- Okay everybody.
Welcome to Lights Out, in the Bunker
with good lighting
and we've got the Sklar Brothers
Randy and Jason.
And we're all excited - Yeah.
to have a blurry background today and talk.
(rock music)
First of all guys, you coping okay before we get into it?
- Yeah, we stopped living together a long time ago.
So that feels great.
We socially distanced about 20 years.
- You were ahead of the curve on that.
- We had bunk beds.
We had bunk water beds for a long time
that we had (mumbles) - [Randy] Yup.
- Dude, I had a water bed 'cause I'm old
and he had to bring a hose through the whole house
It was a bit of a predicament.
- [Randy] It is.
- To say the least
- I had to use Dramamine anytime I wanted to sleep
in a water bed.
Is that weird?
- Oh, yeah, I don't get it.
But you know what,
we did have a shark hose, we had to get rid of it.
- That makes sense.
And you feel guilty with a waterbed during a drought,
you always feel a little guilty.
- And everyone can come over
in the neighborhood and take sips
out of your bed. - [Randy] Yeah.
(all laughing)
- You know, you guys both lean back that was good.
(laughing)
But you know what, there's a lot going on in the world.
The Lights Out medical correspondent,
Cardi B, gave an impassioned speech today.
Yeah, we'll watch the clip.
Everybody look a different way.
- Hey guys, if you're under 30
and they told them, "If your cold is not for eight days,
"You cannot get tested."
If you're like, in your 40s, 50s, 60s,
they going to test you right away.
However, your test results will come in four days.
If you are positive with the coronavirus,
they will tell you to quarantine in your home
and I do not I feel like that's right
because not everybody has the luxury
to go in a big ass house
and just stay away from people.
People live in small ass apartments.
Bye.
- That's Cardi B of the CDC.
So... - Yeah.
What I feel as though,
I'm, I sort of disagree with her
and I know everyone's gonna freak out.
- [Randy & Jason] Yeah.
Because she's saying,
well, I'm paraphrasing.
- [Randy & Jason] Yeah.
- But she said something about the mass.
I just don't feel like we're hoarding the tests like,
- Yeah.
- I do feel like, if you,
we should give it to the sickest people
not the richest reports but...
- Yes.
- If you just think you might have it
or just because you live on the planet, you might have it.
I don't think you should be in line taking tests
'cause, we don't have unlimited amount of tests, I think.
- Yeah, I just love that she's wearing a mask in her house.
Where do you live?
The United Terminal at LaGuardia Airport?
(all laughing)
- (mumbles) from the Trolley at the Grove?
- Yeah, (mumbles) this.
- Are you living on a Star Tours bus?
- [Randy] She does.
- You can't get it from your phone.
- No (chuckles).
- You can't get it from your phone or your computer.
I think they should call her Cardi B Careful.
'cause she's being (laughs)
very prudent at this point.
- I think she made a very salient point
when she said a lot of people will be living
in small ass apartments and, - True.
I think she was making a very cogent argument
about social distancing
and my only comment to her (laughs)
would be preach girl, preach.
- How did you get such dictionary mouth?
- I don't know.
- He's looking off at the source,
he's looking off at the source website.
Look is it wrong for me to want Nicki Minaj
to come trash this video?
Is that wrong?
(laughing)
- No it's not, its...
- Or to have Quest Love put some beats under it
and I'm ready. - Yes.
- Oh yeah, I was waiting for what she said
where they can lay down some tracks.
- Yeah.
- (murmurs) on my new album.
- Yeah, why not?
- I dropped a turd this morning
and then the album's gotta be soon.
- Yeah. - Yes.
- I'm excited.
This whole rant felt like your,
your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving,
you know, you just hope he gets through it
without throwing up
or also taking a shot at Nicki Minaj.
(chuckling)
- Is that (murmurs)
oh, because yeah.
Okay.
I think she okay
because her nails are keeping her six feet away from people.
I mean are those plastic straws on the end?
Those nails, I always wonder what girls can do.
And they're coming at you like they're gonna castrate you.
It always just makes me nervous.
I don't know that many girls that have, you know,
12 inch Nails.
- I mean, the coolest part about that that speech
is that it was all written.
She read it verbatim.
- Did she, or was it improv? - [Jason] Yeah.
