LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, JOE BIDEN HAS PRIVATELY TOLD HIS
AIDES THAT AS PRESIDENT, HE WANTS TO AVOID INVESTIGATING HIS
PREDECESSOR, DONALD TRUMP.
IT'S VERY HONORABLE OF BIDEN.
MEANWHILE, TRUMP IS SPENDING HIS LAST TWO MONTHS IN OFFICE LIKE,
"CONFISCATE EVERY POSSIBLE LAPTOP FROM THE BIDEN FAMILY!"
APPARENTLY, BIDEN IS CONCERNED ABOUT DOING ANYTHING THAT WOULD
FURTHER DIVIDE THE COUNTRY.
AS IF THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE.
THIS STORY BEGS THE PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION, IF
THERE'S WRONGDOING, BUT NO ONE'S AROUND TO INVESTIGATE IT, IS IT
REALLY MALARKEY?
BIDEN SAYS HE'LL LEAVE THE INVESTIGATING TO OTHER PEOPLE.
LIKE THE C.I.A., THE F.B.I., THE I.R.S., THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT,
THE S.E.C., THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK AND
WHICHEVER LAWYER MELANIA ENDS UP HIRING.
MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS CONTINUING TO DEMAND A RECOUNT
IN THE STATE OF WISCONSIN.
WELL, YESTERDAY, THE STATE TOLD THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IT WOULD HAVE
TO COVER THE COSTS OF THE RECOUNT, WHICH IS ESTIMATED AT
NEARLY $8-MILLION.
WORD OF ADVICE, WISCONSIN: GET THE MONEY UP FRONT.
$8-MILLION IS A LOT.
THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IF TRUMP SOMEHOW DOES MANAGE TO FLIP
WISCONSIN HE, STILL LOSES THE ELECTION BY A LOT.
$8-MILLION FOR A RECOUNT.
TRUMP WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT THAT'S FOR COUNTING ALL THE
VOTES.
HOW MUCH TO JUST COUNT THE ONES FOR ME?"
OF COURSE, THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK AND VARIOUS STATES ARE
PUTTING OUT NEW GUIDELINES FOR A COVID-SAFE CELEBRATION.
FOR EXAMPLE, NEW JERSEY IS NOW TELLING PEOPLE TO AVOID SHOUTING
AND SINGING.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT ON THANKSGIVING:
THAT UNCLE RICK WILL DRINK TOO MUCH AND START A SING-OFF.
WHO SINGS AT THANKSGIVING?
THE SHOUTING I UNDERSTAND.
BUT THE SINGING?
ARE THERE EVEN THANKSGIVING CAROLS?
IS THIS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS?
>> Reggie: YEAH.
♪ OH GREAT TURKEY I LOVE THEE ♪ ♪ STUFFED WITH SO MUCH
CRANBERRY ♪ ♪ WITH A TIP OF THE HAT AND THE
TOOKLE TOOKIE TOO ♪ ♪ COME ON EVERYBODY, A
THANKSGIVING FOR YOU ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
THERE?
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: THAT'S AMAZING.
>> JAMES: THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY IS TELLING PEOPLE TO NOT
SHOUT AT THANKSGIVING.
TO WHICH NEW JERSEY SAID "WHO STOLE MY SPRAY TAN?!
WAS IT YOU BARBARA?
I KNOW IT WAS YOU!
YOU DON'T GET THAT KIND OF GLOW AT THE BEACH IN NOVEMBER!"
NEVER BEEN.
NEVER BEEN TO NEW JERSEY.
>> YOU GOT TO GO.
IT'S LOVELY NO TIME OF YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT OBAMA'S NEW BOOK "A
PROMISED LAND" HIT STORES TODAY.
AND OBAMA HAS RELEASED A MUSIC PLAYLIST TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
IS THERE ANY SADDER CAREER FALL THAN GOING FROM PRESIDENT TO
D.J.?
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
THAT IS QUITE THE FALL FROM GRACE, ISN'T IT?
