- My dad's growing all his own food now, that's a good sign.
(audience laughing)
He's got this big garden in Georgia.
He's all proud of it.
Anytime I go anywhere he is like,
"Oh before you go to LA,
you know anybody out there that likes squash?
We'll send some squash out there with you. You can..."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Dad that's not a thing I could know about a...
city."
(audience laughing)
And he texted me today and he said,
"Do you like-" and he sent me an eggplant emoji.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping and laughing)
And I said, "Is this for me?"
(audience laughing)
And he said, "It's for whoever likes it."
(audience laughing)
And I have not texted him back.
I'm not gonna do it.
(upbeat music)
Some of my friends are having kids.
Some millennials are having kids.
What? Why? What, what?
(audience laughing) What?
Don't do it.
If you're a millennial
and you already had a kid, give it back.
(audience laughing)
Give it back.
I'll take it-
One of my friends, has a kid, he's still a goth.
Remember goths?
(audience laughing)
He's still being a goth.
From middle school.
30 years old, he's a goth with lower back pain and a kid.
(audience laughing)
It's not gonna work.
(audience laughing)
How's it gonna work?
How's it gonna work, goth dad?
(audience laughing)
How's it gonna work?
Kid comes home from school, he's like,
"I hate my life. I hate you. I'm going to my room."
You're like, "Me too."
Then you both run up the stairs.
(audience laughing)
Who stays downstairs?
(audience laughing)
Someone has to stay downstairs and go, "I didn't like that."
(audience laughing)
Might have to put my foot down.
Can't put your foot down in a pair of Vans.
(audience laughing)
Can't do it.
Can't do it, Dad.
Keep that foot up. (audience laughing continues)
Keep that foot up, goth dad.
It's weird, millennials, we're very insecure.
We're the most insecure generation.
We want everybody to like us.
Nobody does.
(audience member whooping)
We figure maybe Gen Z, maybe they'll like,
maybe they got something
that other generations don't notice.
(audience laughing)
They don't like us either.
All my millennial friends would be like, 'I was at work,
I think all the Gen Z kids don't like me.
Like I walked in the break room, they all stopped talking.
I was like, oh no, am I cringe?"
(audience laughing)
"Oh, I think I might be cringe.
Am I cringe? You think I'm cringe?"
"Yes, you're cringe. We're all cringe.
(audience laughing)
Just live cringe. It's fine."
I never even looked it up.
I'm just using context clues.
(audience laughing)
We all are. It's fine.
Who can- why do you need to hang out with kids?
These are children.
Remember in eighth grade,
how you didn't give a shit what sixth graders thought?
Keep doing that.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, they're so mean."
We'll hit them with your hands.
(audience laughing and clapping)
It's worked in every grade.
I'm from Royston, Georgia.
Anybody heard of that?
No one has.
(audience laughing)
It's like an hour from Atlanta.
Only 2000 people live there.
Not a lot going on.
But we got a website this year
so check it out after the show, cityofroyston.com.
We got a section called "Things to Do,"
(audience laughing)
and number three is "Go to Atlanta."
(audience laughing)
So you don't even have to come.
We got one bank in Royston, only one.
And it got robbed this year.
And the guy got away on a bike, a bi-cycle.
(audience laughing)
A two-wheel, foot-powered machine.
He got away from our whole police.
(audience laughing)
And in a town so small, I know the sheriff.
So I asked him, I go, "What happened with that?"
And he goes, "Oh yeah, we were looking for a car."
(audience laughing)
"And we're not gonna look two days in a row, so.
We figured, he needed that money more than we did."
(audience laughing)
We'll let him go, hang tight."
So moved here and a couple things have changed in LA.
I don't say supper anymore.
(audience laughing)
I say dinner now.
And if you say supper, cut it out.
It is gross.
I didn't know.
Turns out you can't ask a lady on a first date to supper.
(audience laughing)
It's disgusting.
You just sound terrified her.
(growling voice) "Hey woman."
I was hoping you could join me for supper.
(audience laughing)
Maybe he sit on some buckets and eat beans out of a can.
Supper.
(audience laughing continues)
Maybe after super I could take pictures of your feet."
(audience laughing)
So now I say dinner.
Just turned 30. Isn't that cool?
