The only issue I have right now,
being over 50, is I like clothes.
I like to shop for clothes,
but a single man over 50,
unsupervised shopping for clothes
is a very dangerous thing.
Right?
The younger people in the audience
can back me up.
I feel young, but I'm not supposed
to dress young.
Right?
No.
I got to go for youthful,
but I can't go too youthful.
I still have to pull it back.
I've got to keep it
this side of creepy
is what I'm shooting for.
(audience laughing)
It's very-- I'll give you
an example.
I was out the other day rocking
a classic Adidas jacket,
three stripes on the side.
Some young guy says, "dude, that
"is a sweet classic Adidas jacket.
"Is that an original?"
I was like, wow, man.
First of all, thank you for assuming
I keep my clothes for 30 years.
(audience laughing)
It's dicey.
You got to know what to wear.
You have to know what
to stay away from.
I had a fashion epiphany last year.
I was at a resort in Palm Springs.
15 men my age
checking into this resort,
14 of these men
are wearing the Tommy
Bahama Hawaiian print shirt.
(audience laughing)
Then it hit me that
the Tommy Bahama
Hawaiian print shirt is
the first stage in fashion dementia
for the middle aged man.
(audience laughing)
If your wife buys you
a Tommy Bahama
Hawaiian print shirt what she's
trying to say is, I don't know what
to do with your puffy body anymore.
(audience laughing)
So let's just camouflage it
with pineapples and palm trees.
(audience laughing)
I think their marketing slogan
should be, "when your body goes
"to pot let Tommy Bahama hide
"the spot."
(audience laughing)
The women are laughing and the guys
are like, "dude what am I going
"to do now?
"What side are you on?"
(audience laughing)
But here's one thing I learned
the hard way.
I was told to my face, gentlemen,
the cargo short is out.
Men love the cargo short.
Right?
Because its form, and its fashion,
and it is function,
but women despise the cargo short
and gay men roll their eyes
at the cargo short.
I told the gay friend that I had one
pair of cargo short
and he says something to me that
still haunts me to this day.
Do you know what he said to me?
Ew.
(audience laughing)
But history will smile on the cargo
short, gentleman,
because someday my son is going
to say, "dad when I was a kid
"and we went out in public how come
"you seem so prepared everywhere
"we went?"
(audience laughing)
And I'm going to say son,
there was a time
when men could walk
around in public with shorts
with pouches on the outside.
(audience laughing)
It was like having two backpacks
inside my pants.
(audience laughing)
My outside pouch was so stretched
out and filled with supplies,
you know what I kept in mine,
brother?
Extra pair of cargo shorts.
That's how big.
(audience laughing)
Love those things.
(audience laughing)
Now, I used to go on my own.
Used to go shopping at Nordstrom
Rack.
Right?
Made me feel good.
Had a little bag, Nordstrom right
on the title.
Made me look like I was shopping
Nordstrom clothes at discount
prices, but hear me clearly
gentlemen.
These are not Nordstrom clothes.
These have never been Nordstrom
clothes.
These are clothes that auditioned
for Nordstrom
and didn't get the part.
(audience laughing)
There are whole thing is a lie.
You can't apply to Harvard
University, not get in, and go yeah,
but I got this sweet diploma
from Harvard rack.
No you don't it.
It doesn't exist.
(audience laughing)
There's something not right
with the clothes at Nordstrom Rack.
I bought a pair of boxer briefs
at Nordstrom Rack,
didn't have an opening in the front.
Fake opening.
Looked like an opening, didn't open.
(audience laughing)
I put them on and I'm like,
this is a fire code violation.
(audience laughing)
Good for you people.
Good for you.
A little tension, a little release
right there.
Well done.