(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me,
you believe that a glass of wine at eight p.m.
makes you a better mom, so pour yourself a glass
and let's talk.
I'm super into these little personal size bottles lately,
especially of bubbly.
This is Prosecco and usually when you open a whole bottle,
you kinda need to finish it
because the bubbles go away and then it's gross,
but not when you have these little fools.
I don't think these have a cork.
I gotta use a blanket for this.
Oh.
Hey.
So there's a topic that's been running pretty rampant
on Facebook and I don't understand
why it's so controversial,
but we're gonna talk about it tonight.
So let's discuss the worst parts about breastfeeding.
Fair warning, I am pro breastfeeding,
so if you don't like it, you've been warned.
You don't have to watch this.
You can close it and go on with your day
and not leave a crappy comment, thanks.
So first judgy people,
I don't understand why other people who either
don't have children at all or don't breastfeed
involve themselves in this breastfeeding debate.
Like for example, this guy that I'm friends with on Facebook
who doesn't have any children
posted a status that said, just saw a mom
nursing on the subway.
Too much?
I think so.
And I saw that and I was like,
all right mommy time.
First of all, that mom is nursing her child on the subway
for the benefit of everyone around her
so they don't have to deal with a shrieking banshee
for the entire subway ride.
Second, a mom can't determine when her child
is going to be hungry.
I would like to see you try reasoning
with a newborn.
No, now is not the time that you're allowed to eat.
You're gonna have to wait till mom's at home alone
in privacy.
Good luck.
Also, people act is if women go to breastfeed their kids
and are just like breastfeeding time.
Everyone's husband gather round.
Time for the booby show.
Like, no.
The goal is not to give someone a free show
and the amount of breast that actually shows
is like a bikini.
So if you're cool going to the beach
and not going up to women,
like how indecent of you.
Leave the breastfeeding mom alone.
The whole point of breasts are to feed children
and if you can't separate what the breast's
actual function is from what you would like them to be,
maybe you shouldn't be in public at all.
I can't believe that this is even a thing
that people get mad about.
End rant.
It's hard to drink this quickly.
That's my only issue.
Next, the ever changing girls.
I would buy bras and one hour they would fit
and then the next hour they'd be too small
and then the next hour they'd be too big
and then the next hour they would fit again.
They're changing in size every hour
based on how much milk there is
and then when they're too full,
they just pour milk everywhere.
I can't even tell you how many times
I was having a conversation with a person
and their eyes just slowly went like.
And it's because my shirt was soaked.
Like I had two big wet balls.
Come on.
Like I would get to the point of just like
shoving paper towels in there.
I was like a high schooler again.
Just like stuffing my bra with paper towels.
Nothing to see here.
Don't touch 'em 'cause it'll crinkle.
I'm really grateful to be past the whole breastfeeding phase
because now my breasts can go back to the way
that they once were, which apparently is nothing.
Cheers to what they once were.
Next, pumping.
If you ever were wondering what the life is like
as a dairy cow, have a baby and pump.
Hee haw, hee haw, hee haw.
After all the advances in technology,
you'd think that these pumps would be
a little bit quiet.
Why are the pumps still so goddamn loud?
One time we were camping.
So I'm trying to discretely pump in our tent
and everybody's like what the heck is that?
Hee haw, hee haw.
Is she drilling something in there?
Like what hee haw, hee haw.
They have these cups that go over
and they're like these little cones that you stick over
and they like yank your boobs in and out.
I made the biggest mistake of looking at myself
in the mirror while I was pumping once.
(groaning)
It's not pretty.
Next, the thirst is real.
With both of my kids, the weirdest thing happened.
Every time I went to nurse them and they latched
I would just get like beyond thirsty.
Like deserted island, haven't had water
in three days thirsty.
I never had the thought to be like,
oh I should probably get some water
and like leave it near me for when I'm nursing.
Once your kid latches it's like game over,
you're stuck for a good half an hour.
So I'd try to signal my husband, like Matt.
Matt.
And I'm pretty sure it's a reflex that your body has
to make sure that you're hydrating while you're nursing
because making breast milk takes so much water.
So if this has happened to you,
please leave it in the comments
because I'm super confused about it to this day
and I wanna know that I'm not alone.
(burps)
Oh, there it is.
(burps)
So last, the end.
When it's time to wean your child,
it is a bundle of mixed emotions.
You're happy to have your boobs back.
You're sad because then your child
is not depending on you anymore.
My first child nursed forever
and it got to a point where I had to say
you're eating like three adult size meals a day.
It's time.
And then with my youngest, he was exclusively breastfed
until he was eight months old and then I got a full-time job
and I just had to quit cold turkey
because being a working mom is really tough
and then trying to pump on top of it is even tougher.
I was the one who suffered more from that
because I just felt so badly about it.
He didn't really care.
He was like, milk's in a bottle today, all right.
After both of those experiences,
I realized that no matter how my baby is getting fed,
as long as he's being fed, that's good
and I'm doing a good job.
And for any moms out there
who are struggling with breastfeeding
or who have had to stop breastfeeding
or who couldn't from the start,
you're doing fine too,
but if you are a person
who's gonna judge a mother for nursing,
just know that she is not doing it for anything
besides the soul purpose of benefiting her child.
So either give her a high five
or walk on by.
So that's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you've had any experience breastfeeding
or lack thereof, leave it in the comments
because this couch, this is a safe place.
I wanna hear about everyone's experience
and I don't want anybody to feel judged.
And I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my little personal bottle
of champagne.
It's so cute, while I still can.
While I still can.
Oh that sounds like I'm getting--
I'm not getting pregnant, stop.
Kevin, don't give me that look.
Kevin's behind the camera like.
Not having any babies soon.
So I'm going to finish my little cute bottle of champagne
because I can and 'cause I earned it.
And this one is for all of you women breastfeeding out there
and all of you pregnant women out there
'cause I know a lot of pregnant women watch this
and this one's for you and as soon as you pop that baby out
come over and have a glass with me.
Till next time.
(upbeat music)
(moaning)
Please include this
just so everyone knows how pretty I am.