(audience cheering)
- [Audience Member] Happy Birthday.
- Hey, thank you.
I don't have a house.
(audience laughing)
Really thought I'd have a house.
So they told me at school they'd be like,
"You're gonna grow up and get a house."
They told me that I would draw it at school.
I'd draw a little house,
(audience laughing)
had a real pointy top.
Had a little smoke stack inside.
(audience laughing)
Always a fire going at Caleb's house.
(audience laughing)
Very strong wind. I put a sun in the corner,
much bigger than the house.
(audience laughing)
It only fit a fourth of this sun.
(audience laughing continues)
Sun beams coming in.
Yeah, it's always daytime.
(audience laughing)
Daytime with a raging fire.
(audience laughing)
Had a bird right next to the sun.
(audience laughing)
Just as big as the house.
(audience laughing)
I had a window in there.
My face would be in that window, I had a big smile.
And I was going, "I go the house."
But I never drew an apartment. (audience laughing)
I didn't draw an apartment one time when I was in school.
I don't think there's a kid alive sad enough
to draw a whole apartment.
Teacher's like, "What are you drawing here?"
He's like, "This is my apartment."
(audience laughing)
"Ah, yeah
I'll be 38, living in the same one."
(audience laughing)
"Yeah, there's all seven of my roommates in the window."
(audience laughing)
They all got big frowns on their face.
(audience laughing continues)
We're all watching our one Netflix that we share,
in the Kitchen." (audience laughing)
- Sad, very sad.
I'll never have a house. I've accepted it.
I'm cool with it.
I live in LA, I'll never have a house.
But all my friends think they're still getting one.
All my dumb millennial friends keep asking me questions.
They're always like,
"Would you ever live in a haunted house?"
(audience laughing)
"Would you ever live in a house where, like
somebody'd been murdered in the house?"
I'll do the murder. I'll kill you.
(audience laughing)
And take your house.
I'll tell you my favorite thing that ever happened
in Royston, was 'cause we only had one substitute teacher
for the whole county.
She was the oldest woman ever lived.
Her name was Ms. Rice.
She was 110,000, and...
(audience laughing)
the way she would substitute,
is every day she would record the whole class
on an old-timey tape recorder.
And every day be exactly the same.
She'd be like, "Shh, this is Ms. Rice
and this Miss Westmorland's fourth period class.
And whatever you do is gonna be on the tape.
It's not gonna be my word against yours
'cause we've got a record of it.
So you think about that when you go acting up.
She gets back on Monday, (audience laughing continues)
she's not gonna be too happy about it."
She was totally out of her mind.
(audience laughing) And one day, we were very bad.
When she was at the bathroom
somebody stole the tape out of the tape recorder
and she got real mad.
She gets back in front of the class.
She was like, "I know somebody in here took that tape.
Now what we're going to do is
we're all going to close our eyes.
I'll close mine too.
And whoever took it, you gonna put it back on my desk
and you won't be in trouble.
But I need that tape back.
They make me pay for those tapes."
So we all closed our eyes
and when we opened 'em back up, the tape recorder was gone.
(audience laughing)
I don't know who that kid was
but that's the funniest kid that's ever lived.
That is the best. (audience laughing continues)
I hope they're still out there telling people.
"Then she came back. I was like,
'Oh, I'm taking that shit too.'"
(audience laughing)
She's dead now, but it was a good prank.
(audience laughing)
We got her on the way out.
Don't believe them. Another thing I don't believe,
is British people.
(audience laughing)
I know it's a real country
but I think that accent's been fake for a long time
(audience laughing)
and no one will say it.
I've gone to bars
and pretended to be British all night long.
Just like, (British accent) "Hello, everybody"
no one ever said, "You're not British.
You better leave, fake British."
(audience laughing)
We all get away with it.
That's all the whole country's doing.
Is like see how many thousand years it takes.
None of 'em are real. They're all pretend.
And I can tell, I can see it cause it's every word.
That's how you know they'll be like, "Hello, I'm British.
Me and me flat mates was in me flat."
And I'm like, oh, come on.
(audience laughing)
You know it's not a flat.
(audience laughing)
That's how they, cause I look, I'm from the south.
I'm from Royston, Georgia.
I am from the southerns place in the world.
It's the deep south.