Pauses and all, she does,
she's an amazing actress.
- She just reminds me of someone that just got like,
asked to leave from Starbucks.
(all laughing)
- This is her video in her car.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so, we'll move on because,
but I can talk to you.
I can talk to you guys forever.
(mumbles) like you can?
- The best part about her
is that she would leave that Starbucks
with the bathroom key.
(all laughing)
- Yeah, bring that big black ol' butt.
(laughs)
Cardi,
- Cardi, is Cardi here?
(laughing)
- Cardio.
(laughs)
The biggest story today
is Prince Charles tested positive for my Corona.
But the bigger story is...
(laughing)
Real royal news, which we can talk about both,
the Simpsons want Prince Harry - Sure.
and Megan to play themselves.
That's a good trick, to have them play themselves
and Megan said yes already
before they finished the sentence.
- Yeah. (chuckling)
- Yeah - They were looking for,
I think Harry got an offer
and they were looking for a Meghan Markle type.
(laughing)
She's gotta come in and read for it
but she was very excited about the audition
- It's not a slam dunk.
Like when they ask, Arod to do something, "Bring Jlo."
(laughing)
- You can.
- Or if she wants to do anything in this movie.
- The crazy thing is,
I feel like this is what they're now gonna become,
just voiceover actors.
You're gonna see them at an audition
and "Harry, how you doing?"
He's like, "Well I got a callback for a Lysol commercial"
Great that's (mumbles) - Great.
- I think John Farley got that one.
(laughs)
Oh yeah, I didn't see, is it airing?
- Yeah, call back. - (laughs) It's airing,
whatsup?
- My last call back was 8 months ago and I self-taped.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- Is it out?
Is it out yet?
I can't tell.
- I feel like...
- Weren't they already on a TV show?
Didn't they have their own show, "Royal Pains?"
- Yeap. (laughing)
- I just like that one.
- I think the Royals need the Simpsons
more than the Simpsons need the Royals at this point, right?
- Yes.
- They need to be on the show
- That has quickly turned.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yes, that has quickly become (mumbles).
I'm not in, are we,
do we care about the Royals right now David?
Right now in this moment,
I care more about the Kansas City Royals
than I do these Royals. - Yeah.
- I think they're getting more chatter online.
She's obviously tryna beef her resume up.
I would too.
I mean, I did "Hotel Transylvania."
It looks good on the resume, I put it right on top.
- My kids love you in it. (laughs)
My kids love you in it, you are hilarious.
- Oh good.
Did they watch they that?
They watch "Emperor's New Groove", that's an old one.
- They love it all.
- Guess what Kuzco says, "No touchy."
Ahead of time. (laughing)
- There we go. - Love it, love it.
We know this is just in the Prince Andrew's offer
to eat part shorts.
- Oh. (all laughing)
- That should do better than that.
(all laughing)
- That was great... - I'll give you your credit.
- Oh either way, if we were doing this show
I'd have to stop and go to a commercial.
- I'm just coughing through a virus, I'm okay.
- Yeah, I don't know if I love the coughs.
- Okay. (chuckling)
- The Simpsons always use a bunch of people.
I've never been asked but,
did they ask Greta Thunberg lately?
- Oh yeah, and she said no
because she had Coronavirus,
which, you know,
is that her way of saying she's a Family Guy person?
(all laughing) - She has a (mumbles)
- She said she'd had Coronavirus?
That's the worst excuse if you don't.
- That's the new, "He's just not that into you."
(laughing)
- That's right.
- [Jason] He's got Corona. - By the way...
- Yeah, right, you can all tell your friends
think how gross you are.
Like "Hey, you wanna come by?"
And they're like, "Yeah..."
and you're like, "Brad Pitt's here."
"Okay."
(laughing)
He's germless?
- Yeah, yeah,
- There's definitely people I think are germ less
and I would go hang out.
- Greta Thunberg has a better excuse.
She could literally just say,
"I'm trying to single handedly save the planet
"While I go through puberty.
"No, I can't go to your Simpsons table read."
(laughing)
- Who would you rather see?
Megan on there or Apu?
(laughing)
- As long...
(laughing)
As long as Hank Azaria voices both.
- [Jason] Yeah.
- If Hank Azaria does Meghan that would be funny.
- The marvelous Mrs. Markle.
I would watch that.
