-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
You're here. You all made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you watch MSNBC, I want to say,
happy Indigenous Peoples' Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you watch Fox News, I want to say happy Columbus Day.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. 530 years ago,
Columbus went on a trip but never made it
to his intended destination.
Today we call that flying Southwest Airlines.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, today is also Canadian Thanksgiving.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, happy Thanksgiving.
It's just like American Thanksgiving,
except everyone goes around the table
saying what they're "sorree" for.
[ Laughter ] "Sorree."
Americans can never have Thanksgiving on a Monday.
We need at least three days to digest that meal. Right?
Let's get to some news.
Over the weekend, former President Trump held a rally
in Nevada and he tried to downplay
his classified-documents scandal
by bringing up some former presidents.
Check this out.
-Barack Hussein Obama moved more than 20 truckloads,
over 33 million pages of documents,
both classified and unclassified,
to a poorly built and totally unsafe
former furniture store.
Bill Clinton took millions of documents from the White House
to a former car dealership in Arkansas
and kept classified recordings in his sock drawer.
So we call it the Sock Case.
George H.W. Bush took millions of documents
to a former bowling alley and a former Chinese restaurant,
where they combined them.
So, they're in a bowling alley/Chinese restaurant.
[ Laughter ]
-That's what the Trump robot at Disney sounds like
when someone spills coffee on the circuit board.
It's like -- [As Trump] "It's a bowling alley,
but it's not a Chinese restaurant."
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- according to a new poll, if the GOP
doesn't win control of Congress in the midterms,
nearly 40% of Republicans will blame election fraud.
Yeah, and when they heard the results, 40% of Republicans
were like, "That poll was rigged."
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news.
"Smile" came in first at the box office again this past weekend.
And "Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile" came in second.
Well, apparently the makers of "Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile"
are trying to pivot to make it more like "Smile,"
but I'm not sure it works.
Check out the new trailer I just saw today.
♪♪
-I'm seeing something no one else can see except for me.
It's smiling at me.
No!
[ Laughter ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
The worst smile I've ever seen.
[ Laughter ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Okay. Interesting, right? -Wow.
"Smyle, Smyle, Crocodile."
Well, switching gears, the U.S. Postal service announced
that it wants to raise stamp prices from 60 to 63 cents.
And based on the number of people who still write letters,
that could create up to $10 in new revenue.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, it is the beginning of the week,
and I thought it'd be nice to kick things off
with a few words of encouragement.
It's time for some "Monday Motivations."
-♪ Monday Motivations ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-When Timothée Chalamet has to cry on camera,
he thinks about how he's never met you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That gray hair just fell onto your head from someone else.
[ Applause ]
You could run a marathon, but you're so selfless,
you prefer to just cheer other people on from home.
[ Applause ]
Everyone finishes their popcorn before the movie starts.
It's what you're supposed to do.
[ Applause ]
You're the hot sibling, the smart sibling,
and the funny sibling.
And that's not just because you're the only sibling.
[ Applause ]
It's actually your phone who's addicted to you.
[ Applause ]
And finally, you've used so many paper straws that now,
in turtle language, "Jessica" means "God."
♪♪
I can see everyone's in a good mood.
That's right, 'cause today Amazon kicked off
their second Prime Day event of the year.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Yeah.
It's that special event
that only happens once every twice a year.
That's what I say. [ Laughter ]
For Prime Day, I saw Amazon
was offering discounts on DNA test kits.
It's for people who want to know who their father is,
but not enough to pay full price, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Amazon's also offering huge deals on Pelotons.
Or you can wait three months and get the company for free.
[ Laughter ] It's up to you.
They also have deals on smart watches,
cocktail shakers, and knife sets.
So it's a great day to save if you're James Bond.
[ Laughter and cheers ]
Guys, speaking of movies, I heard that Tom Cruise
is set to film a movie in space, becoming the first civilian
to walk outside the International Space Station.
Yeah. Even crazier, the movie is "Jerry Maguire 2."
[ Laughter ]
"Do you know the human head weighs zero pounds in space?"
[ Laughter ]
"Help me help the moon. Help me to help the moon."
[ Laughter ]
It's a big deal. When they heard, the Space Force was like,
"Oh, come on. We haven't even gone up yet.
Come on. This is getting insane.
Let us do something."
Let's get to some news. Today, President Biden and other G7
leaders held a virtual meeting with Ukrainian president
Zelenskyy and pledged to support Ukraine for as long as it takes.
Yep, nothing says "we're totally here for you"
like a Zoom meeting from 5,000 miles away.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Totally. We're here. We're here for you."
But Biden promised Zelenskyy that the U.S. will continue
providing Ukraine with the support needed to defend itself.
It was a strong, powerful message, until the other leaders
said, "Joe, you're on mute. Joe? Joe?
You're on -- Press --"
[ Applause ]
"We can't hear. Press mute. We can't --"
Meanwhile, today, a top British spy official said that Russia
is running out of ammunition.
