♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >> CONGRATULATIONS TO
DONALD TRUMP WHO MANAGED TO KEEP OUR GOVERNMENT OPEN FOR ALMOST
ONE WHOLE YEAR. THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN AT
MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT OVER DISAGREEMENTS REGARDING
IMMIGRATION. PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BLAMED
MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER FOR THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE TRUMP
NEVER PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO BLAME A MINORITY.
AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ASK -- WHY IS SHUTTING DOWN OUR
GOVERNMENT EVEN AN OPTION? LIKE, AMERICA'S BEEN AROUND FOR
240 YEARS. MAYBE IT'S TIME WE BUY OUR
GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF JUST LEASING IT MONTH TO MONTH.
I MEAN, THIS IS PEOPLE'S LIVES, NOT A KIA SORENTO.
EVEN PRODUCTION ON "HOUSE OF CARDS" DIDN'T SHUT DOWN AFTER
THE MAIN GUY TURNED OUT TO BE A FULL PREDATOR.
IF A FAKE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP GOING, SO CAN WE.
ALSO, IN THAT FAKE GOVERNMENT, THEY GOT RID OF THE SEXUAL
PREDATOR PRESIDENT, AND GOT A FEMALE PRESIDENT INSTEAD.
SO JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. >> SO, IF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS
DOWN, DO WE STILL HAVE TO PAY TAXES FOR THE WHOLE YEAR?
DO WE GET PRO-RATED? WHEN MY COMCAST SHUT DOWN, I GOT
FREE HBO FOR A MONTH. I FEEL LIKE THEY OWE US AN EAGLE
OR APPLE PIE OR SOMETHING. >>> THIS WEEK I WAS FINALLY ABLE
TO GOOGLE STORMY DANIELS ON MY WORK COMPUTER.
IN AN INTERVIEW FROM 2011, PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS SAID THAT
WHILE SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH DONALD TRUMP, HE TOLD HER
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SMART JUST LIKE HIS DAUGHTER.
WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GROSSEST THING A MAN HAS EVER SAID TO
STORMY DANIELS. ALTHOUGH, I JUST LOVE WATCHING
MIKE PENCE DURING ALL OF THIS. HE'S A BORN AGAIN EVANGELICAL
CHRISTIAN. AT THIS POINT, PENCE WILL
PROBABLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE AS A JUDGE ON "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."
>> THE WORTH PART WAS THAT IT WAS SUCH A LAME STORY.
I THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST GET FREAKY DETAILS OUT OF IT, DONALD
TRUMP GRABS WOMEN BY THE VAGINA AS HIS OPENER, SO HIS SEX MUST
BE INSANE, RIGHT? HE WAS SPANKED BY A MAGAZINE,
AND HE IS AFRAID OF SHARKS. OF COURSE HE IS, HE HAS THE BODY
OF A SEAL. >>> ON TUESDAY THE WHITE HOUSE
DOCTOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE READ THE RESULTS OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHYSICAL. AND WE HAVE SOME OF THE RESULTS
RIGHT HERE. EKG, NORMAL.
BLOOD PRESSURE, NORMAL. URINE, LOVES IT.
THE DOCTOR SAID THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP TOOK A COGNITIVE
ASSESSMENT TEST AND DID EXCEEDINGLY WELL.
TF IT WASN'T LIKE AN IQ TEST, IT WAS MORE LIKE ARE YOU OKAY?
THE LAST PERSON TO FAIL THIS TEST WAS LINCOLN AFTER THE PLAY.
>> I FOR ONE AM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS A NORMAL
FUNCTIONING BRAIN. BECAUSE IT WOULD SUCK TO FIND
OUT THAT ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN MAKING FUN OF A MENTALLY
CHALLENGED DUDE. IF HE WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT
MENTAL EXAM, IT WOULD HAVE CHANGED EVERYTHING.
PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES WOULD BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE FROM
AMERICA, WHERE THEY ELECTED THAT CRAZY GUY.
THAT'S AWESOME." >> HUNDREDS OF MARCHES ARE
PLANNED AROUND THE WORLD TODAY TO PROTEST PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
FIRST YEAR, SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVING THE PINK YARN INDUSTRY.
YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT THE WOMEN'S MARCH, BUT THOSE HATS ARE QUITE
HILARIOUS. IF MARTIN LUTHER KING GAVE HIS
SPEECH IN A BLACK PENIS HAT, HE'D PROBABLY STILL BY ALIVE
TODAY. >> THE FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE
TYPICALLY AGES A PRESIDENT, BUT HERE IS TRUMP A YEAR AGO, AND
HERE IS TRUMP NOW. IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A
DIFFERENCE. NOW, LET'S SEE HOW IT'S AFFECTED
THE NEWS ANCHORS WHO HAVE TO REPORT ON TRUMP.
HERE IS ANDERSON COOPER A YEAR AGO, HERE IS ANDERSON NOW.
THIS ALSO MARKED THE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF REPUBLICANS
CONTROLLING ALL THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT, SO LET'S TAKE A
LOOK BACK AT WHAT THEY'VE MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH.
♪♪♪ ♪ YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH ♪
♪♪♪ >> VERY --
INSPIRING. >> YESTERDAY "INTOUCH WEEKLY"
ANOWED AN INTERVIEW SHE HAD ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP IN 2006. HERE TO COMMENT NOW IS
STORMY DANIELS. >> HEY.
LAISSEZ LES BONTEMPS ROULEZ, COLIN.
>> HI THERE, STORMY, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M WAY FINE, IT'S WHATEVER. >> I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE
HERE TONIGHT. BUT IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
'CAUSE NOW IT'S LIKE, I'M ALL OTHER "HUFFINGTON POST" AND
"DAILY BEAST." I'M LIKE, A LIBERAL HERO.
LIKE, THINGS ARE SO BAD RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY
WOMEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE EMPOWERED
BY ME. LIKE, THE BEST THEY CAN SAY IS
THAT I'M A FEMALE DIRECTOR. >> YOU ALSO DIRECT PORN?
>> YEAH, COLIN. BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR INDUSTRY, WE
ACTUALLY HAVE FEMALE DIRECTORS. OOH, IMAGINE THAT.
>> OKAY, OKAY. I GET THAT I'M NOT WHAT THESE
PEOPLE ENVISIONED THEIR HERO WOULD LOOK LIKE, BUT GUESS WHAT,
AMERICA? I'M THE HERO YOU DESERVE RIGHT
NOW. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
>> OKAY, OKAY. TAKE FOR INSTANCE THE STEELE
DOSSIER, RIGHT? OKAY, WHEN THAT INFORMATION
ABOUT RUSSIA WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH SOMEBODY WOUND UP DEAD,
BUT ALL ANYBODY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WAS THE RUSSIAN HOOKERS,
YOU GET A STORMY. OKAY?
I WAS HANGING OUT LATE AT NIGHT WITH DONALD TRUMP AND
BEN ROETHLISBERGER, AND THE ONE I TRUSTED TO GET ME HOME SAFE
WAS BEN ROETHLISBERGER. AND THEN YOU GUYS WENT AND MADE
THE OTHER GUY PRESIDENT. SO YOU GET A STORMY, OKAY?
AND LADIES, WHEN IT'S THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE WOMEN'S
MARCH, AND Y'ALL ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHO GETS TO SAY "ME, TOO"
AND WHO DOESN'T? WELL, YOU GET A STORMY.
AND MY HASHTAG ISN'T #TIMESUP, IT'S #ASSUP.
>> OKAY. OKAY, SO YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH
PEOPLE A LESSON NOW? >> NO, NO, I JUST AM THE LESSON.
OKAY? I JUST WANTED TO BE ON
"CELEBRITY APPRENTICE." BUT THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,
AND I'M MAKING PEACE WITH THAT. AND AMERICA, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT
YOUR REALITY, TOO. YOU WISH YOU WERE LIVING IN
1920s PARIS WITH BARACK OBAMA, BUT YOU'RE IN 1990s ORLANDO WITH
TRUMPY AND STORMY. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.
YOU GET A STORMY, YOU GET A STORMY.
I'M LIKE OPRAH, SHOULD I RUN FOR PRESIDENT?
I WOULD WIN.