-Chelsea Handler, as always, welcome back to the show.
-Oh, so happy to be here. I just love it here.
-It's good energy, right? It's good energy out here.
-Absolutely. [ Audience cheers ]
-Congrats, you just had two sold out shows
at the Beacon here in New York City.
-I know. I missed you. I was hoping you would come,
but you didn't, you blew me off, as usual.
-This is -- No, this is even better
'cause I'm closer to you here. -I know. This is --
That's exactly what I was thinking.
-[ Laughs ] I just -- I just wanted
to see you in person, yeah.
I can't wait. I'm gonna check out the tour.
But I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind --
I hate doing this on live television,
but there are some headlines
that happened to you over the summer,
and I was thinking of maybe bringing them up and seeing
if you don't mind, if -- are they true or what's your story
behind them? -Yeah, I love headlines. Yeah.
-I don't know if they're gossip
or what's going on. -Right, me neither.
I mean, I can't wait to hear them.
Let's start. -Okay.
Alright, well, this says,
"Chelsea Handler's Threesome with Masseuse
Led to Ted Harbert Romance End --
'I Was Very Turned on By' Her".
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, well, I have to tell the truth
because I'm incapable of anything else.
So, that one was tricky because I did Andy Cohen's radio show,
and I had -- by the time I left the studio,
I had already forgotten I had done it.
You know what I mean? Like, we do interviews all the time.
And during that interview, he had asked me
if I had any threesomes.
And I like to, you know, again, tell my personal history
as if it's my own only personal history.
And I always forget there are other people
involved in my stories.
So I was walking -- -In this case,
two other people. -Yeah. [ Laughs ]
So I was walking to lunch the next day,
and I had a new Apple phone, and it was blowing up,
and I couldn't understand how to work it.
And I was like, just stop, stop, stop.
And then it was a text from my ex-boyfriend,
Ted Harbert, who is, you know, a very dear friend of mine,
and said, "That was not cool. Please don't do that again.
Some things are better left private."
And I was like, "Wow, that's a pretty stern e-mail
to be getting from my ex-boyfriend."
And I was like, "What's he talking about?"
And then I was like, "Did I say something?"
And then I Googled myself, -Oh, no.
Don't ever do that. -And every e-mail was like,
"Chelsea Handler ends -- breaks up with Ted Harbert
because of masseuse -- threesome with masseuse."
So I really want to clarify, I want to go on the record
that that is not why our relationship ended.
[ Laughter ]
-That's not why? -No.
We did have a lot of threesomes and that --
while that's private, it's already out there.
So I'm gonna double down on that
and just say that we didn't break up
because I left him for the masseuse.
That didn't happen. -You think that's why
he's upset? [ Laughter ]
You think that's why he's mad?
He's saying with a stern e-mail, he's like,
"I just want you to tell the truth.
We had other problems." [ Laughter ]
-But you know Ted Harbert. I thought it gave --
So many people came up to me -- He was your boss at some point.
-I know. -So many people came up to me
and they were like, "Wow,
that gave Ted Harbert a lot of street cred.
Who knew he was having threesomes?"
[ Laughter ]
So, I just want to say he was.
-Oh, my gosh, stop saying that.
[ Laughter ]
Now I'm getting an e-mail, by the way.
-But I love Ted Harbert. I love you, if you're watching.
Hopefully not.
-Ted, I love you, too. We kept it at twosome.
We kept it at two-- We kept it at two--
Alright, how about this headline?
-We both love you, Ted.
-We do. How about this headline?
"Chelsea Handler Reveals She Is Dating Mystery Man
Who Is 'Full of Love and Positivity'".
Ooh. -That was also a mistake.
That was -- [ Laughter ]
I posted a photo with my --
Okay, so I have a summer place that I like to go in Spain,
and down underneath the house or below the house, there's a bar.
And the bartender became a very close friend of mine
for obvious reasons.
And I -- -That bartender's you.
-Yeah, I mean, we spent a lot of time together,
and so he became my baby, and I called him "baby",
and we were very affectionate with each other because --
There he is. Oh, there he is.
Look. Look how cute he is. -"This is my baby.
He's full of love and positivity,
and his body is my wonderland.
I love my baby, and now, I go back to work."
-That's right. And so, bye-bye, baby.
