I know that you've been, you know, trained as a fighter
and I just was thinking to myself, it's,
I know I'm long on the tooth, but there are times
in my life where I think maybe now I could, I could, Yeah
I could pick it up.
Maybe I could pick it up now.
I'm not even kidding.
Are you being serious?
Cause it's such a great workout.
Analyze me, analyze me as a fighter.
I've got the height and the reach.
That reach that you got,
you got those long arms.
Right.
I would want nothing to do with you, man.
I like,
Wait a minute.
Like seeing you in the gym,
if you just walked in,
I would look at the length
Length is a serious, serious thing.
And I, and here's what I'll tell you.
I am, but you can't punch someone in the face.
John Bernthal is telling me that I have it to,
Why do you have to punch someone in the face?
Why can't he just punch a bag or hit a handbag
and start training?
No, there are some people I really wanna hit.
We'll get there.
That's always,
One of them's in this room.
Hey, but I'm scrappy.
I'd love to go.
He's ready to go.
I'd love to see the two of you box.
My problem is, I think it would be, could I take a punch?
You know?
I think you could, man.
I think you could.
I think it's,
a lot of that is mental.
I got my nose smashed in.
I got jumped by some,
by a bunch of people when I was a, what was I?
I had graduated high school
and it was before I started college
and I wandered into sort of a dicey neighborhood in Boston.
And I realized I was in a neighborhood
I wasn't supposed to be in.
And I was wearing a T-Shirt
that had the Irish flag on it.
Which, I'm not kidding,
that had been a gift from my uncle,
who'd been to Ireland
and it had the Irish flag on it.
I wasn't thinking about it
but apparently I was in an Italian neighborhood.
And so I got my nose smashed in
by some fellows who didn't like,
who didn't like the cut of my jib.
That's how I described them to the police.
Who hits you Mr.
But they were these fellows, they didn't like the cut.
But after that I thought like, man, I, you know
and the police were asking me like,
well, what'd you do,
when you realized you're about to get hit?
Like what stance did you go into?
And I went stance?
Cause I'm told I had been a little bit
of a wise guy to them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know what's crazy about that,
is you actually told me that,
the first time I ever did your show.
You said, because we talked
about the size of my deformed,
just disgusting excuse for a nose
and how many times it had been broken.
And then you said to me,
And then, and then in the pause
in the commercial break, I leaned over to
and I've always been so intrigued
about what the hell people actually talk
about in those moments.
Because besides with you, it's always been a super
super awkward conversation I've had.
We had a great conversation.
But that one, I, I went
over to you and I said, Hey man, those guys that hit you
do you think they now know that they hit you?
And you looked at me like I was the
And you were like, dude,
it was before, it was like before I was in college.
I just said that.
And I, and then the next time I saw you,
I tried to bring it up with you,
but I think I kind of failed again man.
You didn't fail.
No, no.
I think I just was thinking like, no
those guys have no idea.
But you don't think now.
That they beat up Conan O'Brien
and if they did, they'd be like, good.
You know?
You are a memorable figure.
A memorable figure, man.
It's Conan O'Brien, right.
Thank now
We beat up a giant, very pale,
kind of redheaded guy and,
Did they beat so many people up that they don't remember?
That's the thing.
Okay, I don't know.
That's the rub.
if they're hitting him just for the,
but you know, there could have been
other reasons that they hit you.
Which could have been,
you know, your size, you know, other things.
Also, they asked for money and I said no.
And they said, why not?
And I said, I don't feel like it.
And the time between me putting the period
on don't feel like,
the tea of don't feel like it.
I didn't even see it coming.
It was like bang bang bang.
And then the anti Italian word that you threw Adam
right before you did that.
I swear to God I did not do that,
then I would've had it coming.
But, but the funny part of the story to me is
that my mom got called and she was at work
and the person who called her from like the emergency room
cause I just walked
to an emergency room and just blood everywhere.
And I, and the person who called her said
We have your son here, Conan.
He was attacked by a mob and she said,
Attacked by a mob.
And my mom went, yeah, okay, I'm coming.
Didn't even question knew that like,
yeah, that wise guy, I'm sure a mob.
She didn't question it at all.
She was like, Yep, I'm on my way.
Were you by yourself?
I was with a friend of mine.
Who I later, who I didn't see
for many, many, many, many, many years.
And then a couple of years ago, my friend John
and I reconnected and one of the first things we talked
about was I said, you were there that day.
