WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S FRIDAY, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT, RIGHT?
IT'S FRIDAY HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S FRIDAY ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REAL FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT.
THAT IS AMAZING.
I GET TO MEET AMAZING PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW.
IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO DO A SHOW LIKE THIS.
>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: THE NUMBER OF PEOPLEY I GET TO SIT DOWN AND
TALK TO AND ONE I GET TO SEE SOCIALLY, ELANMUSK, THE FOUNDER
OF TESLA AND SPACEX.
HE'S A REAL-LIFE TONY STARK, AND I'M A FAN OF SPACEX, BECAUSE I
LOVE SPACE TRAVEL, BUT THEY HAD A ROUGH DAY YESTERDAY.
LOOK AT THIS.
HERE IS THEIR UNMANNED ROCKET BEING REFUELED AT CAPE
CANAVERAL.
BOOM!
IT BLOWED UP REAL GOOD.
NOW, IT WAS UNMANNED, OKAY.
VERY IMPORTANT.
NO ONE WAS HARMED, BUT IT WAS CARRYING A SATELLITE THAT WAS
SUPPOSED TO BRING INTERNET TO SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.
YEAH, I KNOW.
NOW NOT ONLY DON'T THEY HAVE CLEAN DRINKING WATER, BUT THEY
ALSO CAN'T BITCH ABOUT IT ON YELP.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE.
FALL IS COMING.
FALL IS COMING RIGHT NOW.
SUMMER IS COMING TO AN END.
LABOR DAY WEEKEND, FALL'S COMING.
IT ALREADY FEELS LIKE WINTER IN THIS THEATER RIGHT NOW.
IT'S CHILLY.
>> Jon: EVERY SINGLE DAY.
>> Stephen: ONE NICE THING ABOUT FALL, OF COURSE, FOOTBALL
SEASON.
FOOTBALL FANS HERE?
( APPLAUSE ) ME, TOO.
YEAH.
THEN YOU KNOW THE NFL SEASON IS ABOUT TO GET UNDER WAY, AND THIS
WEEK AT A PRESS CONFERENCE, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TOM
BRADY UNVEILED HIS NEW HAIRCUT.
THERE IT IS.
BRADY'S GETTING A LOT OF GRIEF A THE LOT OF GRIEF ONLINE FOR
THIS, BUT I THINK THAT'S BENEATH US AS A NATION.
JUST LET ME SAY I THINK IT'S THE PERFECT STYLE IF YOU SPEND MOST
OF YOUR TIME WEARING A HELMET.
THIS IS PERFECT.
WHERE IS HIS OFFENSIVE LINE?
AREN'T THEY SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM FROM TRAUMATIC HEAD
INJURIES LIKE THIS?
THAT'S THE HAIRCUT YOUR WIFE GETS BEFORE RUNNING AWAY TO RUN
A LESBIAN FOOD CO-OP IN VERMONT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PLEASE, COME ON THE SHOW.
, SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ARE
WEIRD AND TERRIFYING, RECENTLY, A LIGHTNING STRIKE KILLED MORE
THAN 300 REINDEER IN NORWAY.
SO BLEAK.
SO HAUNTING.
IT'S THE MOST NORDIC STORY EVER.
JON, CAN I HAVE SOME BLEAK MUSIC, PLEASE?
♪ ♪ ♪ IT WAS A GRIM-- IT WAS A GRIM
SCENE.
HUNDREDS OF REINDEER WERE STREWN ACROSS THE DESOLATE PLATEAU, AND
A RESEARCHER WHO INSPECTED THE SCENE SAID, "THE AIR WAS FILLED
WITH A SMELL THAT SEEMED BOTH SWEET AND SOUR."
SO SAD...
AND YET...
MMMM.
SWEET AND SOUR REINDEER.
( LAUGHTER ) SOUNDS GOOD.
THIS STORY HAS REALLY GOT ME WORRIED.
HOW IS SANTA GOING TO GET AROUND THIS YEAR?
REGULAR DEER?
THAT'S NOT MAGICAL.
PLUS, THE SONG WILL NOW JUST GO, ♪ RUDOLF THE RED NOSED REINDEER
SAW HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY DIE ♪ WHEN THE STORMY LIGHTNING HIT
THEM AND HE HAD TO WATCH THEM FRY ♪
SWEET AND SOUR!
THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT SO FAR.
THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT.
AND THOSE 300 DEAD REINDEER AREN'T THE ONLY ONES HAVING A
ROUGH WEEK.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOPER REEL FROM A LOCAL COMMERCIAL SHOOT IN
MAINE?
IT'S AN OLDER COUPLE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY "BAKED IN A
BUTTERY, FLAKY CRUST," BUT THEY'RE HAVING SOME TROUBLE.
>> THE LINE IS, "BAKED IN A BUTTERY FLAKY CRUST.
>> BAKED ON A BUTTERY-- CRUST.
>> CLOSE.
>> BUTTERY-- >> BAKED IN A BUTTERY FLAVORED
CRUST.
BAKED IN A BUTTERY FLAVORED CRUST-- CRUST.
BAKED IN A BUTTERY CRISPY CRUST.
FLAKY!
I LEFT FLAKY OUT AGAIN.
CRISPY.
>> FLAKY!
>> BAKED IN A BUTTERY CRISPY FLIGHT.
>> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY, THAT'S NICE.
SOMEHOW WATCHING PEOPLE STRUGGLE TO SAY SOMETHING IS INHERENTLY
FUNNY.
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL...
>> VIRAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID I SAY?
>> VIRTUAL.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> Stephen: I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL.
THAT VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL!
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIMEO WENT STYROFOAM.
WATCHING PEOPLE STRUGGLE TO SAY SOMETHING IS JUST INHERENTLY
FUNNY.
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL.
>> Jon: VIRAL!
>> Stephen: I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIRILE HORSE CAUGHT FIRE.
>> WHAT?
>> THAT VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL...
>> VIRTUAL!
>> VIDEO WENT VIRTUAL.
>> Jon: LET ME TRY!
I TOTALLY SEE THAT VOODOO VIGGO MORTENSEN.
>> Stephen: HA-HA!
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT-- SORRY, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
>> VIDEO WENT VIRAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT VIDEO?
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THAT VIDEO WAS BAKED INTO A BUTTERY CRISPY
CRUST.
>> Jon: FLAKY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> NO!
VIRAL!
>> Stephen: I TOADY SEE THAT VIDEO VIRAL CRUST-- I'M SORRY,
CAN WE JUST FIX THIS IN POST?
I TOTALLY SEE WHY THIS-- >> --VIDEO WENT VIRAL.
>> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH!
NOW SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.