I would watch that. - Yeah.
- She starts doing stand up.
- She could do stand up.
God, we're giving all our best ideas away.
- What are we doing? - What are we doing?
- What are we doing.
- You know, family guy makes fun of me sometimes
and I don't know if I like it.
I give all these shows,
'cause we make fun of people.
- Sure.
- You get one freebie.
- Yeah.
- This is the Cosby one guys, you know why cosby?
- Yes.
- I'm over here like on Andy Rooney's desk.
Bill Cosby's lawyers offered to file a motion
to get him released from prison.
'cause of Ona. - [Randy] Yeah.
You know, and he just got over the Me Too flu.
I mean, isn't prison... (laughs)
A quarantine enough for this guy?
People in prison are like, "Oh, I'm sick can I..."
I don't feel good - Yeah.
- Maybe I should take off - Yeah.
'cause I don't wanna get (mumbles).
You're in prison nobody cares.
You're quarantined in prison.
- That's right.
- If you have corona in prison
that's the best thing you can get
(laughing)
- In prison. - That's true.
- Yeah, no, this reminds me of that one episode
of The Cosby Show,
where Dr. Huxtable was stuck in the house
and he didn't know how to make the grilled cheese
for the kids
and then he drugged those ladies and...
(laughing)
- In fairness, it was to kill time he said.
- It was to kill time, it was to kill time.
Like to me they should just tell Cosby,
"Hey man you're going home,"
Then slip a little something into his drink
and then he wakes up in jail again.
That feels... (laughing)
- (mumbles) And then they go
And he goes.
- I got you.
I say roll credits.
I say "Put him in a cell with Harvey Weinstein
"And have the two of them bang out a script
"For Leonard Part Seven."
- Yes.
- Bang it out, guys.
- Bang-it-out.
- What do the guards mean by banging out
and one guy's like "No..."
And he's like, "I don't, I misunderstood."
If he drops the soap you know, in there,
they just, they say you can pick it up.
You know, your not supposed to touch soap
you're not supposed to do any of that.
- No, you're not supposed to do any of that.
They should sentence Cosby
to wear all of his old sweaters again forever.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- He's so bad, he's ruined colorful sweaters.
- Yeah, I was like oh, that's a rape sweater.
- Yeah.
- He's so bad, he's ruined Yakov Smirnoff sweaters.
- He got pulled into it with him.
- Pulled in and pulled down.
- The J Crew is like,
"Have you seen our new druggie line of sweaters?
"Got the big color, the bold choices."
He's not released in a week.
His lawyer says he's gonna claim to be a Ghost Dad.
(laughing)
That's an old Kasi movie.
A lot of our crowd is seven.
He is a doctor though.
- He is.
- He is a doctor.
- I should have brought this up earlier.
I am a doctor.
- Yeah.
- And maybe I should just,
(whistling)
- By the way, you know where we're at with this pandemic,
by the way people are care about Cosby.
The second people are like, "Who cares about Cosby?
"Let him go."
Then you know we're over.
It's done. - Yeah, everyone's like,
"We don't want it crowded in there..."
I don't even know what there.
Listen, if they all have it, I don't know.
As I'm just being a Peter Pandemic over here.
(laughing)
We gon' wait forever.
Before we go, do you guys miss it?
I miss stand up, I haven't done any stand up.
Are you missing perfoming live?
- I mean, here's what I miss,
a 40% of our income.
(laughing)
- Only 40, Jesus. - Yeah, oh Jesus.
- No, no I miss hanging with comics.
I missed that moment of like hanging with comics backstage.
That to me is a huge part of it.
- Well, you guys have big weekend road gigs
and we were talking about last time on the show
and it's, when those topple one by one,
it is brutal.
- We'll be back in the Fall, we'll be back.
- Yeah, we'll be back, we'll all be back
and I'll be back with twice as many jokes.
- Thank you for doing the show.
Through this time,
I've been watching every day and loving it.
So keep doing it.
- No I like doing it.
And it's a little weird without a crowd but still,
I think it's just funny this bullshitting.
- It's the best. - Yes man, thank you.
- I gotta wrap it up.
I gotta spray the computer with Lysol.
- [ Randy & Jason] Do it.
- Okay, you guys do it to.
Okay, bye.
- Bye.
(rock music)