And now baby's famous. Look at him. Look at baby.
-So you call him baby, but not because he's baby.
He's just... -Not because he's my baby.
Because he's -- I love people who bring drinks to me.
[ Laughter ]
Baby, that's -- Then you're my baby.
-That's a great way -- -Yes.
-That's a great way of putting it.
-It's like, baby, you know. I kissed him on the lips.
Every time he brought me a drink, I was like,
"Mwah, thank you." You know, just happiness.
Really. -Happy baby, yeah.
Can we talk about the standup tour?
-Yes. -It's going through December?
-I'm coming everywhere, you guys.
Because you know what I love? Standup.
-You do? -I do. I love it so much.
I took a break, and I came back,
like, three specials ago or two specials ago,
and I just can't get enough of it.
So I love --
I just love performing and telling my stories.
They're so ridiculous, my stories.
-They're my favorite. -You know, I mean,
I have a great story this time about Andrew Cuomo.
I almost had a threesome with him,
but it didn't quite pan out. -Oh, it does not --
You're gonna get in trouble. -No, I'm not gonna get
in trouble because it's true. And --
Not the threesome. Not the threesome part.
-That was the part I'm concerned about.
-No, no, no. We didn't have a threesome.
We didn't even have a twosome, but I was trying
to drum up some business with him.
Anyway... [ Laughter ]
That was when he was, you know, cool and fun
and, like, leading our nation
at a time where we were dehydrated for leadership.
So... but that didn't come to fruition.
But I have some good stories in my standup
that it's -- it gives me a lot of joy to share them
because the only person who comes out
looking really stupid is me, you know what I mean?
Everybody else doesn't come out --
come out looking badly, I don't think.
-No. Not at all. -I don't -- Yeah.
I mean, look at Ted Harbert. He's having threesomes,
you know? -Stop saying that.
[ Laughter ]
-I got rid of my Apple Watch so he can't text me again.
-I wanted to --
Since the last time you've been on the show,
you guest hosted on "The Daily Show",
and I gotta say, you were phenomenal.
It was such a great job. -Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I loved it. -People loved it.
You got great --
'Cause you know what you're doing.
You're smart, you're funny,
you're quick, you're sharp.
And it got great headlines.
And I go, "This is such a perfect fit."
And I go, "Man, when are they making the move?
When is Chelsea Handler taking over 'Daily Show'?"
-Oh, well, what I will say about that is that I think
we are in a very important cultural moment, you know,
with women dominating culture.
We have -- Yeah. -I agree.
-The two highest grossing tour.
I mean, look at T-- look at Taylor Swift.
She's, like, our president now, you know?
Like, I'm like, Taylor Swift is ruling the universe.
Beyoncé -- the two highest grossing tours
of the summer are women. -Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The highest grossing movie of the year, you know,
the highest grossing movie of the year
was directed by a woman about women, you know?
"Barbie".
And look at -- Like, you look at Coco Gauff
and how many people are watching her
win her very first grand slam versus watching the man
who broke every record and is breaking them,
And... -Women.
-And just -- just the way that women
are showing up for each other, you know?
You look at women's soccer, it's more watched
than men's soccer right now.
You look at women's volleyball, 92,000 people
showed up at a women's volleyball game indoors.
That's crazy. -Yeah.
-And -- [ Cheers and applause ]
And I think it's -- And I think, as you know,
in anybody in a position of power should respect the fact
that we are in a moment where women
are finally dominating the way that they deserve to be,
and whether it's me or not, they should hire a woman.
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-So... -I think --
-Wouldn't you guys all like to see a woman
behind a desk? -Yeah, absolutely.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah.
-I think especially -- -Yeah.
-...with this political -- with the election --
with the election coming up,
I think it would be great to have a woman
in late nights to talk -- -And women --
women have been so underserved that when we're represented,
we show up in droves for each other.
We go, and men show up for us, too.
-Yeah. -So, yeah, this is a very --
this is a pivotal moment in our culture,
and I always want to be very respectful of that.
-Yeah, I'm so happy for you, and congratulations
on everything, and thank you for coming here.
I want to talk to you more. Chelsea Handler, everybody.
For tickets to her "Little Big Bitch" tour,
go to ChelseaHandler.com.
We're doing something fun with Chelsea after the break,
Stick around.