- If when you're approaching dating you feel constricted,
like there's so many of these rules you have to get right
and not get right,
you feel like you're walking on this tightrope
and one small step can just kill the relationship,
then you might be suffering from this nice girl mentality
that's gonna actually sabotage the very relationship
you're wanting to attract.
The term nice girl, or nice guy, refers to this mentality
or a way of being
where we place the other person's preferences,
the other person's desires far above our own
and we end up betraying our own true self.
You see, the goal is to set yourself free.
The goal is to be authentic, your true self,
and attract someone from that place
because that person is gonna fall in love with
and align with your true self
and you're gonna fall in love with their true self.
And then that way, there's no tightrope walking.
You're just free and authentic to be yourself.
So I'm gonna share with you right now
five deadly nice girl habits
that could be sabotaging your success in your love life.
So let's jump right into it and look at number one.
Number one is seeking his approval first,
and what this means is when you go on a date,
you're way more interested in getting him to like you
than really assessing whether or not you actually like him.
And this is a subtle habit, a subtle mentality,
where you go on your date...
We all wanna bring our best self on a date.
I mean, that's normal.
You want to look your best
you want to have a great experience,
so you want to be presenting your authentic best self.
But notice if you're taking a little bit overboard,
where you're watering down your responses perhaps
because you are trying to say the thing
you think he's gonna like.
Or if he doesn't like something that you actually like,
you don't even mention that you like it
because you don't want to create that disconnect with him.
That's watering your authentic self down.
The real goal here
is to assess whether or not you're gonna have chemistry
and compatibility with him
because that's the only thing that's gonna determine
for you on your end if that's gonna be a long term fit.
And so when we sort of get caught up in the game
of "let me get him to like me first before I like him"...
I used to do this on my dates,
is I try to win the girl, her favor over,
I try to make the date amazing and make it fantastic
before I really even assess
"do I want to go on another date with her?"
And that was not a good strategy
because overall if we did like each other, then great,
but if I didn't want to go on another date,
then I ended up leading her on on that first date
and that was not a good situation.
So this first habit to break
is trying to get his approval first
and instead assessing him equally
as he's trying to assess you to figure out if this works
and not watering yourself down,
not being afraid to rock the boat
and be your true authentic self
if in case that's not what he likes.
Because the guy who is ultimately
gonna be a partner with you
is gonna love your true authentic self.
Number two is making excuses for him,
and this is a deadly one
and there are many women that I've coached over the years
who fall into this particular trap.
I'll ask a woman,
she's dating a guy and then it will come out
that he's married and he's got a whole family
or that he's in another relationship.
And I'll say, "so what kind of guy are you looking for?"
And she's like, "that guy!
Like, he's the guy that I'm looking for."
And I said, "okay, well let's be really clear
on exactly what you're looking for
'cause I bet you're looking for someone
who's not in another relationship,
someone who's not married and has another family."
And she was like, "well no, except for that."
And I said, "and I bet you're looking for someone
who when they commit to you are gonna be faithful to you,
are only gonna be with you, gonna be monogamous to you."
And they're like, "well, yeah, that too."
And I was like,
"so there might be a lot of amazing qualities
about this guy, but let's take the good,
put that into a vision of what you would want,
and then leave the rest."
And oftentimes, we'll make excuses for the guy that says,
well, he's got all the right qualities,
except that he doesn't call me, doesn't pursue me,
he doesn't invest in the relationship.
And so what's wild is we sometimes think
if we can just get them over the hump,
if we can just have enough time with them,
then they'll fall in love with us
and then they'll start investing more,
then they'll start making up the gap
between where they are now
and where we ultimately want them to be.
And if that's the case, we're fooling ourselves.
You don't want to date potential.
You want to date reality.
You want a real relationship in your life.
And so it's okay to take the blessings,
which is, oh, this person represent a lot of the qualities
that I really want, so let me bring those into my vision.
And I want someone who lights me up in this way
and I want someone who's fun
and smart and caring and kind and so on and so forth.
But you want to include that, the gap, in what's missing.
Include in that vision someone who's available,
who's committed, who's honest, who's integris,
and who's super into you
and wants an amazing relationship with you.
You see, the vision that you have
and where you place your attention
is what you're going to attract.
If you're holding yourself into this space
where you're making excuses for the guy
because you're a nice girl, you're waiting,
this is what the nice girl does, she waits.
"I'll wait until you get that whole thing figured out.
I know it's stressful for you to leave that marriage
or leave that family or break up with her.
I know it's hard."
And so you just make excuses and excuses and excuses.
Or "I know he wants to date other people."
He's not willing to be committed to you and we make excuses.
That can stretch out for years and years and years
and waste tons of time for you.
We must break that habit.
Claim what you want.
Create a vision that you are aligned with
and that's what then you will draw into your life
faster than you even imagined possible.
The third nice girl habit that sabotages love
is constantly draining your tank to fill up his cup.
Now, it's normal to put other people's needs first at times.
It's normal to give.
You both want to be investing into each other.
He should be investing in you at times,
you should be investing in him at times,
and not every day is equal.
There are some days where you're depleted
and he's gonna be the one pouring into you.
