this Sunday 3 p.m. Pacific time we'll be raising money for the nonprofit
organization faces and voices of recovery and because of that I wanted to
share my story of how I tried taking my own life with pills alright I don't like
sharing this story but my goal is that I hope it can help give some hope to
anybody out there who's struggling with addiction or depression or even loved
ones because this can get better alright so in case you didn't get it from the
title we will be talking about some sensitive subjects in this video if
you're struggling go ahead and you can turn off this video but check out the
description down below because there are some links to some resources what's up
everybody this is Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem but
focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is all about
mental health it's about addiction recovery and yeah I just try to you know
share my experience and share the things that I've learned over the years to try
to help out anybody else who might be struggling as well as educate people and
spread some awareness so if you're into that stuff make sure you subscribe
entering that notification bellow and like I said make sure you're here 3 p.m.
Pacific time this Sunday December 15th because we are raising money for the
amazing organization faces and voices of recovery alright so yeah there's gonna
be a little bit of a story time I've been sober I'm coming up in ten and ten
days it'll be seven a half years clean and sober I haven't had a drink or a
drug since June 23rd 2012 and a lot of people don't understand the connection
between addiction and depression and suicidal thoughts and all these other
things so for some of you out there who have
never struggled with substance abuse like many of us who are recovering drug
addicts or even people in their addiction even though we might not have
the exact same experience we understand that pain we understand that suffering
and I share my story because I I want people to know that it can get better
alright but I had to put in a lot of work so 2012 was you know one of the
worst years of my life it was when I was hitting my rock bottom so around that
time 2012 by that time my son's mom and I we had already split split up because
of my drug addiction that's what it was and we were no longer together and I got
to see my son on the weekends but by that time you know friends didn't want
anything to do with me family members didn't want anything to do with me
because all I did I was just this this thing that was constantly asking for
money and blowing up on people and snapping on people because my my only
goal in life was to figure out ways to drink and use drugs and I had a job I
was actually a customer service manager at this shady call center which I might
do a video about this call center was just the worse like just to put it in
perspective and it was this soul-sucking job some of you saw my Instagram live
yesterday you heard me talking about soul sucking jobs basically this call
center it it was taking advantage of people who were already taken advantage
of by MLMs and I absolutely hated it all right and I might do a video diving into
that at a later time because I know what it's like to work at a terrible job but
anyways so I I would have my son on the weekends but around that time like I was
broke I was constantly getting eviction notices I was living in this apartment
by myself and it was the most disgusting little apartment not disgusting like the
area but disgusting because I had given up on life and with
the way addiction works like nothing was bringing me joy or meaning or purpose in
my life except for the drugs that's the only reason why I was alive alive was to
get more and to use more they've got to a point where you know I I hadn't paid
my car insurance or registration in almost two years and towards the end my
truck actually got impounded I got pulled over and I didn't have anything
so I took it I didn't have the money to get it back because I spent it all on
drugs and what eventually happened was my son was about three years old at that
time and he was you know he was talking but he wasn't like talking talking and
and yeah like you know I I was there with my son but I wasn't present with my
son and I was you know getting high while he was there and he was in my care
and like and trust me I hate talking about this stuff but anyways he started
going back home to his mom's house and saying daddy's sleeping daddy's sleeping
daddy always sleeping right and my son's mom obviously knowing that I had a drug
problem she like confronted me about it I'm like oh he's just a kid and yeah we
take naps sometimes or whatever but yeah like it was because my drug addiction
and thank God for people like my mom who refused to enable me but my mom
convinced my son's mom not to let me see my son anymore
until I got better and I was pissed I was furious about this like my own
mother was telling her not to let me see my son you know but that's part of the
insanity of addiction like I couldn't understand that and rather than getting
better I just got worse I got worse like you
know there was a really only two things keeping me alive which was the drugs
and my son and now my son was taken away from me and a lot of people I can't
speak on everybody's experience but I can speak on my own but a lot of people
you know they they wonder like why are people with addictions like slowly
killing themselves and you know because a lot of us don't just commit you know
suicide in traditional way and like for me like I I was too much of
a wuss to do it I was way too much of a wuss to actually take my own life like
but I knew the drugs were killing me so I was like I'll just keep using but I
was so mad at my son's mom and my mom that I just I got worse and I started
going out and partying more and this is one of the reasons why I try to teach
people to surround yourself with better friends because I had awful friends at
that time like they were good in the sense that I could use a lot of drugs
around them and they would give me drugs and everything like that and that in
that sense they were amazing friends but there were terrible friends because they
were enabling me right they didn't tell me you know and and it's not their
responsibility to save my life in in hindsight a lot of them were struggling
with their own addictions you know but rather than life saying well Chris why
don't you try to get clean and you know so you can see your son again like
they'd be like Oh screw her man screw her let's just use some more and stuff
like that so I was slowly losing everything in my
life like I said I lost my truck lost my son I started getting eviction notices
