Imagine waking up on an ordinary morning, only to discover that your reflection in the
mirror has become alien, monstrous.
Your limbs, once familiar, have morphed into spindly, insect-like protrusions, and a hard,
shiny shell covers your flesh.
In Franz Kafka’s book ‘The Metamorphosis,’ the main character, Gregor Samsa, confronts
this fate as he wakes up one morning, discovering he has transformed into a gigantic insect.
This isn’t just a physical transformation–it’s an existential one: a symbol for what he had
become during his previous existence as a dutiful son, an overworked employee, and a
provider for his family.
Gregor Samsa’s life was a ceaseless attempt to please others, to be what they needed him
to be, often at the cost of his own needs and desires.
His relentless pursuit of satisfying others, complying, and bending over backward left
him hollow, without identity.
Now, encased in the form of a bug, Gregor has become the ultimate symbol of alienation–not
just from his family or society but particularly from himself.
Kafka’s novella primarily deals with estrangement and the fragility of human relationships.
Although Kafka never explicitly explains why Gregor Samsa transforms into an insect, one
interpretation is that it symbolizes his selfless sacrifice and estrangement from his own identity
and those around him.
He took the burden of providing for his family on himself.
And his family willingly conformed to this arrangement, eventually taking his efforts
for granted.
But when he was unable to perform his duties because of what he had become, his family
treated him as a liability, despite his many years of commitment to his family’s wellbeing
without question.
Gregor is the quintessential people-pleaser.
But the way his family treated him after he lost his ability to provide for them shows
that pleasing others could be a one-way street.
And even if we obtain these things in our quest for approval and acceptance, they may
be fleeting.
Therefore, people-pleasing isn’t the most reliable currency.
More than often, it’s counterproductive and sometimes even dangerous.
Are you a people pleaser?
Or do you know someone who is?
This video explores the pernicious act of people pleasing, why we shouldn’t do it,
and some thoughts on how to stop it.
By the way, if you enjoy reading, check out my two anthologies on Stoic philosophy, where
ancient thought meets the musings of a modern mind.
From the surface, it may be difficult to criticize a person who seems always ready to help others.
Is there something more beautiful than putting yourself in the service of other people–to
dedicate your life to the well-being of your fellow humans?
Individuals like these often receive much praise; they’re well-liked and appreciated
and play vital roles in other people’s lives.
But on a deeper level, there’s a selfish element to their actions in many cases, which
they may not even be aware of.
At the core of their very being lies a deep desire to be accepted, validated, and not
be left alone.
Therefore, their people-pleasing doesn’t come purely from a wish for other people’s
happiness.
It’s transactional.
I do everything you want; I’ll be everything you want me to be, and, in return, you like
me, accept me, validate me, and stay by my side.
Let’s first begin defining the people pleaser.
Several definitions of the people pleaser exist.
I found the most straightforward and open definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary,
describing it as: “someone or something that pleases or wants to please people.”
But this point of view doesn’t say anything about the motives of such an individual.
Another definition I found in the Cambridge Dictionary stating: “someone who cares a
lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their
actions.”
The latter definition fits the narrative of this video.
From the viewpoint of this essay, a people-pleaser is someone who wants to please people to gain
their approval and validation.
Generally, pleasing people is their primary pursuit or, at least, an attitude and activity
they deem significant.
People pleasers also tend to look after other people’s needs at their own cost, putting
others first and themselves last.
If it takes self-sacrifice to gain acceptance, love (or, at least, what they perceive as
love), or simply a pat on the back, that’s what they do.
I’ve talked briefly about my narcissistic father before.
He has never been officially diagnosed, as he immediately rejects the idea that he may
have a problem.
At the same time, he unsurprisingly doesn’t refrain from blaming the entire world for
being a trainwreck in slow motion.
My father trained my siblings and me to make him look good.
How could we do that?
Well, mainly by achieving things he could subsequently brag about.
