Some big tech news.
Mark Zuckerberg has just revealed that from now on,
people will have legs in the Metaverse.
Yeah, and I for one, am truly excited for what this means.
Because first you get legs, then you will get feet.
Pretty soon you'll be able to walk out of the Metaverse
and go literally anywhere else.
In climate news, New Zealand has just
announced a plan to fight methane emissions by taxing
cows for their burps.
And this is how much billionaires
are winning in the world.
Even cows are getting taxed before them.
And by the way, even if you support this general idea
to try and slow climate change, you have to admit,
if you were a cow, you'd be pretty pissed about this.
Oh, oh, hold on, hold on.
You steal my milk.
Make me spend my whole life on death row,
and now you two-nipple bitches are
going to tax me for burping!
Are you all driving electric cars?
No!
Are you all using solar panels now?
No!
You're still flying private jets, but I get taxed.
OK, well how about this?
[burping]
You bitches.
Take that, you bitches.
Those New Zealand cows are angry.
All right, in sports news, after it came out
that NBA star Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors
punched his teammate in the face during practice,
Green has announced that he will be taking some time off,
which is a great reminder for everyone.
Do not punch your coworkers unless you
want some extra vacation time.
All right, let's move on to some of the biggest
stories of the day, which for some reason,
all involve racism.
Yeah, I don't know if you guys have ever heard of racism,
but it's a pretty hot thing these days.
And by these days, I mean the last like 1,000 years.
Now for some reason, for some reason,
it seemed like everyone was extra racist this weekend.
I don't know, maybe because it was like a three-day weekend,
you know, people had a little more time to kick
back and work on their racism.
Whatever it was, it almost seemed
like people were competing to see
who could be the most racist.
So let's dive in to all the competition for a segment
we call "The Amazing Racism."
Our first story involving racism
hails from the great state of Alabama.
I know, I'm shocked, too.
But what makes this racism special
is that it's from a Senator, one of the 100
best people in America.
And he said it out loud on TV.
Senator Tommy Tuberville of Alabama
is facing a significant backlash
from major civil rights groups for comments
he made at a Trump rally over the weekend.
Senator Tuberville called out Democrats as being pro crime.
He also suggested that people who
want reparations for ancestral slavery
are to blame for the crime.
The Democratic party, they have a majority,
they could stop this crime today.
They want crime.
They want crime because they want
to take over what you got.
They want to control what you have.
They want reparation because they think the people that
do the crime are owed that.
Bullshit!
They are not owed that.
Whoo, yeah, you tell them, Tommy.
That thing you just made up right now about reparations.
It's bullshit!
We can't have that fake thing happening!
Whoo!
I've got to say, people, I've heard racists
say all kinds of things.
I've heard them say that Black people are criminals,
and I've heard them say that reparations
are reverse racism.
But it takes a true racism innovator to combine
both ideas at the same time.
Yeah, this is like the stuffed crust pizza of racism.
Because I knew you could have crust and I knew
that could have cheese, but I didn't know that you could put
the cheese inside the crust that's holding
the rest of the cheese.
Because now the crust is holding
the cheese at the same time.
That's genius!
Now, now, if you are confused, if you're
confused by what this man is saying, congratulations.
It means you're sane.
But his point is that Democrats want Black people to do crime
because that's basically reparations,
which the Democrats believe they deserve.
And there are just two things I can
think of off the top of my head, off the top of my head.
One, how does this argument explain
Black people who steal things from other Black people?
Because then, who's reparating who?
And secondly, how is this man going to stand on stage
and imply that all criminals are Black?
Huh?
That is disgusting.
Has the Senator never watched Netflix, huh?
I'm not going to stand here and let
Tommy Tuberville erase all these white
people's contributions!
This is the real racism, my friend.
Trying to make it seem like white people can't
beat crime, how dare you!
White people do crime just like anybody.
These guys going to make it seem like,
all my white friends in here, you can do the crime,
you hear me.
You don't listen to these people
saying you can't, you can't.
You do the crime.
Look, you know, while this is upsetting, you have to,
it's not exactly surprising.
I mean, he's an Alabama conservative
named Tommy Tuberville.
This is not, what would be surprising,
is if he got up on stage and he was like,
I'd like to open today with my favorite passage
from James Baldwin, y'all.
So that's our first story.
And I hope you're warmed up, because this next one
is a little more unexpected.
And it takes place in liberal LA.
In Los Angeles, the big political issue right now
is a blockbuster tape recording that could force three
city councilors to resign.