there was even a point where they they locked me out of my own house and like I
I would sleep in my in my friends living room my sliding door was kind of broken
so you could Jimmy it open so sometimes after the office closed I would hop over
my my patio and then sneak into my apartment and sleep and then leave
before everything opened up there was no electricity because the power was off it
was just this awful terrible life but anyways a major part of my addiction
to was alcohol like I started alcoholism and then I got into pills but
I I just started mixing them heavily so I'm mixing them heavily and every single
night I was going to sleep with a handful of pills and a bottle of rum and
I was just like you know if there is a God don't let me wake up
do not let me wake up tomorrow morning because I don't want to do this again I
don't want to go through this whole thing of being miserable and not having
anything and just seeing who I can lie cheat or steal from to try to get more
drugs like I don't want to do that and you know so every night I was hoping
that I would just die in my sleep you know and I would wake up in the morning
to the sun shining through my my window and I'd be pissed because I had to do it
all over again so every single night I was taking I I have no idea why I'm
alive I shouldn't be alive I was taking enough - that would kill a lot of people
and it's just like I said like it it wasn't like I wasn't just gonna go you
know take my own life I wanted my substances to do the job but anyways you
know I've shared before about how I ended up getting sober my mom who had
seven years sober at that time she ended up saving my life and and yeah I was
still very suicidal for the first few months but it's like I said via the
drugs were the only thing that were keeping me alive and then they were
taken away from me so in my first few months of sobriety I was still very
suicidal but being around other people who shared their story it gave me hope
that things can get better and that's one of the reasons why I talk about
things that make me uncomfortable that might make you uncomfortable because I
needed people to talk about this stuff because it helped give me hope people
started teaching me that I didn't have to live that way anymore
but here's the caveat they said I don't have to live that way anymore
if I don't want to all right and if I didn't want to I had to start doing so
things to turn my life around alright and I was just clinging I was clinging
on to this hope with the kung fu grip then if I slowly started working on
myself things would get better and that first year of sobriety was rough man I
was in California I didn't see my son I saw my son once my first year sober all
right so like around this time of the holidays I'm so grateful that I have
that kid in my life because my first year sober
I missed Halloween with him and that was back in the time when my kids are like
super cute in any costume you put on them is adorable I miss Halloween with
them I miss Thanksgiving I miss Christmas his birthday is on New Year's
Eve I missed that following you know into the next month I I missed you know
Easter Father's Day everything all right but I had to do that to get sober but I
share this story because man my life is absolutely amazing today all right my
son's mom and I she's remarried and has another child we have an amazing
relationship she's one of my best friends
all right and because of that I have my son in my life like you guys like I was
just telling you how I wasn't even allowed to see my son right and just a
few weeks ago for Thanksgiving like because of my recovery because of the
work I've put in like my son's mom lets me take him you know to California we
went up to Sacramento to visit my beautiful girlfriend Tristan's family
you know then we got to go to Fresno to visit my family and everything like that
like because of the work I put in the people in my life trust me again and I
have so much to live for you know I always had that's the thing too I always
had a lot to live for you know but the deeds of the disease of
addiction depression it lies to us it tells us that we don't
have things to live for you know and yeah I get to hang out with my son this
weekend we're gonna watch Star Wars movies we're gonna play the Star Wars
videogame this Thursday we're gonna go see you know the brand new Star Wars
movie opening night I have my amazing girlfriend Tristan it's her birthday
Sunday so by the way like come join the live stream for Tristan's birthday and
we'll be raising money for faces and voices of recovery but like I said I
know I don't like talking about this stuff I've come so long and a lot of us
you know we want to leave that stuff in the past but I was taught a long time
ago that we share our stories to help others you know what I mean if it wasn't
for other people sharing their story and talking about these difficult subjects I
wouldn't be here today and this is one of the ways I try to give back by
sharing about what I've been through and trying to give people hope that things
can get better but like I said man like I said it takes work alright one of the
things they taught me was if nothing changes nothing changes like if I just
sat around because for a long time I just sat around just hoping life would
get better just maybe life will get better on its own right I didn't want to
put in any work and that's why today I do so much I do so much like a lot of
you know I work my ass off I have two jobs I have this YouTube channel and
everything like that but I make sure that I'm spending time with my son with
Tristan yesterday I have lunch with one of my friends who helped him get sober
and he just celebrated four years sober in he's one of my best friends that I've
known since I was since I was a kid you know what I mean like I find this
balance and this meaning and this purpose you know so never give up and if
you think it'll help somebody share this video with them but anyways I hope this
video give someone out there just a little bit of hope that things get
better alright and don't forget to join us
December 15th here on this channel all right starting at 3 p.m. Pacific time as
we raise money for faces and voices of recovery all right but anyways that's
all I got for this video if you liked it please give it a thumbs up if you're new
subscribe bring the notification Bell and a huge thank you a real real real
huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel whether it's on patreon or
buying my mental health books on the rewired soul comm or mental health merch
that we got in the store like all of your guys's support helps me keep doing
this channel and trying to help more people out there so I really appreciate
it alright thanks for watching I'll see you
next time