LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FELICITY JONES!
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IT'S SO GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING THE FIRST SHOW OF 2017.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'VE BEEN IN SEVERAL FILMS THIS
YEAR. BUT I'M HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE OF
AN INDIE MOVIE I'M IN CALLED "ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY."
IT'S VERY COOL TO BE THE LEAD IN THE FILM, ESPECIALLY AS A WOMAN.
I DIDN'T GET TO USE A LIGHT SABER IN THE MOVIE.
I DID GET TO TRANSFER A VERY LARGE DATA FILE.
ALL VERY EXCITING. MY ACTION FIGURE COMES COMPLETE
WITH A DROPBOX ACCOUNT. IT'S THE FIRST SPINOFF MOVIE IN
THE "STAR WARS" UNIVERSE. THERE IS ALSO THE FIRST NC-17
MOVIE. THIS IS ALL VERY EXCITING.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT -- >> JIM!
>> HI. >> PHIL GUERRERA.
>> IT IS YOU, JIM. I HAVE SOME URGENT NEWS.
>> WHAT ARE YOU BREATHING FROM THAT MASK?
>> WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? FELICITY, I HEARD YOU NEEDED
HELP WITH YOUR "SNL" HOSTING MISSION.
I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND.
>> FELICITY! FELICITY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> OH, MY GOSH, TINA FEY, YOU'RE
IN A HEAD SCARF. >> EILEEN FISHER, THEY HAVE
AMAZING DEALS AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.
>> WHY ARE YOU A HOLOGRAM? YOU'RE LIKE TUPAC.
>> IN SO MANY WAYS, YES. THE DR. DRE THAT I'M FRIENDS
WITH IS MY PODIATRIST. FELICITY, I HEAR YOU'RE HOSTING
"SNL." >> I'M A BIT NERVOUS, TO BE
HONEST. >> DON'T BE.
IF STEVEN SEAGAL CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS GO OUT THERE AND DO YOUR BEST.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE REVIEWS SAY.
>> DOES THIS SHOW GET REVIEWED? >> YES, WAY TOO MUCH.
AND NO MATTER HOW IT GOES, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
WILL SAY IT'S SAD AND OVERRATED. >> THE PRESIDENT?
>> YEAH, THE PRESIDENT. IT'S FINE, NO ONE CARES.
[ LAUGHTER ] FELICITY, LISTEN TO ME.
TONIGHT THERE WILL BE LOTS OF SKETCHES AND YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS
GOING TO BE THE IF ANYONE. HERE IS A RULE.
IF YOU'RE FIRST LINE IN A SKETCH IS, HEY, GUYS, I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND THAT I BROUGHT MY FRIEND RAY RAY, THEN YOU'RE NOT THE IF
ANYONE. >> I SUSPECTED THAT WAS THE
CASE. >> ALSO IF LESLIE JONES SUDDENLY
APPEARS AT THE END OF A SKETCH ACTING VAGUELY HORNY AND ANGRY
AT EVERYBODY, IT MEANS THE WRITERS COULDN'T THINK OF AN
ENDING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'VE ONLY MET LESLIE ONCE AND SHE CALLED ME DOWNTOWN ABBY.
>> SHE CALLS ANYONE THAT WHO IS WHITE AND BRITISH.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BACK IN SEASON 35 I
PUT A FATAL FLAW IN THE SYSTEM. IF YOU TAKE OUT KENAN THOMPSON,
THE STUDIO WILL EXPLODE. >> IS THAT WHY HE'S BEEN ON THE
SHOW SO LONG? >> THAT AND HE HAS A FAMILY.
>> I SEE. THANKS, TINA, YOUR ADVICE HAS
BEEN SO HELPFUL. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO
FOR YOU? >> YES.
YOU MUST GET THIS MESSAGE TO J.J. ABRAMS.
TELL HIM I AM TECHNICALLY AVAILABLE TO ACT IN FILMS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHY YOU TALKING TO THAT LADY
FROM WHISKEY TANGO? IT'S MAKING ME ANGRY AND HORNY.
>> THERE IT IS. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.
>> I'LL TRY MY BEST. WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW
TONIGHT. STURGILL SIMPSON IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] STICK AROUND AND WE WILL BE
RIGHT BACK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