Nouri Martinez, a rising star in LA politics,
potentially faces a career in ruins.
The first Latina chosen to lead the Los Angeles City Council
caught on tape making racist and offensive comments
during a redistricting meeting with three Latino Democrats.
At one point, Martinez talks about the Black child
of Mike Bonin, a white council member,
in Spanish, calling the boy a little monkey.
And there's this white guy with the little Black kid
who's misbehaved.
The kid's bouncing off the effing walls on the float
practically tipping it over.
There's nothing you can do to control him.
Parece changuito.
They're raisin' him like he's a little white kid.
Which I was like, this kid needs a beatdown.
Like, you need, let me take him around the corner
and then I'll bring him back.
Whoa, boy!
Yeah!
A Latina Democrat called the Black son
of a white colleague a little monkey, who was
bouncing all around the walls.
I'm sorry, bouncing all around the effing walls.
Yeah, thank you for censoring yourself.
I appreciate it.
That was weird.
I mean, I'm not sure she censored
herself in the right place.
That was weird of her.
She be like, bouncing off the effing
walls like a little monkey.
You know, I think you would have censored the racism
and just say [bleep].
I think that would be better.
But to each their own.
I guess.
I'm just effing crazy that way, you know.
Also, like do you know how racist you have
to be to see a kid misbehaving and your first instinct
is to use a racial slur against him?
It's a little kid.
Right?
We all see kids of every race throw a tantrum or misbehave.
And I'm not trying to brag, but personally, I
hate all kids equally.
All right?
Yeah.
It's not, it's not the color of their skin
that makes them annoying, it's the content
of their shitty character.
What's especially wild about the story
as well, is that in the same conversation,
she basically implies that because the kid
is Black, not white, he should be beaten so that he behaves.
And I'm sorry, people, if you believe that Black kids
deserve to be beaten, you have no place
being on the LA City Council.
You clearly belong in the LAPD.
But before we run out of time, there is one story that
has the whole world talking.
I'm referring, of course, to Kanye West.
Rapper, entrepreneur, and the guy
who proved that not even Black people can make the MAGA
hat cool.
Kanye has been drifting more and more to the right
lately, from wearing a White Lives
Matter shirt to sitting down for an interview
with Tucker Carlson.
But over the weekend Kanye drifted
right off the deep end.
Ye, formerly known as Kanye West,
is now blocked from using Instagram
and Twitter because of racist and anti-Semitic
messages that he posted.
On Friday, Instagram was the first site
to lock his account after Kanye posted
text messages between himself and the rapper Sean
Diddy Combs.
In those messages, he accused Diddy of being controlled
by Jewish people after Diddy criticized
a shirt Kanye was photographed wearing that read,
White Lives Matter.
Then on Sunday, Kanye posted a series of tweets,
once again targeting Jewish people,
using the phrase Death con 3.
The rap star lashing out tweeting, "I'm a bit sleepy
tonight, but when I wake up, I am going
Death con 3 on Jewish people.
The funny thing is, I actually can't
be anti-Semitic because Black people are actually Jew.
Also, you guys have toyed with me
and tried to blackball anyone who ever opposes your agenda.
Oh, no, Kanye, you're going to do it again,
you're going to do it again.
I don't even know where to begin with this shit.
I mean, promoting anti anti-Semitism
to your 50 million followers.
I'm not even joking about it.
Threatening to go Death con 3 on Jewish people, which
by the way, I know this is not the point,
but that's not how you say it.
I know it's not the main issue here, I know that.
But it's Defcon 3, all right, not Death con 3.
Death con sounds like a trade show
where they unveil all the latest coffins or something.
This is like, our newest model comes with Bluetooth.
Now you can check on to make sure Nana's still dead.
Just use the app.
Defcon.
Not to mention the Defcon scale goes from 1 to 5.
So Defcon 3 is like in the middle?
If you're trying to tell people how hard you're going to go,
that's just a weird way to do it, you know.
I'm about to open up a can of whip ass,
but I'm going to put half of it in some Tupperware for later.
You been warned.
I don't want to use all my whip ass at the same time.
Also, it's funny that he starts his threat with,
I'm a bit sleepy tonight.
What is that?
Does anti-Semitism make you tired?
Is that why MAGA people love the MyPillow guy?
Is that what this is?
But I will say, man, I feel bad for American right-wingers,
because they're getting Kanye now.