That's pretty bad. Right now their best strategy
is, "What if we deliver Ukraine giant fun doll, and in doll
is another doll, and in that doll is another doll,
and inside that doll -- wait for it --
it's just me saying, 'My bad'?"
[ Laughter ]
Guys, people are talking about this. After Saudi Arabia worked
with Russia to cut oil production,
Biden has decided to re-evaluate
the country's relationship with the U.S.
Yep. When they heard,
Tom and Gisele was like, "Oh, it's over."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I just saw that North Korea just released images of
Kim Jong-un overseeing a missile launch.
And one of the photos really caught my eye.
Take a look at this.
Yeah, can we zoom in on --
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
He looks like he ran nude through an Ann Taylor loft.
[ Laughter ]
It's that hot new look this fall season -- coastal dictator.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like a beekeeper on his lunch break.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? A lot of Dunkin' Donuts
customers are outraged over changes to
their customer rewards system, saying the perks aren't as good.
Well, Dunkin' just issued a response.
Take a look at this.
-You gotta collect a few more points to get a free coffee?
Cry me a Charles rivah, pal.
We didn't get a location every five feet on the Freedom Trail
by handing out free coffee.
You want to talk problems? We've had two shift supervisors
call out today, so that means Janelle's gotta close
and she never restocks the sugar packets.
So go ahead, go to Starbucks.
Go look your father in the eyes while drinking a caramel ribbon
crunch frappuccino, 'cause he's got the same points system we
do, and it's right between his ring and index finger.
Dunkin'. You want "Sorry"?
Go to Tim Hortons.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tim Hortons?
Guys, get this, I read that AstraZeneca's new COVID vaccine
nasal spray just suffered a major setback
in its first human trial.
I'm just worried this could ruin
their reputation as the fourth-best vaccine option.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, AstraZeneca said the initial testing on humans
did not yield the desired protection.
Basically, they invented
the Tom's Natural Deodorant of vaccines.
[ Laughter ]
Last night on CNN, President Biden sat down
for a prime-time interview with Jake Tapper.
At one point, Tapper asked the President whether his age is
a concern, and Biden said, "Not at all, Wolf."
[ Laughter ]
I think Biden is sick of this question because he responded,
"I'm so old, I remember when people watched CNN."
[ Laughter ]
I got a feeling they're not going to stop questioning
Biden's sharpness until he says,
"Person, woman, man, camera, TV."
[ Laughter ]
When they got to the topic of Russia, Biden said that
Vladimir Putin totally miscalculated
by invading Ukraine.
And I believe him because if there's one thing
Biden's an expert on, it's miscalculating.
-Let me start off with two words.
Made in America.
[ Laughter ]
-Close enough. Who cares? Two words.
[ Applause ]
Biden also said he has no intention of meeting with Putin
at next month's G20 summit.
Meanwhile, Trump and Putin are
planning a couple's Halloween costume.
"No, Donald, I'm the avocado. You're the toast."
[ Laughter ]
Tapper also asked Biden about the economy
and where it's headed. Take a look at this.
-Should the American people prepare for a recession?
-No. Look, they've been saying this now how --
every six months they say this.
There's no guarantee that there's gonna be a rec--
I don't think there will be a recession.
If it is, it will be a very slight recession.
[ Laughter ]
-A slight recession? Yeah.
I wouldn't invite someone to a party
if you told me they had a smidge of COVID.
Do you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Just a little bit.
Some big entertainment news, guys.
Our good friend Blake Shelton just announced that
after next season he's leaving "The Voice."
[ Audience awws ]
Yep, Blake is stepping away from his chair so he can go home
and spend more time in his chair.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, guys, there's a lot going on in the news right now,
but instead of me just telling you about it,
I thought it would be nice to give you the chance
to decide what we talk about.
That's right, it's time for "You Pick the Joke."
Here we go. -♪ Joke ♪
♪ You pick the joke ♪
-So, here's how it works. I'm going to show you two news
stories, then you guys get to pick which one we talk about.
Here we go. Let's take a look at story number one.
-Gas prices are on the rise in the U.S.
and could soon hit the national average of $4 a gallon.
-Mm. Here's story number two.
-A bizarre story out of Westmoreland County tonight.
-Police say a man took off all his clothes and started eating
vegetables out of people's backyard gardens.
[ Laughter ] -Alright.
Which story do you want to talk about, one or two?
-Two! -Two.
Okay, alright. Good choice.
That's right. -Oh, my God.
-A naked guy was in people's gardens eating their vegetables.
Homeowners were like, "Honey, is that a string bean
in the cucumber patch?" [ Laughter and applause ]
-That's nuts.
-Let's try another story up here. It's up to you.
Here's story number one.
-The Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences was awarded
to three U.S.-based economists.
-Alright. Now here's story number two.
-There is new video of a failed robbery attempt
at a fast-food restaurant.
According to Houston police,
the suspect told the employees this was his first robbery.
He had a change of heart, and then he leaves empty-handed.
-Yeah. Want to talk about one or two?
-Two! -Great choice. That's right.
