- Courtney Cox says Timothee Chalamet,
do you know, sham a lamb a ding dong, that kid?
- [Woman] Chalamet.
(audience laughs)
- She says he should play Joey in reboot of Friends.
I'm looking forward to checking out
The One Where Joey Steals All of Rachel's Eyeliner.
(audience laughs)
- Yup.
- I'm trying to be light-skinned Chandler.
(audience laughs)
- Meghan Markle's Rachel.
(audience laughs)
- Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz
married his long-time sweetheart, that's nice.
The only thing he said they want on their wedding registry
was chafing dishes, and my childhood back, so.
(audience laughs)
I'm just gonna get him a fork, or something.
That's like Dickie Roberts.
(audience applauds)
It all goes back to one of my movies.
In China, an army of 100,000 ducks were recruited
to fight a swarm of locusts.
The president of China was like, hey ducks,
you can play ball.
We can either cook you and hang you from a window,
or we do this.
You decide.
You've got one minute.
(audience laughs)
They were like, where do we go, what do we do?
(audience laughs)
What are locusts?
(audience applauds)
Finally, Buffalo Wild Wings paid Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
to change their name to Boneless Thugs-N-Harmony.
(audience laughs)
Of course, they did it.
In a related story, check out McDonald's new rap group,
Nuggets with Attitude.
(audience laughs)
Netflix has announced they're holding
a comedy festival in Los Angeles.
Unclear if they'll have kitchens
so people can listen to some of the jokes
while they make dinner in a different room.
(audience laughs)
Or do their taxes.
So that hasn't been ironed out yet,
but we're gonna figure it out.
- Yeah, that's good, I like that.
(audience laughs)
- Doctors published a new recommendation
that all adults, ages 18 yo 79
should be screened for Hepatitis C,
but the screening becomes mandatory
if you ever get raw dogged by a tattoo artist.
(audience laughs)
A man-toy.
'Cause they're a little sketchy.
- [Man] Yeah, yeah, they are.
- My guy is really.
- [Man] Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of the show, Chuck Liddell,
says he's officially retired from MMA fights.
He says he's excited to spend quality time
terrifying his family.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, he's a nice guy, though.
(audience applauds)
Coronavirus preppers have been clearing out stores
of masks and hand sanitizer, leaving nothing
for the people who date Post Malone.
(audience laughs)
I like talent.
- It's, yeah, talk about getting raw dogged
by Post Malone.
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Tests for him, test for everything.
(audience laughs)
- Give me the whole thing.
Rap group Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav this week.
His accountant said, "See, this is why I told you"
"to Savor Save your money."
(audience laughs)
I wouldn't like it if my accountant
was doing jokes with it.
- No, no.
I thought you were gonna say all clocks were at half-mast.
- Ahh, that's not bad.
(audience laughs)
Easy with the better jokes.
(audience laughs)
And finally, Woody Allen's memoir
is set to come out in April.
It's called Eight Simple Rules
for Nailing Your Teenage Daughter.
(audience laughs)
Okay, so a new study ranked the best and worst states
to be a woman.
The best state was Massachusetts, while the worst state
was sleepy at Bill Cosby's house.
(audience laughs)
Throwback Thursday.
(audience laughs)
You remember that story.
Italy is planning to close college campuses
as a precaution against coronavirus.
This includes the most famous Italian college.
What's the matter, you?
(audience laughs)
What's the matter university.
(audience applauds)
Briefcase down.
(audience laughs)
Briefcase back for rest of monologue.
A new Aston Martin will cost 950-grand,
and has no roof, and no windshield.
Some in the car industry are already saying
this will revolutionize the way people die in cars.
(audience laughs)
They said, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
A new study says that mothers can tell
how well their children are developing
by smelling them.
Here's how it works.
If you smell your 15-year-old, and he smells like
he pooped his pants, then you've got a lemon.
(audience laughs)
He's not doing great.
And finally, William Shatner's divorce settlement
stipulated that he gets to keep all of his horse semen.
(audience gasps)
I get it.
When I'm heartbroken, I do a lot of stress eating, too.
(audience laughs)
Today is National Name Tag Day,
a holiday Angelina Jolie makes her 80 children
celebrate every day.
(audience laughs)
Which one are you again?
Zeppo, don't tell me.
(audience laughs)
Way off.
Thanks to coronavirus, Australia is facing
a toilet paper shortage.
I think they took it literally when we said,
"We need to wipe out this virus."
(audience laughs)
That's not what we meant, we didn't.
They thought it.
(audience laughs)
Kanye West's daughter, North, rapped
for the first time ever at this week's Kanye Fashion Show.
They knew she would be a rapper
because she's the only kid in the world
who actually likes taking cough syrup.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh.
- Oh.
- I used to hate it.
I like it now.
A NASA exec shot and killed his neighbor
after a year-long fight over dog poop
left in his yard.
He said it's one small step for man,
and one giant hole in his neighbor's head.
(audience laughs)
That's what he said.
I'm just a reporter.
(audience applauds)
A woman faked muscular dystrophy
and being confined to a wheelchair to attend
a disabled camp.
Even worse, this was all so she could walk
at the big camp talent show.
(audience laughs)
I've heard the big camp talent show is fun,
but that's not, you shouldn't be doing that.
(audience applauds)
And finally, parents in England let their
11-year-old son drive a car just so he'd stop
playing Grand Theft Auto.
(audience laughs)
If you think that's bad, wait until you hear
what the mom did to get him off Pornhub,
you don't wanna know.
(audience laughs)