And it was like, oh yeah, I remember, you know, you were
you were being a little bit of a wise guy
So it was you.
Skinny, tall, you,
in an Irish flag T-Shirt walking through
what I imagine is like
the Robert De Niro version of Godfather
Yeah. It was 19 seven,
it was 1917.
That's right, that's right.
Finucci drove by in a, in a, in a model A,
and he just wanted to, he just wanted to wet his beak.
He just wanted to wet his beak, you know?
He didn't want too much.
Yeah, we were, it was through,
That's amazing.
But anyway, I think that's when I realized like, no,
it is a great form of exercise and I've always,
I grew up one of six, a couple of brothers and constant
like fake fighting but also real fighting, wrestling.
And so that has been my relationship
with a lot of other males in my life has been a man.
And my son, even when he was a little kid, I would
when I see him, I would chase him
and tackle him and we would rough house.
I don't do it now because,
over COVID he grew to be exactly my height.
He's six-four and he's fucking really strong.
And so now when I quote,
have fun wrestle with my son,
suddenly my head is going through a wall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And I'm like, okay, maybe we're gonna
let's play Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
That's right, you're trying to take it to him.
So I need you to help me.
Yeah, you're gonna be my,
just tell me where to, you know, you're encouraging me.
You're saying I could go, I could work on a speed bag.
I, there is literally a gym right down,
Steve Petramale's gym is right down the street.
He's the best in the world.
You could start training there.
You, you would, you would never regret it.
And you would whoop the snot outta your son
when you're done.
You know what?
This is the best podcast episode we've ever done.
You should not be empowered anymore than you are.
I know. I'm worried about what's gonna happen.
I'm all for it dude,
I'm gonna be in your corner.
Also John, keep in mind I use the old style.
I am a turn of century boxer.
You're a full on pugilist.
I can see it, man.
I have a sash tied around my waist.
I'm bare chested.
Fake mustache.
It crawls up on the side.
Yeah, I, years ago when I hosted
Saturday Night Live,
I had an idea, there was,
I told them, the writers, beforehand
there's one sketch I want to do.
I wanna play an Irish boxer.
I think you can look at it.
It was, I think it was in the year 2000.
But I play a boxer who boxes this style
but I'm going against a real boxer.
That's amazing.
And it's just me getting pummeled,
you know, but I'm doing this and bouncing up.
I've always thought, what would it be like,
if a guy tried to do that today
against, like, Floyd Mayweather?
Yeah. Yeah.
Come here Floyd.
I'll give you a pasting.
Come step in Floyd.
I'll show you, I'll give you some creamed corn.
You know, that kind of bullshit.
Oh my God
Ah, I love it, man.
I love it.
Creamed corn.
Yeah. That's, that's my favorite insult.
I'll give you some creamed corn.
Okay, you're gonna get beat up so bad.
That's you said to the Italians.
That's probably what I said to the Italians.
Step up fellows.
I'll give you some creamed corn.
Kabang, kabang, kabang.
Mrs. O'Brien, your son's been attacked.
I know, by a mob
The creamed corn thing, yeah.
It sounds like John didn't do a damn thing, huh?
Yeah, really.
John was smart.
It happened quick.
It was, it happened fast.
So there wasn't much and,
not on John at all,
because this was not a long fight.
Yeah, yeah, fair enough.
This was like,
This was not a fight.
This was like, this was not a fight at all.
This was, I was a, a giant hummel figurine
and I think there was one or two punches
and I shattered.
And then John had a dust pan,
Picked up the pieces,
and took me to the emergency room.
So yeah, John, John was very nice.
He took good care of me
after I had quickly inflicted all the damage on myself.
Listen, If you're one of these Italian youths
that remember hitting Conan O'Brien back then.
Call in.
Yeah, if you wanna come on The Real Ones, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.
By the way
By the way, that's right.
I'm gonna, you're not,
and John's not even gonna call me
and say they tracked him down.
I'm gonna just hear like,
We got someone on today,
He, he took some wrong turns back in the day in Boston.
He punched out Conan O'Brien.
But you know what?
He's a guy who made his mistakes,
He's owned it.
And you're not even gonna give me a heads up, right?
Anyway, just to show our appreciation
for you coming on the show.
We bought you a Dodge Charger.
It's out front.
And I call you.
Wait, you gave him a car?
Hey, he seemed like a good guy.
Yeah man, he's going through it.