Hello I m Darren Magee and todays questions have been asking why so many victims of narcissistic
abuse actually end up being accused of being the abuser. Why do so many struggle with being
believed, and some of even being asking, Was I actually the narcissist? So to answer those
questions, I'm going to look at some of the common behaviours and phrases that narcissistic people
use. Things that chip away at their victims sense of self, erode their self-confidence,
their self esteem, even their character and their reputation. And I'm going to refer to partner as
in like a long term relationship. Although these behaviours can be present with say family members,
work colleagues or even friends. So if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel. Just to remind you though, this video is
for information purposes only. Now narcissism is often characterised by a sense of self importance,
a sense of entitlement. There's haughty behaviour and they can be very disagreeable. They can be
highly sensitive or highly resistant to criticism, there is a lack of empathy and they can be very
manipulative. And these characteristics, these behaviours are not just once in a while. They
re almost like a default setting. They are long term, they are pervasive and they are consistent.
Also, just consider that many narcissistic people have what I would call a public face
and a private face. Publicly to others they can be very kind, caring, virtuous, noble and so on.
It's behind closed doors with their victim that they can be toxic, disagreeable and devaluing.
So you may not hear the following things word for word, but maybe something resembling it.
Or you may see it expressed in their behaviour. So firstly, if they get pulled up on their bad
behaviour, maybe there's no way for them to blame shift or get out of it. One way or another they
are facing the consequences of their behaviour, they may ask for a second chance, a clean slate if
you will. However, it isn't long before they are just going back to doing the same things again,
and eventually the partner might find that that person has now had maybe a hundred second chances.
When the partner keeps bringing this up, the fact that there's no change they may hear something
from the narcissist like, I am trying very hard to make this work and all you do is keep bringing
up the past . So the partner sounds is if they re holding a grudge. They sound unforgiving.
Next, the narcissist might just keep asking for the same things over and over again no matter how
many times the partner says no. The partner may hear things like, Can you know? Will you not? Why
won't you? But I don't understand why you won't. Why would you say no? I don't think that's fair.
That's actually really selfish. And the aim here is to wear the partner out, to grind them down
until they just say yes to get them to be quiet. Now even if the partner explodes in frustration,
says something like, Just do whatever you want , As far as the narcissist is concerned, the partner
has just said yes. Then again, if the partner brings this kind of behaviour up, they could
be accused of being selfish, disagreeable. They are accused of complaining after they said yes.
Thirdly, and this would be more common, though not exclusively, with covert narcissism,
and that is constant negativity. Everything is a problem, everything is a strain. Every idea
will have an objection, every solution will have a problem and every silver lining will have a cloud.
They nit-pick everything, criticise their partner, everything and probably everyone else.
It's like they re sucking all the joy out of life. And the partner is kept in a constant state of
strain, burning up all their energy trying to fix, trying to rescue, trying to make things better.
This could look and sound like depression, and it may well be, but many times that perpetual
pessimism can switch off just like that when there is something that they are interested,
or if there is someone else around. The pessimism is kept for the partner. And again,
if the partner brings this up, addresses it, they may be accused of being uncaring and lacking
empathy for their low mood, their depression. Number four is being disagreeable. Everything
is a no . A direct no might sound something like, No, I'm not doing that. I don't want that.
Do it yourself . An indirect no might be something along the lines of, for example, if the partner
were to ask for assistance or something, they may hear something back like, Is that not your
responsibility? What about ownership? Or, Perhaps you should look within yourself.
