- She, like, strolls onto the bed,
and she takes a shit,
like she's dropping the mic.
She's like, "My job's done here.
Try to lose your virginity now, after that."
[dark electronic music]
[heartbeat pulsing]
♪
[slurping]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening".
I'm Ari Shaffir, and tonight the topic is "bloodline."
[cheers and applause]
Please, give a warm round of applause.
Miss Hannah Friedman, everybody.
Let her hear it!
[cheers and applause]
- So my sister's the coolest person in my whole town.
And let me explain a little bit
about my sister-- I got to go back.
My mom used to work training monkeys
as aids for quadriplegics.
[laughter] So--
So like Seeing Eye dogs, they help the blind.
They tried to get these monkeys to help quadriplegics.
Turns out monkeys are very unhelpful.
They're--they really don't want to be helpful,
they're not interested in being helpful.
Um, and so like, the quadriplegics would have
a little straw to blow into to release a treat
if the monkey did a good behavior,
like, uh, you know, give them--
like, turn a page in a book, or something.
But the monkeys realized that if you just
take the quadriplegic's head
and jam it down onto the straw,
then they'll breathe out, releasing all the treats.
Why work, with-- if that's what you can do.
So, um, so my mom realized this wasn't a great program,
sort of at the same time that her favorite monkey,
her test monkey, um, was on the brink of death.
She was gonna die.
And she was in this horrible cage in a laboratory.
And my mom was like, "I want to give her
"a peaceful place to die.
"I want to have a funeral for her like Princess Diana.
"I just want it to be very dignified,
I'm leaving this program."
So my mom, what she did is she signed the monkey out as dead,
she took her home,
and she fed the monkey bagels and lox.
And then the monkey proceeded to live through the weekend,
and then for 30 years.
For 30 more years
in the house with my family.
So everyone says, "Oh, my gosh,
"you have a monkey as a sister, that's my dream!
That's so cool!"
It's not cool, and it's not a dream
'cause she was a huge bitch.
She's very abusive and mean.
And, like, I would tell, you know, my--my--my, uh,
second-grade teacher, "Oh,"
like, "my collage got ripped up by my monkey."
And she'd think that I was, um,
uh, disturbed, and I had to go to
the psychologist-- the school psychologist
'cause my mom didn't bother to bring a monkey in or explain.
Or the monkey, she's really diabolical.
So she would, like, take my favorite
holographic, magic 8-ball Pog and, like,
tear off the top of it.
She knew, and she would, like,
pee on my dolls.
Or she would, like--she had these like long, monkey,
Crypt Keeper fingers, and she would,
uh, unscrew the peanut butter, which is my favorite,
and she'd, like, run her fingers through it.
And just, like, look at me like, "What are you gonna do?"
Nothing, 'cause she was my mom's favorite.
Um, and actually, do you guys-- you--do--do you want to see her?
You want to see a picture of her?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Okay, so I have my little helper here, oh, thank you very much.
So here's, uh, here she is
in a, in a terry cloth, uh, beach robe.
Nice. There she is, Amelia.
This is Amelia, she has-- she's eating challah
with an eye infection. Ooh.
Nice, on the kitchen table.
Very sanitary.
I'd come home like, "Mom, I got an A!"
And then everyone would be like, "Oh, my God, look,
Amelia's eating spaghetti with her feet, oh!"
You can't beat that.
And here, this is what I showed to my therapist
very recently, um.
I don't know if you can see, so--so--
I'm in a--some sort of crate? Um...
And she gets to be drinking my bottle, so that's great.
And she's having freedom, so that's all nice.
Thanks, Ameli--um.
So things got even worse when I went through puberty.
Dogs just want--to be-- you're the master.
And they want you to like them,
but monkeys have this very rigid hierarchical system.
And when she sensed that I was, like, becoming a woman,
she would, uh,
she would attack me and she would, like,
lurk behind a darkened doorway for--she was like a Gremlin.
It was like living with a horrible goblin.
She would lurk for me to come by the doorway,
and then she'd like jump out and, like,
bite my Achilles tendon and she'd laugh,
and monkeys laugh like this, they're like--
[breathy laughter]
Which is way creepier with no sound.
Or she would, like, wait for me to be
carrying something really hot or heavy, like pasta,
and she would attack me.