First-time robber changed his mind about the robbery.
He was like, "Give me all your money, or not!
Either way, I just hope we can be friends!"
[ Laughter ] "I just want to be friends.
It's just -- We have a lot in common."
[ Applause ]
Alright. Let's do one last batch.
It's your choice. Here's story number one.
-There is a renewed possibility of a rail strike
after the country's third-largest railroad union
rejected a labor deal.
-And here's story number two.
-A nursing home in Taiwan is apologizing after hiring
a stripper to perform for senior citizens.
-Want to talk about one or talk about story number two?
-Two! -Alright, perfect.
That's a great choice. That's right.
They brought in strippers to a nursing home.
The seniors loved it. It was the first time anyone
made it rain with nickels and pennies.
Guys, it seems like there's so much going on right now.
The Major League Baseball playoffs are under way.
Tomorrow the movie "Halloween Ends" comes out.
[ Cheering ] Yeah.
This week, former President Trump
made fraudulent claims
that other ex-presidents stole documents, as well.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And Burger King just debuted a Ghost Pepper Whopper
with an orange bun.
I mean, there's a lot to go over,
so let's jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash."
♪♪
First up, former President Trump.
He's spreading made-up stories that Obama,
Clinton, and the Bushes all stole classified documents.
Man, this guy just will not go away.
Trump's basically the real-life version of...
Michael Myers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Halloween Ends" is the 13th movie in the franchise.
If you watch them all in a row, it'd take over 20 hours,
which is basically the length of...
a baseball game.
The playoffs are here,
but the Mets already got knocked out.
Their fans are sick about it.
And you know what else will make you sick?
Burger King's Ghost Pepper Whopper
with an orange bun.
[Southern accent] That thing ain't natural.
[Normal voice] I mean, seriously,
why would you want a bun that's freakishly...
orange?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Trump's gotten himself into trouble
and, rather than tell the truth, he just keeps telling...
Whoppers.
It's got ghost peppers in the cheese.
This thing is so spicy, it's guaranteed to give you the...
runs. They are what you need
in the playoffs.
Without them, you'll lose games and get...
eliminated.
Michael Myers is a symbol of Halloween,
and nothing says "Halloween" more than...
a pumpkin. At this point --
At this point, Trump can't even find a good lawyer.
Everyone that he texts just...
ghosts.
Those peppers will mess you up.
If your family eats those, you'll all be feeling it in your
ends. So, in conclusion...
Crack of the bat. Don't eat that.
Look who's back. Dude is whack.
This has been a "News Smash."
♪♪
As I mentioned, this weekend, "Halloween Ends,"
which is the 13th and final movie
in the "Halloween" franchise, hits theaters.
You can tell Michael Myers is getting old
because, in this final film, he runs for president.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You can tell Michael Myers is getting old
because he needs someone to cut his people for him.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. "Halloween Ends" is about to hit theaters.
[ Laughter ]
That's a slow one, but you get it eventually.
You know, it's not bad.
Even though it's the end of Michael Myers,
they're already considering some spinoffs
that sound just as terrifying.
For example, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next, there's...
Like, "I hope it's alright."
Next, there's...
Oh, my.
Next, there's...
It just -- Just doesn't work.
Next, there's...
Oh, no!
And, finally, there's...
They're exactly as scary.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Switching gears, you guys see this yesterday on Fox Business?
They were talking about inflation,
and one of the contributors had a pretty wild complaint.
Watch this. This is real.
-You want to know how bad inflation is?
Yesterday, yes, I had a nice lunch at Taco Bell.
Cost me about $28 at Taco Bell for lunch.
-Wait a minute. You spent $28 at Taco Bell...
-Yeah. -...for just yourself?
-[ Laughs ] -For lunch, yeah.
-Really? -It's true.
-Okay. -Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The only way Taco Bell costs $28
is if you include the weed you buy in the parking lot.
That is it. That is absolutely...
[ Applause ]
Seriously, if you ate $28 worth of Taco Bell,
you wouldn't be on TV. You'd be on a stretcher.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, guys, I read that Subway said that they've --
now experiencing record-setting sales.
Yep, Subway is doing great.
The CEO was like, "Take that, real tuna."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone loves TikTok,
but sometimes you don't have time to watch a whole video,
that you just want to skip right to the good part.
Well, it turns out you can.
For instance, if you're watching a video,
you can skip this part.
[ Clanking ] -Oh, Lord.
-And go right to this. -Oh, God!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let me -- Another example. You can skip this part.
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, no! Oh, no-o-o!
-And go right to this.
-Ohh!
-According to a new poll,
Prince William has been decrowned
as the world's sexiest bald man by Vin Diesel.
[ Applause ]
And Vin Diesel actually commented on it.
Listen to this.
I don't know what he's -- He's lost his mind.
What is he talking about?
And finally, a French automaker just unveiled
a new one-passenger electric vehicle
that rides on three wheels
and can be driven without a license.
Here it is. Look at this. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.
It's called Le Death Trap.