'Well, why are you standing out there? Come on in.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘What a pleasant surprise.’
We’re looking at Danger Death Ray, starring 6 time Tarzan actor Gordon Scott as Agent Bart Fargo.
‘I don’t know who you are honey but Bart Fargo owes you a favour.’
So, yes; this is another James Bond rip-off
and it opens with a team of NATO inspectors mistakenly following the same route plan as Sonny Corleone.
Bad guys take their place to steal a death ray, but...
how does one come to build death ray?
‘And so I felt that from an ethical point of view, it was my duty to use this knowledge not only for the treatment of disease, '
'but to develop a powerful weapon that might serve as a deterrent, for the preservation of world peace.'
And I imagine a death ray will serve as a deterrent to the preservation of world peace.
The bad guys don’t actually steal the ray they’re here for the scientist so he can build them another one.
and I spent the rest of the movie wondering why they didn’t just take the one that was right there.
This opening is terrible, firstly because we haven’t even met Fargo yet,
this is 20 minutes without a single engaging character narrating what we can clearly see,
‘They’re escaping in a helicopter.’
Secondly, because it seems to be played out in real time,
which can be tense, or…
Finally we meet Fargo and his politically incorrect boss,
‘You’re worse than an Arab.’
Ah, 1967.
‘Professor John Carmichael’s disappearance multiplies the risk of worldwide cataclysm.’
Fargo heads out, naturally bumping into a sexy lady on the plane.
‘Where are you bound for this time?’ ‘
'A short visit to the East. And you?’
‘To the West’
Well one of you is on the wrong plane.
‘That’s too bad,’
From here on the plot doesn’t matter, it’s aim is to do everything Bond does, slightly worse;
spectacular car crashes...
clever kiss off lines.
‘He was no lady.’
and picking up women.
'Well.'
‘Don’t tell me you’ve never been in an artist’s studio.’
Who show a remarkable lack of surprise about the man entering through their skylight.
And of course he can hold his own in a fight.
The double head bonk....
The Tango!
And don’t forget the dreaded back heel door kill.
Then there’s the bad guy.
‘We’ll go to the billiard room.’
I think I’ve got some lead pipe there.
He holds up his end too, playing cards.
‘Mr Charlton, it’s amazing, you have a beautiful wife and yet you win at cards.’
I don’t even know what that means. (Ed: It means lucky at cards unlucky at love)
Issuing cold-blooded threats.
‘Just keep your courage up, you’ll need it later Mr Smart guy.’
Ooh cutting.
And sending inconspicuous agents after Fargo.
Don’t you hate people who wear the mask around their chin, if you’ve got it, wear it. (Ed: Now don't get all uptight in the comments about the rights and wrongs of wearing a mask - it's a joke, just chill.)
Just not sure about this as a facial hair choice.
Well, in a way, that does surprise me because of all the disguises, why choose that?
Firstly it makes you stand out, secondly it doesn’t so much hide your features as frame them.
You are riding for a fall.
'Should have changed your voice too.'
Sometimes this seems like one of those films that exists to show that guns are no match for a man who can punch really hard,
or has a blow pipe,
especially if you hire henchmen who have no idea what a gun is for.
Then at the end...
‘Come on hurry. Surround the villa.’
But just on this one side.
Fargo takes on the entire bad guy operation single handed,
less like Bond and more like Schwarzzeneger’s Commando.
There’s not a lot else to say about Danger Death Ray,
partly because it’s an action movie with the pacing of a European arthouse film,
mostly because, it is what is, underlining what a fine line Bond actually walks,
‘Oh, I’ve already bored you with it.’
You sort of assume that it’s easy to make action exciting, but...
there is an art to it.
‘Is it bad?’
Yeah.
'We better hide these corpses.'
Thanks for watching. See all our Bond videos here.
Obviously we were doing this to coincide with No Time to Die – best laid plans.
What’s a good Bond title for the Corona Virus era. Suggestions in the comments below.