If you've ever felt like you are
crazy for wanting to save your
marriage, or if you have ever
felt like you've been standing
for a really long time for your
marriage, and you just don't
believe anything is ever going
to turn around, then today's
episode is absolutely for you.
I'm joined today by Melody ASA
Guerra. She's our director of
coaching here at marriage
helper. But before that she was
a long term client of marriage
helper. And I don't know, there
might have been several times
you thought you were crazy for
how long you
did all the time. But that was
crazy. But
it turned out in an incredibly
positive way for you definitely
did. Yeah. And I know many of
our listeners or viewers have
probably seen you on either
YouTube videos, or if they're in
the membership or anything like
that. They've definitely seen
you. But many of them may not
know some more specifics about
you and your backstory and
things like that. So can you
give us just a bit of an
overview of what was going on in
your life. And in your marriage
when you first found marriage
helper?
Well, we were very busy. And
David had taken a job a
contract. And he was working
seven twelves always at work. Of
course, we had four kids at the
house. And I was working full
time I was also in school at
that time. And so we just had a
lot of hustle and bustle, which
then created this emotional
disconnect. Of course, I was
trying to change him to be who I
thought he should be, and, and
all that and come to find out he
didn't like that, you know, and
so the gulf between us grew. And
then he met someone else. And we
had a lot of back and forth, I
did all the wrong things like
everybody does push, try to
convince, plead cry, you know,
beg all the all the bad things.
And then one day, I was like,
this is bigger than my knowledge
of anything. So I typed in how
do I save my marriage? You know,
and number one thing popped up
was marriage helper. And then
that turned everything around,
not immediately, and not because
of the material. Because my
application of the material like
I was, I was okay at first. But
then as time went on, applying
what I had learned, you know, I
saw the interactions between me
and David Chang. Yeah.
How long have y'all been married
at the time that all of that
happened? Four and a half years?
Four and a half years? And did
you and you were a blended
family when you first got
married? But you had had a child
together as well? Yes. Do you
feel like any of that played
into your situation?
The blended family? Yeah, I do
think it did. Because, you know,
each of us had this idea of what
parents and you know, he's from
Honduras. And so it was much
more authoritative type
environment than mine was. And,
you know, he was like, Oh, get
the kids. And, you know, and I
was like, oh, let's just love
the kids, you know, so there was
a big difference. And so we had
the disconnect of how we thought
parenting should go, but also
the cultural differences. age
differences, you know, that all
played into kind of the
disconnect. The good thing is,
is that we overcame those those
problems, those issues in the
relationship, and now the family
is, is strong and whole, and all
that we're closer than we've
ever been before.
So I'm hearing that. Now, when
you when you when you found
marriage helper, and you said
that you started applying things
for you? Was that what you were
looking for? Like? Where were
you at first kind of looking
for? How do I get him to stop
being with his other person or
to stop his affair? How did your
mindset shift through your
stand? Okay.
So in the beginning it very it
was, he's the issue, because
he's in this relationship with
this other person. And so if I
can figure out how to convince
him to not be with her, then
everything will go back and be
it'd be great again. And as I
began to discover marriage
helper and the principles and
how you focus on you and all
that, you know, there is that
struggle between, yeah, but I
really think he's the problem.
You know, there was probably a
lot of judgment on my part,
based upon our faith and my
background and all that. But as
time went on, I began to see Oh,
yes, I have contributed to this
as well. You know, it isn't. And
when I went into it at first
Kimberley, it was, I was trying
to change because I wanted to
get him back. And that failed.
So even though I was applying
the right principles, my
motivation was wrong. It was
like, I'm doing whatever I can
to get him back. And so in the
times when he would temporarily
move back towards me, I would
mess it up, because I would get
frustrated if he didn't like
come all the way in and then I
would stop doing the right
things, which then just
recreated the thing where it
pushed him away from me. Yeah.
So I had to have that mindset
change of this is for me to be
the best version of me.
Hopefully the byproduct of that
is that he comes back But
ultimately, I have so much I
need to change about me. And
when I began, of course, it's an
evolution. It's not something
that happens just like you do,
you do well, and then you fall
off, and then you do well, and
then you fall off. But my whole
life began to change. I got
promotions at work, and people
were coming to me for, for
advice. And my relationship with
my kids became rich, like really
rich in in love and acceptance.
