This morning, I woke up to a light dusting of frost
and the pale pink sunrise emerging from the horizon
after many weeks of heavy rainfall.
Mornings are still dark up until 8am,
and waking up for sunrise
is easier this time of the year.
Albeit very cold.
I wrap up warm.
In fact, don't get fooled by my lightly dressed appearance here
as I am wearing five layers of clothing.
But my face and hands
still get cold on these long morning walks.
Today, I finally feel like
a fully functioning human being again.
It's as though my thoughts cleared out
just like the sky after the rain,
after weeks of heavy brooding.
I can't say I'm fully there yet.
Every now and then my mind
wanders and brings up
past anxieties and worries.
But overall, I am indeed on the path to healing.
The river flooded most of the footpaths,
and fields where I used to go so often.
Just a few weeks ago
I ran through these fields meeting another sunrise.
But today it’s home to flocks of birds,
seagulls, swans and geese.
Wildlife seems to be happy about this expanded habitat.
And I can only look at the view
from the distance,
admiring how the sky reflects
in the still water
and hoping that things
will go back to normal
without any sufficient damage.
Each day I try to find ways to add joy into my life
In the midst of freezing winter.
It's really all in simple things.
Bringing home a bunch of colorful
tulips to remind myself of spring.
Lifting my face up towards
the cold winter sun.
Baking a cake for no particular reason.
Just to help me bear
through the long winter nights.
I made a carrot cake for the first time.
It's one of those desserts
I have a love hate relationship with,
as I am very particular
about the way I like it.
It's always
either too dry or too sweet or too heavy,
but I wanted to
try and make my own version of it.
I will, as always, include the full recipe
in the description.
I often think about my life,
its purpose,
the reasoning behind everything I do.
It's silly, but I used to only do things
which I thought may bring me closer
to who I want it to be.
A noun:
a musician, a photographer, a filmmaker,
a baker, or a journalist or
engineer or anthropologist.
I bothered so much about
efficiency and productivity,
about doing the right thing
and monetizable thing, if you will.
I never realized
that there is so much more beyond that.
I went to film school,
studied to become a filmmaker,
thinking that going on the linear path,
getting a degree, then a steady job in that same profession
is the only way to do it.
Until I met a person who told me
that they studied history and science,
and that's much more valuable
in filmmaking than a film degree is.
It expands your horizon, adds a point of view
someone who had only learned
about cameras wouldn't have.
It sounded so simple, yet so mind blowing to me.
I realized that the most interesting people
I ever met are not nouns.
They are verbs. They read, sing, make art,
bake, hike, write, research, learn, live.
They, of course, do things
that are needed
for pure survival, as we all do.
But that's not what defines them.
In fact,
nothing defines them
but a pure desire to live a full life.
I would like to quote Oscar Wilde here
And not that the words of a
somewhat hedonistic 19th century writer
are the most accurate
depiction of our lives today.
I think this quote bears some relevance to
what I'm trying to say.
“If you want to be a grocer or a general
or a politician or a judge,
you will invariably become it.
That is your punishment.
If you never know what you want to be,
if you live
what some might call the dynamic life.
But what I will call the artistic life
if each day you are unsure of who you are
and what you know,
you will never become anything.
And that is your reward.
I would like to add that in my opinion,
there is nothing wrong with knowing
exactly who you want to be
and sometimes being lost and not knowing
your purpose is quite unbearable.
But I see this more as an invitation
to experiment and explore
what you don't know.
It's not about being unrealistic,
dropping everything
and plunging into the abyss of unknown,
but about intentionally adding
little activities into your life
which bring nothing but pure joy.
It's about noticing:
How the sky turns bright orange above the horizon,
how clouds turned pink and dissipated
in just a few seconds before your eyes,
the warmth of winter sun as it touches
your skin for the first time.
Tiny spiderwebs covered in frost
glistening like crystals in the morning sun.
Little insignificant details
that make life worth living.
Or most significant of all?..
I will leave you here today
as I continue pondering over these thoughts.
January's for endless musings.
The stretch of time
between who we’ve been and who we will become
A blank page, an intermission.
A moment of suspense.
A month of stillness
before the chaos of life
comes again as a whirlwind
and sweeps us into the wonderful, messy,
beautiful state of existence.
I hope you take a moment to notice
something beautiful today,
no matter how small.
Thank you so much for watching and
I will see you next time.