There are other times when he's gonna be depleted
and he's stressful and you're gonna be the rock
and you're gonna pour into him.
But if you notice that time and time again,
you're the one who's putting his priorities first,
his needs first.
You know, you're gonna go to his family barbecue,
not your family barbecue.
You're gonna see the movie he wants to see,
not the movie you wanna see.
You're constantly putting his needs, priorities, wants
ahead of yours because you think that's a form of love.
That's actually a form of self-abuse.
You're not honoring yourself.
You're not putting your needs,
you're not holding your own needs and wants and desires
equal to his.
This is not a partnership.
This is a pedestalship
where you're putting him on a pedestal
saying "I'm not as important as you are."
What's super important and beautiful in relationships
is this mutual prioritization
where you both prioritize each other.
So you want to take notice
if you're constantly pouring into him,
filling him up and is not being reciprocated,
that's a habit that you can break
and create a brand new dynamic in that relationship.
And the fourth habit that nice girls will do
that is a short-term benefit, but a long-term major cost,
is we'll take full ownership of the conflict
and not let the other person,
or hold the other person accountable for their part
because we're more interested
in just things getting smooth and nice again
than actually solving the root and the real problem
and creating a dynamic that works.
You know, so, like, there's an argument
and you'll come to him and you'll say,
"you know, I'm really sorry for my part".
You're doing good communication work, right?
Like, you're owning your part,
you're taking responsibility for your side of the street.
And then he's like, "yeah, don't let it happen again"
or "yeah, that was really mean of you
and let's just try to do something different next time"
but they never actually, like, own their stuff,
the contribution they made (chuckles) to the interaction.
It's in that moment when you want to say
"and what I would love is
is for you to own your side of this.
What would that look like?"
And you want to call them to the carpet
because as long as it's one-sided, that's not a partnership.
As long as it's one-sided, that's not a loving relationship.
Both people want to own their side,
and that's really the way that deep authentic connection,
deep authentic love is generated.
There are gonna be conflicts.
Any relationship, (chuckles) we are gonna have conflicts,
that's unavoidable, but it's how do you work together
to move through those conflicts
and actually restore the connection.
What's beautiful is actually conflicts can lead
to deeper connection,
but only when both people own their side of the street
and then seek to reconcile.
And the fifth habit of nice girls that sabotage love
is not revealing your unhappiness
because you're trying to be easy going.
And this is often early on in the relationship,
you set up sort of this standard
that whatever behavior he has, you're cool with it
because you're easy going, you're Cool Girl.
And I call this Cool Girl versus Quality Girl.
And what'll happen is, I'll give you an example of this.
One of my clients one time was telling me a story
of how she started to date this guy.
She really liked this guy.
They both had dogs.
They bonded over their dogs.
They met at the dog park.
And so one Saturday, he's like,
"hey, let's go for hike.
Let's take our dogs."
She said, "great!"
And so Friday night came
and he said, "oh my gosh, I'm late on this project for work.
I'm gonna need to make a rain check."
And she's like, "you know, no big deal."
And then the next time they planned to get together,
they were gonna hang out, like, all afternoon
and he could only hang out for an hour
'cause he had something else that he needed to do.
And she was like, "that's totally cool.
I had a great time today.
I'm wishing you all the best."
Every time he couldn't hang out,
it was something that was understandable,
like a big project that was due at work,
someone didn't show up.
One of these that he had to bail,
like, the assistant coach for his daughter's soccer team
didn't show up so he had to go and coach her.
It was all legitimate stuff
and constantly she was like, "no problem!"
She never voiced at all her level of disappointment
or frustration with the situation.
She was always just the cool girl, "that's cool".
And he's like, "wow, you're being really cool about this."
Well, it happened one more time and guess what happened?
Instead of being Cool Girl, she became Volcano Woman.
Like, she just, "you always do this!
I feel so frustrated!"
It was like all the backup stuff had been built up
and she exploded on him and he was like, "whoa!"
So she was actually overreacting for that one moment,
but she wasn't overreacting
if you take into consideration the five other times
that he had canceled or rescheduled plans.
A way better way of being is to be honest in the moment.
Like, when he had said,
"I have to go cover my daughter's soccer game"
and he only hung out for an hour with her,
instead of saying, "that's totally cool, I totally get it,
it's all good," say, "oh man!
Oh, I totally get it.
You gotta go do that.
And I'm feeling really disappointed
'cause I had blocked out my whole day.
I had told other friends no.
And so, you know, I'm hoping that you can make it up to me
and I'm hoping we can do something really fun future,
and have a great time at your daughter's soccer game.
I totally understand."
There's a way in which you can be understanding,
but also true and authentic to yourself
and the emotional process.
And that sharing what your emotional process is,
sharing how you feel about it,
allows you to not bottle it up
and then become Volcano Woman later.
Instead of moving from Cool Woman to Volcano,
(chuckles) it's Cool Woman to Quality Woman.
This is what a quality, high value woman does.
So my question for you is
what are some of the nice girl habits
that might smooth things out in the short-term,
but end up having a major cost
in the long run of the relationship?
I'd love to hear your perspective on this.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
Here is to your amazing love life.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you soon.
(bright electronic music)