They may even reject things that are in their own best interest, much to the frustration of the
partner. Or maybe insist on pointless changes to the partners ideas and suggestions. Anything they
do comes with a lot of complaints. Feet dragging, half-assed attempts or demanding hero worship for
doing it. Sooner or later the partner might stop asking, might stop offering, maybe just do things
themselves because that constant rejection, constant criticism, constant refusal can have
someone stop even trying. Then they are accused of being distant. And when they're struggling
that's when the narcissist maybe ask something like, Well, why didn't you come to me? All you
had to do was ask. And if the partner answers why they didn't go to the narcissist, they will be
accused of nagging or complaining or just moaning that they didn't get things their own way. Next,
narcissists rarely keep promises. Any agreements reached, joint decisions are either soon ignored
or forgotten. They may agree to do something or go somewhere, only to have plans change at the last
minute and act like they have no idea why their partner feels let down. Perhaps they want to buy
something. The partner says No, we can't afford that, we don't need that . They go ahead and buy
it anyway, and whenever the partner confronts them they might look confused and just say, Oh,
I thought we agreed. Which leads me onto the next one, toxic amnesia. Now they don't remember the
lie they told two minutes ago, never mind one they told two years ago. They only seem to remember the
things that suits them to remember, such as the partners faults, the partner's mistakes.
The partner does bring up something the narcissistic person has done they
may feign ignorance. What? What are you talking about? When was this? That never happened?
It's a form of gaslighting. It either didn't happen, or if it did, it didn't happen the
way the victim remembers it. The partner is accused of blowing things out of proportion
while they're acting oblivious to the destruction that there causing.
And the partner might sound crazy, insane, trying to get them to remember or at least acknowledge
the things that they have been doing, but they are often accused of making things up. It's the
victim that is accused of gaslighting. Next there is constant sabotage. Now they re maybe
ill at the last minute so have to cancel plans or make the partner go on their own.
They may start an argument just before they go out on a date, or just to ruin a holiday even.
Some really toxic cases they may hide or damage personal property or give it away to a good cause
without the partner's consent. They may withhold information that their partner might need to know.
This is a way of holding the partner back, creating obstacles, stifling them to keep them
under a state of unfulfillment and frustration and strain. Again, if the partner brings this up,
they may be accused of being selfish, malcontent than blaming other people for their own failings.
Next common behaviour, nothing the partner does or says has any credibility. They are constantly
devalued. They are treated like either a child or some kind of bumbling sidekick. When they're
trying to talk, the narcissistic person may just roll their eyes, laugh, give a wry smile.
Say things like, Oh, here we go again. They use convoluted word salad and circular reasoning to
confuse and irritate the partner and then give the partner a hard time for not
understanding that kind of nonsense. Really behaving as if they are too intelligent to be
talking to someone who is an intellectual inferior. The partner s self esteem and
confidence is so low that if they try to assert themselves somehow they are accused of being
aggressive. Now while all this has been going on, sometimes it's for months, sometimes even years,
every time the partner has pointed the behaviour out, tried to challenge it, tried to address it,
pointed out the effects of it, even to the point where they become frustrated, perhaps even angry,
then they are accused of being the narcissist. They are accused of being abusive. For reacting
the way they do to being treated badly. And this is what's often referred to as reactive abuse.
It's when the abuser acts with impunity, does what they like. But any objection, assertiveness, any
anger or outrage on the part of the partner, that is labelled as selfish, hurtful and aggressive and
it can get to the point where the partner feels unable, unsafe to do or say anything out fear of
being accused of abusing their abuser. This is further compounded because if they were to tell
anybody, tell somebody one, maybe two of those events, to other people that might sound petty,
malcontent. It sounds like there moaning about nothing because the other people are not seeing
it in the context that these things are happening all the time, there is a consistent pattern.
If you remember I mentioned earlier, many narcissistic people have what I refer to as
a public and a private face. In public they are decent people, they are very kind, very caring
and so on. Many can be very accomplished actors. So when they take one of the partners reactions,
now even if it has the smallest grain of truth in it, remember it gets twisted, it gets exaggerated,
it gets blown out of proportion, and there's no mention of the things that they did to
provoke those reactions. The victim is often left struggling, wondering why no one believes them.
Now, if you've been in a relationship like this, I would invite you to think about
reaching out to someone for support. Maybe talk to a mental health professional like a counsellor
or a psychotherapist. Perhaps join a support group to help aid in your road to recovery.
There are many other examples I could have listed. If there's anything I've forgotten, anything you
might like to add please use the comment box below, there are some interesting conversations
start around these videos. Again, if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.