Or the worst is I would be on the toilet--
you just want some solitude, you want to be by yourself,
have some relaxing time.
Um, and she would come and attack me.
Oh, she was also very jealous of my boyfriend.
Um, she was really flirtatious,
and this is how-- here, you help me out.
I'll--I'll do monkey flirt with you.
Ready? Imagine I'm drooling a lot.
And then she would-- she would go like this.
She'd like rub her tummy at him,
and he'd be like, "That's so cute."
And I would say, "No, you don't understand!
She--she ripped up all my homework."
Um, and she-- she particularly
didn't like my laugh, um.
You guys are smiling, it's awesome.
Laughing, great.
Don't do that to a monkey 'cause it's--
you're baring your teeth, that's a sign of aggression.
So anytime I laughed, she'd be like,
"Oh, you want to go?" Like, "I'm down!"
Like, "Bring it!"
So I was so in love with my boyfriend.
Uh, and we were ready, when I was 16,
to "do it," and I was so excited.
And I planned it, um, 'cause as the ladies
in the audience know, like, ambience is very important
when you're gonna lose the V card.
So I got princess mosquito netting,
and I got votive candles, candles, um...
Always in style.
And I laid them all around, and it was so perfect.
And we waited for my parents to be out of the house,
across the street at a holiday party.
Oh, my gosh.
And so we were making out and fooling around
and it was like getting, like, hot,
and he took off his shirt and like--
[exhales] It was so steamy.
And I was giggling 'cause I was a little bit nervous.
And all of a sudden, like, we--we're getting naked
and then we hear--bam! Bam!
And the door busts down,
like the Gestapo has come to town.
And we look
and it's Amelia, and she's heard the laughing,
and she's like, "Oh, it's on," like.
"Yeah. Yeah!"
[stammers] She thinks that I've been sitting in the bedroom
just like, "You fucking bitch," and like, "I'm gonna..."
She's super pissed.
And she's jealous 'cause I'm with my boyfriend.
And so she runs onto the bed, and she's like,
"Ra, ra, ra, ra, rah."
And my boyfriend covered up his junk with a pillow.
And I'm like trying to shoo her away,
but she's really fast.
So she runs and she gets tangled up
in the mosquito netting, and she's like re--
she's a ball of rage in a net.
And I think, like,
"Okay, at least now,
she's like contained."
But she pull-- she's so strong she pulls down
the mosquito netting, and now she's, like,
running with a big net behind her.
And what I now know about mosquito netting
is that it's quite flammable.
So she pulls it through this, like, row of votive candles.
And it catches on fire.
And now she's trailing fire like a comet,
and I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna, like,
burn my sister to death,"
and I'm naked and my boyfriend's screaming.
So we, like, put it out with pillows.
And there's, like, smoke.
And my parents have heard all this commotion.
And they show up at the door.
And my boyfriend is just so stoic--
he's just like,
"Mr. Friedman," like,
just really trying to recover it,
um, and Amelia has, uh, de-tangled from the net.
And she goes onto the bed, she like strolls onto the bed,
and she takes a shit,
like she's dropping the mic,
She's like, "My job's done here.
Try to lose your virginity now, after that."
She strolls out.
And, um, and that was that.
Eventually I did lose my virginity in a horrible car.
I had, like, seat buckles pressed--impressions in my ass,
very romantic.
Um, but I went home recently.
Amelia--Amelia passed away after 30--30 years with us.
She had lived a really wonderful life.
And my mom gave her the dignified Princess Diana funeral
that she always wanted.
It was an open-casket ceremony.
It was super creepy. The whole town came.
She was a smoking jacket.
Never in real life, but in the funeral, yes.
I don't know why.
Um, and since then, I've gone home
and I've been, like, on the toilet, thinking, like,
"Oh, my gosh! It's--oh, no."
And then I realize she's not gonna be there.
And I walk into a darkened room and I realize she's not there.
And I thought I'd be relieved, but it's--
it's kind of sad, um,
and I think about what I do now,
like, I get to tell, like, cool stories to people like you,
and I think about the people who said, "Oh, it's so cool
you had a monkey as a sister."
And I think, "Maybe they were right, and I was wrong."
[cheers and applause]
[dark electronic music]
♪