HAVE TO BE WARY OF IT WHEN GATHERING IN PUBLIC SPACES,
WHICH WE'RE ABOUT TO DO A LOT MORE OF BECAUSE THE BIGGEST MALL
OPERATOR IN THE UNITED STATES PLANS TO REOPEN 49 OF THEM.
NO!
BOOD MALL!
THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
WE MUST KEEP SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM AUNTIE ANNE.
SHE'S VERY OLD.
AND SO ARE THE PRESSILS.
THE MALLS ARE MAKING SPECIAL SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENTS, AND FOOD
COURT SEATING WILL BE SPACED TO ENCOURAGE SOCIAL DISTANCING, AND
REUSABLE TRAYS WILL BE BANISHED.
THAT'S RIGHT-- "BANISHED."
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE, HIS NOBLE HIGHNESS BURGER KING HEREBY
BANISHES FROM THE REALM ALL REUSABLE TRAYS.
AND FOR FAILING TO BEAR HIM A SON, HER MAJESTY, THE DAIRY
QUEEN, SHALL BE BEHEADED WITH A PLASTIC SPORK."
AS A FURTHER PRECAUTION, IN RESTROOMS, EVERY OTHER SINK AND
URINAL WILL BE TAPED OFF.
WELL, THAT'S AT LEAST GOOD NEWS FOR ONE COMPANY: RALPH'S SINK
AND URINAL TAPE.
"IT'S BOOM TIME, BABY!
IN YOUR FACE, 'JOHNNY'S BIG GARBAGE BAG YOU PUT OVER THE
WHOLE TOILET!'" WITH THESE MALLS OPENING UP,
IT'S AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY FOR STORES THAT CATER TO SOCIAL
ISOLATION, LIKE "FOREVER 21 FEET APART," AND "GAMESTOP."
THERE WAS AN INSPIRING MESSAGE TODAY FROM NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND
MAN WATCHING STEPHEN MILLER SWALLOW A MOUSE, ANDREW CUOMO.
AT TODAY'S COVID BRIEFING, CUOMO STRESSED THAT IT'S ORDINARY
AMERICANS LIKE YOU WHO ARE LEADING THE WAY ON THE
CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE.
AND ARTS AND CRAFTS WERE INVOLVED.
>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU A SELF-PORTRAIT THAT WAS DONE BY
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
THIS IS A SELF-PORTRAIT OF AMERICA.
OKAY?
THAT IS A SELF-PORTRAIT OF AMERICA.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT SPELLS?
IT SPELLS "LOVE."
WE'VE RECEIVED THOUSANDS OF MASKS FROM ALL ACROSS AMERICA,
UNSOLICITED, IN THE MAIL: HOMEMADE, CREATIVE, PERSONAL,
WITH BEAUTIFUL NOTES FROM ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
LITERALLY.
JUST SAYING, "THINKING ABOUT YOU," "WE CARE," "WE LOVE YOU,"
"WE WANT TO HELP."
>> Stephen: THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I BET THOSE
NOTES DIDN'T SAY?
"WHY DON'T YOU STAPLE GUN THESE MASKS TO A WALL?"
AGAIN IT IS A BEAUTIFUL-- IT IS A LOVELY GESTURE.
GOD BLESS EVERYONE WHO DID THIS.
BUT WE'RE GOING THROUGH A PANDEMIC.
I'M NOT SURE THE BEST USE OF MEDICAL EQUIPMENT IS MAKING A
COLLAGE.
THAT'S LIKE A FOOD BANK SAYING, "THANKS FOR YOUR DONATION!
THIS CAN OF BEANS WILL BE A GREAT ADDITION TO OUR BEAN CAN
WALL!
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, IT SPELLS 'BEAN.'"
NOW-- YOU WEREN'T SURE WHERE THAT JOKE WAS GOING, WERE YOU?
YOU'RE NOT SURE, WOULD THIS BE WORTH THE TRIP?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS.
>> Stephen: TOTALLY WORTH THE TRIP.
THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS OUT THERE.
RESEARCHERS AT OXFORD UNIVERSITY HAVE DEVELOPED A VACCINE THAT'S
EFFECTIVE IN MONKEYS.