NOT TO BE OUTDONE.
PRESIDENT TRUMP RELEASED HIS PLAY LIST TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW THE SONG, I'M PROUD THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS
SONG.
>> IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO NEW JERSEY
"BA-WIT-DA-BA" ON REPEAT.
( BA WIT-DA BANG ) >> MY NAME IS KING!
KID ROCK, BABY!
( APPLAUSE ) AND THEN IT CONTINUES IN KIND
FROM THERE.
>> James: THAT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
>> THANK YOU, YEAH.
>> James: NEVER HEARD IT.
KID ROCK NEVER A BIG THING IN BRITAIN.
YEAH.
>> Reggie: SHOCKING.
>> James: IT'S TRUE.
NEVER REALLY DID ANYTHING.
THEY PROBABLY EVEN CALL HIM BY HIS NORMAL NAME.
WHAT HIS NORMAL NAME.
STEEF OR SOMETHING?
>> BOB, MAYBE.
I THINK IT IS BOB.
>> James: BOB ROCK?
IS THAT HIS NAME BOB ROCK?
HE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THAT, THAT'S A GREAT NAME!
BOB ROCK.
I ALWAYS FEEL ANY SINGER THAT PUTS "KID" IN THEIR NAME, YOU
WISH YOU COULD SIT THEM DOWN AND SAY THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE
GREAT WHEN YOU'RE 55.
THAT'S HOW I FEEL THE HIP-HOP ALL THE LIL's.
>> LIL' BOW WOW DROP THE LITTLE.
>> James:LOOK AT THAT, DIDN'T PLAY OUT WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEREAS M.C. HAMMER, STILL GOT
IT.
>> JAY-Z AS GOOD AS 23 AS IT IS AT 53.
>> James: 100%, BANG, DONE.
EVEN EMINEM.
>> BUT WHEN HE TURNS 70 HE WILL HAVE TO BE BUTTERSCOTCH WEATHER
ORIGINAL.
>> JAMES: AND WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
POPE FRANCIS HAS CAUSED A BIT OF A STIR TODAY, AFTER IT WAS
REPORTED THAT HIS OFFICIAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT APPEARED TO
LIKE A PHOTO OF, WELL, SEE FOR YURSELF.
THERE, THAT'S THE POPE'S OFFICIAL ACCOUNT.
AND THAT'S THE PHOTO THE POPE LIKED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: THAT'S LIKABLE.
>> James: FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
TO BE FAIR, IT DOES LOOK LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL.
BUT FOR SOME REASON THE POPE'S INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT LIKED IT.
AND TODAY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WAS LIKE, "A SCANDAL?
INVOLVING AN ADULT WOMAN?
WHEW!
THANK GOD."
AND I'M SURE YOU ALL SAW THIS.
TWITTER ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE TODAY THAT ALLOWS USERS TO POST
TWEETS THAT WILL AUTOMATICALLY DISAPPEAR IN 24 HOURS.
THEY'RE CALLING THE NEW DISAPPEARING MESSAGES "FLEETS,"
WHICH IS MUCH SHORTER THAN, "WE STOLE THIS FROM INSTAGRAM, WHO
STOLE IT FROM SNAPCHAT."
FINALLY!
NOW PEOPLE ON TWITTER WON'T FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO HOLD BACK AND
BE SO POLITE ANYMORE.
AND THE DISAPPEARING TWEETS WORK PERFECTLY, TOO.
AS LONG AS NO ONE READING THEM HAS EVER HEARD OF A SCREENSHOT.
AND HERE'S AN INTERESTING STUDY.
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN STARTS FEELING
OLD AT THE AGE OF 47.
WHICH IS REALLY BAD NEWS CONIDERING 2020 HAS AGED ALL OF
US AT LEAST 30 YEARS.
THIS RESEARCH WAS DEFINITELY NOT CONDUCTED IN LOS ANGELES.
BECAUSE IN L.A, WHEN YOU TURN 35, RYAN SEACREST PRONOUNCES YOU
IRRELEVANT AND THROWS YOU OFF A ROOF.
BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FEELING OLD?
I'M NEVER GOING TO FEEL OLD!
AM I, REG?
>> Reggie: NO.
>> James: I'M DRIPIN', RIGHT?
I'M DRIPIN', YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SYING?
>> Reggie: YOU GOT DRIP.
>> James: I GOT SOME BIG DRIP, RIGHT, GUILLERMO?
>> I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.
>> James: THAT'S MY POINT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> THIS IS ABOUT YOU, JAMES.
>> James: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'VE COME THROUGH DRIPIN', I'M FINE.
DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ.
>> I'M PARTICIPATING BUT I CAN'T.
>> James: I COME THROUGH DRIPIN'.
BIG DRIP.
>> MAXIMUM?
YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT ALONE.
>> James: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I CAN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.
THAT'S WHO I AM.
I'M FULL OF DRIP.
2, 4, 7, 3, 6, 5, DRIP, DRIP.
>> Reggie: MAXIMUM MOIST.
>> James: RATHER YOUNG, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY THAT?
CAN'T TOUCH THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) HAGAR, WHAT'S OLD TO YOU?
>> 60.
>> James: BUT HERE'S THE THING - NO, ACTUALLY, I KNOW A PERSON
WHO WORKS ON HE SHOW AND HE'S HOT AT 60.
>> James: WHO?
MIKE SHIFT.
HE'S SHIFT.
SHIFTY YEARS OLD.
>> James: YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT!
( APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF
NEW ZEALAND.
THERE'S BEEN A MAJOR SCANDAL IN THE COUNTRY'S "BIRD OF THE YEAR"
COMPETITION, WHICH IS, AS YOU KNOW, A HUGE DEAL.
A PARROT SPECIES CALLED A -- I FEEL LIKE ALL THE LATE
NIGHT SHOWS HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU WILL KNOW THIS, A PARROT
CALLED A "KAKAPO" WAS ANNOUNCED THE
WINNER, BUT ONLY AFTER 1,500 VOTES FOR A "KIWI PUKU-PUKU"
WERE THROWN OUT AS FRAUDULENT.
TRUMP WAS LIKE, "SEE!
IT CAN HAPPEN!" I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE RUDY
GIULIANI IN A GEORGIA COURTROOM, SAYING, "AND FOR OUR NEXT
WITNESS, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WOULD LIKE TO CALL THE KIWI
PUKU-PUKU."
( LAUGHTER ) THE PARROT SAID THAT IN SPITE OF
THE DIVISIVE ELECTION, "POLLY WANNA BRING THIS COUNTRY
TOGETHER."
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, OREO HAS JUST
ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE CALLED "OREO-I.D." WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO
CUSTOMIZE YOUR OWN COOKIES.
YOU CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENT FLAVORS, AND UPLOAD PHOTOS OF
PEOPLE TO BE PRINTED RIGHT ON THE COOKIES.
HERE ARE SOME OF THEM HERE.
LOOK AT THAT.
THIS BEATS THE OLD WAY OF EATING SOMEONE'S FACE, BATH SALTS.
WOULD YOU EAT A COOKIE WITH YOUR FACE ON?
WOULD YOU EAT A COOKIE WITH YOUR OWN FACE ON IT?
>> OH, YEAH, I'D DO THAT AGAIN.
>> James: THAT'S THE THING ABOUT OREOS, THEY LOVE MESSING
AROUND WITH THE COOKIES.
THEY'RE FOREVER COMING UP WITH A NEW OREOS.
ORANGE, DOUBLE STUFFED.
LEAVE IT ALONE, LET IT BE OREO.
>> PLAY THE HITS.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR WHATEVER KID ROCK SONG THAT WAS.
>> James: EXACTLY!
AND YOU CAN PUT WHATEVER PICTURE YOU WOULD LIKE ON THE OREOS.
TODAY THEY RECEIVED THIS ANONYMOUS ORDER FROM THE
VATICAN.
( LAUGHTER )