>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, MY NEXT GUEST IS A REGULAR
PERFORMER AT THE COMEDY CELLAR AND A VERY FUNNY MAN.
PLEASE WELCOME NICK GRIFFIN ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
YOU SOUND GOOD, YES?
>> Audience: YES!
>> GOOD HUFFENS.
GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S A LOT.
AND IT'S HARD TO FEEL GOOD, YOU KNOW.
ESPECIALLY AS AN ADULT.
YOU CAN KIND OF SEE IT COMING, COULDN'T YOU, REMEMBER WHEN YOU
WERE A KID AND YOU LOOKED AT YOUR PARENT AND THEY ALWAYS
SEEMED ANXIOUS AND PISSED OFF.
YOU'D BE LIKE, "GEEZ, WHAT'S THEIR PROBLEM?"
THEN YOU GET OLDER AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OKAY."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S HARD TO BE AN ADULT, MAN.
YOU JUST-- JUST BABY SITTING YOURSELF ALL DAY.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
( LAUGHTER ) TRYING NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU
REALLY WANT TO DO.
AH-- I CAN'T.
TRY NOT TO EAT TOO MUCH OR DRINK TOO MUCH OR SMOKE TOO MUCH OR
SPEND TOO MUCH OR WATCH TOO MUCH.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHY ADULTS GO TO BED EARLY.
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING LEFT TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ) "BUT IT'S 7:30."
"IT'S OVER!" ( LAUGHTER )
YOUR SOCIAL LIFE SHRINKS AS YOU GET OLDER.
I USED TO DO A LOT OF STUFF, BUT I HAVE NO PATIENCE.
I USED TO GO TO A LOT OF CONCERTS.
I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE, THOSE BIG SOLD-OUT, 20,000-SEATS.
YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO GET INTO THE CONCERT, GOTTA WAIT FOR A DRINK,
GOTTA WAIT FOR THE BATHROOM, GOTTA WAIT FOR THE BAND.
AND BEFORE THE BAND STARTS THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "ARE YOU
READY TO ROCK?" YES!
( APPLAUSE ) , OF COURSE, WE'RE READY TO
ROCK.
WE BOUGHT A TICKET.
WE PAID FOR PARKING.
LET'S-- ( LAUGHTER )
HOW DO I PROVE TO YOU I'M READY TO ROCK?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY I THINK CONCERTS ARE
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND SOMEBODY SAYS,
"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?" YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!
I AM READY TO ROCK!
HOW DID THAT GUY KNOW?" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT YOU'RE BUSY YOU'RE LIKE, "JUST GO!"
"PLAY THE FOUR SONGS I LIKE AND WRAP IT UP!"
( APPLAUSE )
I'M SINGLE.
>> Audience: WHOO!
>> WELL, THANK YOU, I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS BUT, YEAH, I AM
SINGLE.
THAT'S A COOL THING TO SAY.
IN YOUR 20.
RIGHT.
IT MEANS I'VE ARRIVED.
I'VE GOT PLANS.
SAYING IT NOW MEANS MY PLAN SUCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I REALLY DO.
I THINK I'M AT A POINT YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ON BOTH SIDES.
I'VE BEEN SINGLED, I'M DIVORCED, BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS, MARRIED.
I THINK RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE WHERE YOU GROW AND CHANGE, YOU KNOW.
YEAH.
I MEAN, SURE.
YOU CAN CHANGE AS A SINGLE PERSON.
IT'S JUST EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE RIGHT THERE GOING...
"CHANGE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) "FASTER."
I LIKE THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S THE BEST, ISN'T IT?
OH, YEAH.
SO MUCH HOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE A GYM MEMBERSHIP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
I'M GOING TO DO ALL THE EXERCISES.
YOU KNOW WHY THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS SO GOOD?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW THE OTHER PERSON.
YOU ONLY KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THEM.
THEY'RE ONLY SHOWING YOU THE GOOD STUFF AT THE BEGINNING.
IT'S THE MOVIE TRAILER TO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE TRYING TO TRICK YOU LIKE
MOVIE TRAILERS DO.
THEY'RE TRYING TO SELL YOU ON SOME SEXY ACTION COMEDY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT SEXY
ACTION COMEDIES.
NO.
THEY'RE SHORT PORNO FILM FOLLOWED BY A PBS DOCUMENTARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) SORT OF.
BUT I'M HANGING IN THERE.
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL TRYING, GOT A LOT OF SUPPORT.
MY SISTERS ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "GOTTA HANG IN THERE.
GOTTA KEEP TRYING."
THEY'RE ALL IN LONG-TERM MARRIAGES.
"YOU CAN DO IT.
IT COULD HAPPEN GOOD NIGHT.
YOU COULD MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AT 70."
OH, I HOPE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AT 70?
THAT'S LIKE GETTING AN iPHONE 4 NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> NEXT WEEK HE'LL BE AT THE L.O.L. COMEDY CLUB IN SAN
ANTONIO, TEXAS.