Naturally, most parents enjoy their children’s accomplishments and share their successes
with others.
But with my father, it was slightly different, as he attributed his children’s achievements
primarily to himself, as it was always because of him, whether it was because of his help
or guidance or simply because we were his offspring, that we succeeded.
However, he rarely expressed satisfaction with our accomplishments towards us or that
he was proud of us.
Yet, he wasn’t eager to brag about us toward anyone he knew.
In hindsight, it was all about him.
We were his mere extensions and served to enrich the image of success and grandiosity
he wanted to display.
I remember, during high school, when I skipped math classes, he accused me of “making him
look bad.”
Go figure.
So, for many years, even until my late twenties, my primary purpose was to make my father happy,
which, ironically, would never happen.
Now I look back on how futile, how destructive this whole dynamic had been.
The relentless pursuit of pleasing others is a dangerous trap that can lead to the erosion
of one’s individuality.
People pleasers try to fit the molds others prescribe to meet external expectations, a
pursuit that obscures their genuine needs and desires.
This form of self-abandonment not only alienates them from their true selves; it can also result
in unhealthy, unbalanced relationships, as they’re based on the dynamic of one person
constantly striving to please the other.
Pleasing my father was like chasing a carrot on a stick, a never-ending struggle.
My identity was his to mold; my values were his to determine.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The things I once enjoyed were things I believed I shouldn’t like, and the person I thought
I was turned out to be someone I wasn’t supposed to be.
A thick Jungian shadow formed, containing a massive collection of repressed characteristics,
unwanted things not allowed by the great almighty leader.
I didn’t even know what I actually wanted out of life or whether my desires, my plans,
and even my taste in women came authentically from myself or him.
And when I finally went my own way, I had to rebuild myself for a great part.
Although a bit on the extreme side, I believe that my life experiences serve as a cautionary
tale of what can happen when you put other people’s desires first.
People pleasing can erode your individuality; it can leave you estranged from yourself.
Your identity becomes the people-pleasing; therefore, it’s ultimately shaped by the
people you please, as their needs decide your actions.
For example, Kafka’s character Gregor Samsa adopted the identity of a dutiful son and
provider, which was entirely built around his family’s needs.
And thus, when he couldn’t please anymore, he lost his identity; there was nothing left
for him to live for.
Likewise, not having my father as my beacon of light anymore raised countless questions
about my identity, about who I was without him telling me, which, when I look back on
it, was probably a major drive to embark on this philosophical journey and to start this
channel eventually.
So, the danger of people pleasing in a nutshell is self-neglect in the broadest sense of the
word.
It’s self-neglect that hinders shaping an authentic identity, independent decision-making,
and pursuing personal needs and interests.
The archetypical people pleaser tends to have trouble saying “no,” which I can strongly
relate to.
Through the inability to deny other people’s requests of you, which generally go at your
own expense, people will significantly decide your agenda.
You will give them your time, energy, and resources: things that shouldn’t be wasted
carelessly.
But people pleasing isn’t just bad news for the pleaser; it can also go at the expense
of the people to whom the pleaser directs his efforts.
Take, for example, the pleasing mother doing literally everything for her teenage kids,
from cooking to cleaning after them, which not only takes a toll on her own life but
also hinders her children from learning basic life skills and developing a sense of responsibility.
By constantly stepping in to make everything perfect for them, she inadvertently prevents
her children from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.
All in all, people-pleasing comes with undeniable downsides.
It’s like lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm, which could eventually turn into
a blaze, burning the people you seek to please as well.
Validation and acceptance from others are the people pleaser’s pursuit.
But could it possibly be that these things are overrated?
Could it be that other people’s approval and companionship aren’t worthy of the neverending
self-sacrifice that some engage in?
The human tendency to seek validation isn’t entirely a mystery.
It’s most likely an evolutionary thing, as our lives would depend on the acceptance
by the tribe, a relatively small group of individuals we spent our existence with.