OH, THOSE LUCKY MONKEYS, ALWAYS GETTING THE FIRST INJECTIONS.
WHILE THE REST OF US ARE COOPED UP AT HOME, THESE MONKEYS
ARE WALKING AROUND RESUMING THEIR NORMAL LIVES LIKE SPORTS,
CAT WASHING, AND WRITING MY SHOW.
RESEARCHERS INOCULATED SIX MONKEYS WITH THEIR VACCINE.
THESE ANIMALS WERE THEN EXPOSED TO HEAVY QUANTITIES OF THE
VIRUS, I ASSUME BY GOING BOWLING IN GEORGIA.
BUT HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS: MORE THAN 28 DAYS LATER, ALL SIX WERE
HEALTHY.
THIS IS IMPORTANT, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCHER WHO
CONDUCTED THE TEST, "THE RHESUS MACAQUE IS PRETTY MUCH THE
CLOSEST THING WE HAVE TO HUMANS."
WELL, ANY DRUNK, LONELY ZOOKEEPER COULD HAVE TOLD YOU
THAT.
OXFORD'S SCIENTISTS HAD ALREADY BEEN WORKING ON A VACCINE FOR A
DIFFERENT STRAIN OF CORONAVIRUS, SO IF THIS VACCINE PROVES SAFE
AND EFFECTIVE, THE FIRST FEW MILLION DOSES COULD BE AVAILABLE
BY SEPTEMBER.
YES!
JUST IN TIME TO GO OUT AND RAKE THE FALL LEAVES.
AND THEN USE THEM AS TOILET PAPER.
BECAUSE I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO RUN OUT BY THEN.
THIS VACCINE PRESENTS ONE ETHICAL DILEMMA.
SEE, SCIENTISTS CAN'T EXPOSE TEST SUBJECTS TO A DANGEROUS
VIRUS ON PURPOSE, LEADING ONE RESEARCHER TO SAY, "WE'RE THE
ONLY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY WHO WANT THE NUMBER OF NEW
INFECTIONS TO STAY UP FOR ANOTHER FEW WEEKS, SO WE CAN
TEST OUR VACCINE."
REALLY, YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE?
HAVE YOU MET VICE PRESIDENT DISEASE VECTOR?
CORONAVIRUS IS IMPACTING EVERY ASPECT OF OUR LIVES.
AND NOW IT'S COME FOR OUR MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE, AWARD SHOWS,
BECAUSE THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT, DUE TO THE NATIONWIDE LOCKDOWN, THE 2021
OSCARS WILL CONSIDER FILMS THAT DIDN'T PLAY IN THEATERS.
OKAY, WELL, THIS IS HUGE NEWS FOR ALL 412 HALLMARK CHRISTMAS
MOVIES LIKE "THE CHRISTMAS SANTA," "A SANTA FOR CHRISTMAS,"
"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, SANTA," AND "'TWAS THE
NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS."
IT'S MOSTLY ABOUT BREAKING DOWN BOXES.
THE ACADEMY STRESSED THAT THIS CHANGE ISN'T PERMANENT, AND THE
TEMPORARY RULES ARE VERY STRICT, BECAUSE TO BE CONSIDERED, THE
STREAMED FILM MUST HAVE ALREADY HAD A PLANNED THEATRICAL
RELEASE.
AND, LIKE PREVIOUS OSCARS, THE FILMS MUST BE ABOUT A WHITE
PERSON SOLVING RACISM.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, I AGREE WITH THE ACADEMY-- IN FACT, I THINK
THEY SHOULD GO FURTHER.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIES RELEASED STRAIGHT TO STREAMING
ARE?
TV!
IPSO TUXED-O, I SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE FOR AN OSCAR!
MY SHOW IS EXACTLY LIKE A MOVIE: THERE'S A SOUNDTRACK, THERE'S
BIG STARS, AND NO GOOD TIME TO SNEAK OFF TO THE BATHROOM.
I USUALLY JUST GO DURING "MEANWHILE."
WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GU GUESTS ARE SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR, AND MAYOR PETE
BUTTIGIEG.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SEX.
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING WHEN I SAID, "SEX?"
WHY DOES THE IDEA OF SEX AND ME MAKE YOU LAUGH?
STOP?
OKAY.
I SHOULD STOP.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