I was born in a hay bale.
My dad is a hot dog.
I am the southern man who will ever find in the world.
But I don't get up here and talk like the truck from cars.
I talk like a normal person (audience laughing)
and I say all the words.
I'm not up here going, "Hey y'all" (speaking gibberish)
Not what I'm doing, 'cause it's wrong.
My dad's a preacher.
That's pretty fun.
So my family, they're very strict Christian
you know they don't curse.
They think cursing is a sin
but they love to get as close as they can.
They think that's okay, for some reason.
(audience laughing)
They're always like, "Shut the front door."
(audience laughing)
They get all excited 'cause they tricked God.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, really? You think that worked?
You think God's up in heaven?
Like, "Oo. Oh, okay."
(audience laughing)
"I thought you were gonna say fuck.
If you'd have said fuck, I'd be like
'Get down there to hell.'
And then you went front door.
I was like, 'Oh, I know what he meant.
I just can't prove it.'"
(audience laughing)
"I created everything and I know everything.
But riddles are like, ah."
(audience laughing)
"'You got old God, you got old God.'"
(audience laughing)
So they don't curse
but they do say horrific shit (audience laughing)
that happens to be clean.
Like we're all sitting out on the porch
and it started raining, but the sun was out.
One of my uncles goes, "Oh, raining when the sun's out.
You know what that means?
Devil's beating his wife."
(audience laughing)
And everybody else just goes, "Mm hmm.
(audience laughing)
That's what that means."
No. What a great southern saying.
Why can't it just be nature?
Why'd you add the worst backstory of all time?
"Oh look, there's a rainbow.
The devil just said the N word on Xbox Live.
Can you believe that?
I can't believe that devil."
Oh look, there's an eclipse.
A devil just got a at the Kids' Choice Awards.
I cannot believe,
the Devil.
I do not support the devil.
(audience laughing)
One guy at my church, he does curse.
And one time I was talking to him, he was like,
"Man the devil can suck my dick."
And I was like, "I don't think that'll help.
(audience laughing)
He's a known trickster.
I wouldn't put my dick in his mouth if I was you.
(audience laughing)
That will come back to haunt you.
I'm almost certain he is..."
Can't get up to heaven.
God's like, "Whoa, did the devil suck your dick?"
And he is like, "I did that for you, Lord."
And he's like, "I didn't want that at all."
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you one last thing before I go.
This is about one of the best nights of my life.
It's about seven years old.
And my family's very strict.
I told you they no TV, no internet.
Those are from the devil.
So we had to play outside every day where it's safe.
You know, nothing bad ever happened in the woods.
(audience laughing)
So me, my brother, and my sister were outside
playing with an ax and we were having fun.
(audience laughing)
Just hitting things with it.
It's a great day, having a good time.
And we find a can on the ground.
And I say to my brother, I'm like,
"Hey let's chop this can in half, see what's in there."
(audience laughing)
He's like, "That is the best idea I have ever heard."
(audience laughing)
So we put the can on a stump, we chop it in half
and that's when we realize it is a can of red spray paint.
(audience gasping)
And we realize it quick.
(audience laughing)
'Cause when you chop one of those in half
it explodes,
because of...
- Science. Science, yes.
(audience laughing)
It explodes because of science.
(audience laughing)
and it explodes mostly on my five year old sister
who is standing this close to the stump,
(audience laughing)
"Oo, I can't wait to see what it is.
I'll be the first one."
(audience laughing)
So it blows up in her face, blows her back a few feet.
She starts crying, screaming really loud,
really overreacting to the explosion.
(audience laughing)
My mom hears the screams.
So she opens up the screen door in the back,
looks out there to see what it is.
And she gets all mad.
And at the time I was like, "Mom's a big old Bitch."
(audience laughing)
Now I'm like, "Oh mom, thought my sister was dead."
(audience laughing)
And she had a few clues.
Clue number one, her daughter laying on the ground
covered in red paint.
Clue number two, my brother standing next to her,
holding a red ax,
(audience laughing)
a very guilty look on his face.
(audience laughing)
And then me standing next to him
laughing harder than I've ever laughed in my whole life.
(audience laughing)
And after that we got a TV.
(audience laughing and clapping)
It all worked out.
(sonar beeping)