I think if they missed College Dropout, My Beautiful Dark
Twisted Fantasy, Graduation.
They missed all of that.
They're getting this Kanye.
It's like getting to date the high school prom king,
but decades after high school.
Yeah, it's just like, you remember
Chad from high school?
Well, he's got uncontrollable flatulence now, yeah!
They might even tax him in New Zealand.
So those are the contenders in this week's "Amazing Racism."
You've got a Black guy hating on Jews,
a white guy hating on Black people,
and a Hispanic woman hating on a white guy for how
he raises his Black kid.
You've got like every combination of racism
in there.
And you could find that depressing, you could,
and I would understand why.
But I myself, choose to see this,
I choose to see all these things as the glass half full.
If everyone is being racist against everyone else, then
that means that no matter what color we are,
racism is at least one thing that we all have in common.
And what a beautiful thought that is.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a break, it's
time to check in on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronnie Chang, everybody.
[applause]
[cheering]
Ronnie Chang!
Good to see you again, my friend.
Hey, hey.
What is happening online?
Hey, Trevor, thanks a lot.
Before we begin, I just want to check.
Do you have any major announcements
you want to make first?
Any emotional or life-changing decisions
about your professional life that you might want to talk
about before I get started?
Actually, yes, there is one thing
that I've had on my mind.
Shut the [bleep] up, all right!
No announcements!
Let me get through this one segment
without becoming a surprise face
meme again with a stupid Curb Your Enthusiasm music.
Yeah, very original.
Idiots memes are the comedy of lesser minds.
Let's get to the social media trends or whatever.
This long weekend, it's fun times on the internet,
as usual.
Kanye West going off the rails, again.
His beard is clearly not helping.
He looks like Kimbo half a slice.
Just sending out this tweet.
As you've already examined, yes, a lot to unpack here.
First of all, any time you are writing something in lowercase
and then you put the race of a people
in all caps, that's not a good place to be.
Because even if you're saying something nice,
it's not going to read well.
You could be saying like, I want to wish a Happy Hanukkah
to the Jewish people.
It doesn't work.
And what's going on with this line?
Also Jew, actually Jew also.
I mean, it sounds like he let the iPhone predictive text
write a manifesto for him.
I do like this though, I do like the spaces in between.
I think every racist rant needs a few blank spaces
where we can project our own prejudices into.
And, and if.
[applause]
And if this wasn't chaotic enough, luckily for everyone,
the world's second weirdest person, Elon Musk,
came in to calm everyone down.
Replying with this tweet, "Talked to Ye today
and expressed my concerns about his recent tweet, which
I think he took to heart."
You know it's bad when Elon Musk thinks you're
being unreasonable on Twitter.
And I mean, is this how Elon is going to do content moderation
when he owns Twitter?
He's just going to have a heart to heart
with every single person who tweets something racist.
Because I don't know if you checked Twitter lately,
because I don't think you're going to have a lot of time
to go to Mars if you do that, OK?
You're going to be a little busy.
And what else is going on?
Oh, yeah, Zuckerberg, another billionaire maniac.
Yo, Mark, why are you obsessed with the Metaverse?
The Metaverse sucks!
You made billions of dollars in real life.
Now you're losing billions to create a fake life?
So what now?
There's legs in the Metaverse.
Oh, wow, we got legs in the Metaverse now, yeah!
You know what else?
There's legs right here.
We got legs here already, OK?
The guy who created an infinite universe
that could be anything, and you made legs, OK.
Not Jetpack legs, not teleporting legs, just legs.
Just legs.
What else are you going to invent in your magic world?
College debt?
Yo, even Kanye is looking at this, going like,
yo, what are you doing, man?
You're making our people look bad.
And who here wants to be in a Metaverse made by Facebook?
I've never been on Facebook and said, you know what?
I wish this was in three dimensions.
How can I physically interact with this post
from a 60-year-old woman who was annoyed that no one spoke
English at the drugstore?
What kind of dork with nothing but time on his hands
would even be excited about the Metaverse?
All right?
I mean, look at what people are tweeting about it.
Look at this.
Random idiots.
"Wow.
I just used VR for the first time.
Mind-blowing!
I can't imagine what it'll be like when it's basically real.
You can't imagine what it'll be like if it's real?
Why don't you take off the [bleep] headset.
Just look around.
It's happening right now.
Reality is right here.
Who is this dumb effing idiot?
Anyway, back to you, Trevor.
I think that tweet made some good points.
Ronny Chang, everybody.