And people notice the changes in
me, David did too. But it was a
while before that influenced him
enough to want to come home.
Yeah.
How long? Was it that you would
say you stood for your marriage
before reconciliation happened?
Like
too much of six years? Wow.
Do you ever have clients that
just like, want some of that?
Motivation and dedication? Yeah.
Because I can imagine that a lot
of people don't want to hear
that. Yeah, they definitely not
the normal necessarily. It's
not. But I mean, there are those
long I think you and the
coaching team call it like the
long time standard. Yeah, yeah,
I would say the average time,
it's about two to three years
that people have to stand. But
and and there's a few of us on
the coaching team that it did go
longer. And I think that there
were variables that are not
necessarily in everybody's
story. And a lot of times people
will come to me and say, Oh,
well, you're this superhero. And
I'm like, I'm really not. It's,
it's the material, the only
thing that I did was make the
right choice to apply it. And
I'm not equipped with anything
that anyone else isn't equipped
with, you know, I think I had
made enough mistakes in my life.
And when I found marriage
helper, and began to begin to
apply those principles, it
really resonated with my
spiritual beliefs, you know,
that I think that was the thing
that got me engaged first, but
then when I saw my own emotional
growth and healing in in many
areas, because it allowed me to
heal from pain from sexual abuse
when I was a child. And, you
know, I'd already started work
on that from time to time, but
it was just like it expedited
that process, and created the
environment where I was feeling
whole and healed. And that was
long before David came back,
people think that it takes both
of the people to get on that
journey. And really, because if
one just chooses to get on the
journey, it can influence the
marriage in the long run. Now,
it took a very long time. Now,
I'm convinced that we needed
every second of that. I think
that if he would have come back
any point before that at some
point in time, because there
were, you know, the false starts
where he'd come closer and then
leave and come closer and leave.
But I think if he had ever
turned around truly and tried
it, I don't know that I would
have been in the right place to
to follow through. And it it
turned out well. So although it
was hard, and right out of the
event, I would have said, Oh, I
don't want to do this again. But
now looking back. I'm like, wow,
I think I think I would if it
meant we get what we got today
what we have now. I think I
would do it again. You know, now
that I want to
not sign up for that
necessarily. What was the
hardest part of standing for
your marriage?
I would say the waiting. The
Waiting is hard. Because people
don't understand that it's
small. It's the small changes in
the interactions, you know, and
knowing. And there's variables
that you can't control. You
know, his how he felt about the
other people, or any childhood
pain that he was experiencing.
If he wasn't willing to heal
that, you know, I could have
healed everything. And he just
still not be in the right place.
But I would definitely say the
waiting. I mean, it's hard
because you see little bitty
glimpses. But there's so few and
far between. Yeah. But you can
find hope. And I always tell my
clients count those things as
small wins. Don't let those
things go when you see positive
movement. But don't think oh,
we're out of the woods now
because that's not necessarily
true, either.
How did you handle the separate?
Or were y'all separated? Yes, we
were for over five years for
over five years. And how did you
handle that with the kids?
It was? Well, initially he was
in limerence. At first so I
would say he was an absent
parent. I would never call him
we've talked about this several
times. He asked me Do you think
I was a bad dad? And I said I
don't think you were a bad dad.
But you were definitely absent
in the first year ish in and
out. He did see the kids but not
often. But, you know, parent,
like when you're feeling hurt, a
lot of times parents will dog
their spouse to their kids. And
I knew enough not not to do
that. And so if they asked me a
question I tried to be as
graceful as I possibly could and
say Dad's going through
something. And sometimes when we
go through things, we don't
necessarily make the best
decisions. And so it wasn't
like, Oh, he's terrible. He's
this bleep bleep bleep. I didn't
do all of that. So I feel like
that was good. But after a
while, David began to really
miss the kids and wanted to, to
get back involved. And so we
actually would do things as a
family together, even vacations.
And people would say, That's
just crazy that you're not
together, and y'all go on
vacation, all that. And
sometimes it was emotionally
hard for me to do that. But
really, it was the best thing
for the kids, you know. And I
thought, Well, if he can't be
here with me and us having those
experiences, I want to do the
best that I can to still have
those experiences, because they
need both of us right in their
life. So yeah, we did pretty
pretty well, co parenting.
