- Hey guys!
Welcome to "Nuke with Me,"
the cooking show where gourmet foods
are prepared in the microwave.
I'm your host, Marlon Webb.
Today, we have a special vegan episode
where we're making black bean burgers
with sweet potato chips.
Make sure you follow along,
'cause they're real recipes and we're here to learn.
But because our show's doing so well, we get letters;
let's read them.
Whoa.
Our first letter we have is from the Pope!
"I watch your show low-key in the basement of the Vatican.
There is some crazy stuff down here, to be honest."
All right, let's get into this (beep).
- We have a special guest joining us today.
I know her from my group of friends in Utah.
- Your cult, you mean?
- Please welcome, Krystal!
- I'm excited to repair your minds and bodies.
- Hi.
- Yeah, Krystal.
How do ya like that?
- Thanks for the forewarning, David.
- Go on and get in there.
- What is so good about being vegan anyway?
- And action!
- It's gonna be a good show.
- Let's start cooking!
- I'm gonna start us off.
In a large microwave-safe bowl,
add the corn, chopped onions,
and chopped red peppers.
- It's a medium-sized bowl, but you know,
just slightly above average.
- Looks good to me.
- Ohh!
- Why are you listening to her?
Real men eat meat.
- Cover and put in the microwave
for two minutes at 100% power.
- Why the (beep) do we have to make this (beep) bull(beep)?
- Chill. Let's just see where this is going?
- Seriously, what's so cool of being a vegan anyway?
You're not better than us!
Whoa!
- I didn't wanna have to do that.
- OK, I'm gonna take it from here.
Thank you for getting it started.
All right, I'm gonna get it out of the microwave now.
We are going to coarsely mash
a half a cup of black beans.
I'm gonna mash 'em up.
- You're so strong.
- Strong enough to mash some beans.
OK, that's mashed.
In a separate bowl,
we're going to combine corn starch and some water
and we're gonna mix that up nice and smooth.
We're going to stir in our mashed beans.
There, nice.
We're gonna add our potato flakes in the bowl,
our oats, our flour, chickpea brine,
and just a pinch of salt.
Just a little bit.
Mix this up like this, all right.
Nice and mixed.
- Hmm, well said.
Like the Taurus that you are.
I can tell that you're super present.
- Yeah, I'm right here.
- Oh my God!
- All right, now we're gonna mix in these veggies like so.
- "The cult isn't complete without our Cauliflower King."
- I can hear her but her mouth isn't moving.
Am I (beep) high?
- "I can't tell if she's hitting on me,
or just messing with me, I can't tell."
- "Sisters, guide me in the search for our chosen one."
- All right, we're gonna mix up these veggies.
All right. Cool.
Now we're going to shape into patties.
A patty like that.
About three scoops is good.
There's one.
Now, we are going to heat a browning skillet
in the microwave for two minutes at 100% power.
- "Thank you for your guidance."
"I have narrowed my search."
I knew you were gonna do that.
- Yeah, I said I was going to.
- What do you know about the cult orgy that might happen?
- Oh, let me get my Tarot cards.
- Oh.
- I hope you got 'em.
- We could probably put those away,
you know what I'm saying?
- I don't know about that.
- We don't need to talk to the Devil.
We don't need to do that.
Hot pan.
We're gonna put the patties-
- Ooh!
On the pan.
So we wanna put that in the microwave
for four minutes at 100% power.
OK.
- It's like we're making patty babies
and the microwave is the tummy.
- Whoa!
- What are you doing?
- I know what you're thinking.
- Maybe you should just float again.
- Be a man!
- OK, we're having a good time.
- Stop being a bitch!
What are you doing?
- Oh, yeah!
- All right. I'm gonna take 'em out,
flip them over.
- She's gonna burn the place. Oh my God!
- Like that.
And we're gonna put them back in the microwave
for another four minutes at 100% power.
- Just keep going.
- Are you from the nudist colony of Nazareth?
- I apologize about that.
OK, moving on to the sweet potato chips.
Today we're gonna use a white sweet potato.
The other sweet potatoes
are off making progress and setting trends,
while the white sweet potatoes are ignoring the issues
and just here on the show today.
We're gonna start off
by trimming the ends of the sweet potato.
Now, we're going to peel the sweet potato.
- "I know this is hard for you, Todd."
- What?
- "Yes, vegans can do this."
"And trying new things can be difficult,
especially if everything you've tried ended in failure:
playing football, finishing school, love."
"But it's not too late for you."
"You are strong, Todd."
"Stronger than the others!"
- Nice, privileged sweet potato.
- "You've remained unfazed
by the power of the Soil Sisterhood."
"I could use a strong man like you."
"The Soil Sisters need men,
strong men to carry on their agenda."
- We're going to soak them in ice cold water
to remove the starch.
- "I'm not asking you to join, Todd."
"I'm asking you to give me a baby."
- What?
- Once you let them soak in the water,
you can put on some paper towel,
and let 'em drain and you can let 'em also pat dry.
- "You are him, the chosen one!"
- A little bit of olive oil.
Add just a pinch of salt.
I'm just gonna mix 'em up, just like that.
- "Put a baby in me, Todd,
and I'll be on my way."
- Hell yeah!
- Put them nice and evenly spaced out
on the browning skillet.
We're going to put this in the microwave
for five minutes at 100% power.
- I'm having a baby with Todd!
- Whoa!
- What the (beep)?
- Take notes from this one.
He does not easily get seduced by the pleasures of man.
He's the chosen one.
We call him, the Cauliflower King.
- What in the Mid-(beep)-sommar?
- No he's not.
- He's just stupid, like, clinically.
I'm not even playing, he's on some Forrest Gump (beep).
- Stop cockblocking me.
- The kid version, like the dumber of the two,
so don't waste your time.
- Now I'm gonna add a little bit of salsa to the top.
I'm gonna add some lettuce to the top.
Chicks like that, there ya go.
- Wow!
- I made a vegan black bean burger.
It's done!
Thank you for coming today.
Appreciate you.
- Krystal, this is your moment.
Why don't ya help him out.
- "Soil Sisters, I call upon our ancient ancestors
to deliver me the child of our chosen one."
"Accept these slaughtered beans as a sacrifice."
"Let their tortured souls
extract the Cauliflower King's seed,
and may it implant into me."
It is time for me to return to the soil.
- What the, whoa!
- White girls, am I right?
Vegans are fun, huh?
- That's your friend.
- Say something about vegan food.
- Mm!
- There it is!
- That's good!
That's really good.
- What happened to us making a baby?