There wasn’t really a choice regarding the people we hung out with; we couldn’t just
cut them out of our lives and find some new friends.
In all likelihood, as far as we understand prehistoric social dynamics, members of a
tribe were condemned to each other, and without them, our lives were pretty much over.
And thus, their approval and validation were of vital importance.
But gone are those times!
In my opinion, one of the greatest commodities humanity has acquired is the ability of the
modern individual to be relatively independent.
We’re still interdependent on many levels, but as long as we abide by the law, the notion
of not being liked by the people in our environment has no direct influence on our survival.
So, being that weird, eccentric neighbor, nobody can figure out is perfectly fine.
Living and flourishing without friends is possible (something I’ve explored in a previous
video).
The requirement to please has been significantly diminished.
Of course, employees still need to please their bosses to get paid, students still need
to please their teachers for good grades, and spouses still need to please each other
to maintain a decent relationship.
But aside from these specific situations, what’s the point of seeking approval and
validation from others?
It’s not that human connection isn’t important.
People liking us allows the opportunity to connect with them.
But this constant pursuit of them liking and accepting us, sacrificing our lives for their
wellbeing… is the juice actually worth the squeeze?
An interesting development in Kafka’s story is how Gregor’s family treated him after
his metamorphosis.
Once the provider for his family, the tables turned, and he became the one needing provision.
So, one might expect that Gregor’s family would have been more than willing to care
for him after all these years of hard work.
Well, on the contrary.
They rejected him and even began to despise him, which shows the fragility of human relationships
and how the people you please aren’t always willing to return the favor.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with pleasing in itself.
Acts of kindness are a vital part of thriving human relationships.
Helping your fellow human beings serves like social cement.
Hence, we see in religious traditions that acts of kindness have been integrated into
their practices, such as the Islamic zakat, Christian charity, or the Buddhist dāna.
We can be kind and helpful toward others without being people pleasers.
As people pleasing is a preoccupation with making others happy, usually at the expense
of oneself and as a means of gaining approval and validation, kindness isn’t necessarily
so.
Kindness can be given without self-sacrifice, moreover, by taking oneself into account as
much as others and without expecting anything in return.
We can be kind while setting boundaries and considering our desires and needs.
Another thing we learn from Kafka’s story is that if we neglect ourselves, we eventually
lose the ability to look after others.
If you’re a people pleaser (or tend to put other people’s needs before your own), how
often do you ask yourself: “What about me?”
So, what about you?
What do you want?
I’ve been asking this question a lot lately: “What do I want?”
not just regarding the grander scheme of things, but particularly when it comes to little things.
In the past, especially when I was under the yoke of my father, I tended to sweep my own
needs under the carpet to accommodate someone else’s.
I had great difficulty in expressing my wants and needs.
Often, I wasn’t even aware of what I wanted, and I repeatedly engaged in activities that
I essentially didn’t want to engage in.
I ended up walking a path decided by my father, which didn’t fit who I was or what I wanted,
which is, of course, a recipe for disaster.
On a smaller scale, things like these happened a lot: I went to social gatherings I didn’t
want to be, associated with people I didn’t like, even befriended, and hung out with people
I didn’t want to be friends with.
Generally, people-pleasing is a terrible idea.
It’s not just a negation of one’s goals and pursuits and an obstruction to one’s
individual identity; it’s also a surefire way of becoming a pawn in someone else’s
game.
Therefore, I believe that in order not to become a people-pleaser, it’s important
to define one’s goals and pursuits, stand for something, and defend it.
If you don’t know what you want in life, others get to decide what you want.
You’ll be a plaything for everyone around you, a bug, alienated from himself, ready
to be squashed.
So, what do you want?
Do you consider yourself a people-pleaser?
Or have you been one in the past?
And if you have, how did you stop it?
Please let us know in the comment section.
Thank you for watching.