Did the kids ever have, you
know, were they ever sad or had
hard conversations with you
about how they felt during that
time? Yes. All
of them in in different ways. I
think the older two were hurting
because I was hurting so badly,
you know, and I wish I would
have done a better job in the
beginning not to show them that.
I mean, they need to know that
you hurt and you recover, right.
But I feel like I was just I had
not found marriage helper yet.
And so they saw a lot of me
spiraling, you know, and I felt
like that that probably wasn't
good for them. Because they
immediately associated that with
him. And not necessarily the
fact that I hadn't done work on
myself, right. And so I wish I
would have done that better. But
as time went on, I felt like I
showed up as as a better mom.
And it kind of helped with that.
Now, the third one just got
really quiet. But the baby got
very insecure. And she was not
by nature. Insecure kid, she was
one of those kids that I needed
a leash, you know, come here,
come here, you know, but but she
got really insecure. But the
good thing is that even that
has, has recovered. You know,
she she did some therapy, he's
done some therapy with her. And
that relationship has began to
prepare now, she still comes to
me first, but I think that's
more just because I'm the mom.
But she loves her daddy, deeply.
Yeah.
What would you say to the person
listening who is in that
situation where either they've,
they've just found out and
they're spiraling, or they're
the ones saying, I have been
dealing with this for years, and
I feel like I just want to give
up.
I would say that's normal. It's
normal to feel like you want to
give up, especially in the world
today is like, you know, they're
doing you wrong Bell, you know,
but I would remind them is what
does your belief system say?
Because if you, if your behavior
aligns with your belief system,
you can lay your head on the
pillow at night, and although
you experienced the loss, at
least, you know, you did the
right thing. And that and that
was my thing, I got to the place
where I was like, you know, a
mad at him, or I'm not attracted
to him anymore. I'm disappointed
in the things that he's doing.
But his behavior does not give
me a license to betray or to
abandon my own belief system,
you know. And so I had to make
sure that I stayed aligned. Now,
it did get to the place where I
felt I had done all I could do,
you know, and I was ready to, to
move forward. But it wasn't
because I was going to anyone
else or anything else. I was
just like, you know, I've put my
life in a way on pause. I did
continue to move forward. But on
the way on pause now I'm ready.
And then not long after that he
he turned around, so yeah, and
it was one of those situations
where it's like, if you had
given up, then you would never
have known it was right around
the corner. And then for the
person who's spiraling right
now, they're just at the
beginning of it doesn't know
what to do, what would you say?
I would say, Okay, calm down.
That would be the first thing.
This situation didn't get here
overnight. It's not going to get
out of it overnight. And
immediately I go into when you
asked me that question, I want
to go into coach mode, right?
And so, work on your pies,
definitely Calm down, get
control, stop pushing all of
those things. But I just want to
say, it's gonna be okay. I can't
guarantee marriage helper can't
guarantee that your relationship
is going to turn around. But if
you take the steps, that we
teach the principles that we
teach, and you apply them to
your life, your life will get
better regardless of what
happens with your marriage. Now,
ideally, our organization
believes in marriage loves
marriage and wants to help you,
right? But there are things that
we can't control, neither can
you, right. But if you begin to
apply those things, you become
victorious. Even in the midst of
all the chaos and the pain and
all that. But it's up to you,
the choice is definitely up to
you, where
of what to do and where to
start. Absolutely. Melody, love
your story love, just the the
hope that people can see in it
and the turnaround that's
happened, and the reconciliation
between y'all thank you for
coming and sharing that with the
audience. And for any of you who
are listening and you are
thinking man, I really am not
calm right now, then I would
encourage you to look at joining
our save by marriage membership.
And there's a special offer for
our podcast listeners. That is
25% off the first month of that.
So you can do that by going to
marriage helper.com/podcast. And
in there in the membership, you
will get toolkits for how to
calm down how to work on
yourself physically,
intellectually, emotionally, and
spiritually. Melody's team of
the coaches, they do weekly
group support calls multiple a
week where you can join and
actually start hearing from a
coach answering other people's
questions throughout that time
of how to implement some of
these things. It's definitely an
amazing resource that our team
has created for you. And we'd
love for you to be a part I hope
to see you inside of the
membership. And as always, until
next week, remember there is
always hope