hello hello welcome to episode eight i'm pretty sure
i thought we would have been making better progress by now
i don't know how but i'm up 0.4 from yesterday so i weighed in today at 486.2 today is actually a
friday and i am very tempted i'm flirting with the idea of ordering seafood boil there have
been times where i would get seafood boil and i would just like eat that throughout the day and
i wouldn't eat anything else but then there have been times also where i get the seafood boil and
then i waste half of it and then i get something else like a different take out so if i do get
that i'll definitely show you guys if i don't then i'll show you what i decided to eat look
she's always so obsessed i just don't understand why you obsess with me oi
i just i don't understand how like someone my weight like everything i ate yesterday
it just wasn't a lot of food it just wasn't for someone my size i should have been down
weight weighing myself daily i think is really messing with my mind frame
so it's something i need to ask myself like should i just start doing it every other day
because we're trying to reach that 100 pounds down and i know me talking about this while also in the
same breath saying how i want seafood boil is just silly anyways rarity is touching me with her paw
so i'm gonna give her lemons okay i don't think i'm getting seafood boil i'm not sure what i'm
gonna eat but i haven't ate yet i'm actually about to clean my bathroom sink i do like being
organized but sometimes i am messily organized my girlfriend and i we have our own bathrooms
but my sink though so i figured let's clean it together what do you guys say i know you guys like
a cleaning segment who doesn't let's just uh put all this stuff that's over there over here as well
so you guys can see everything what a mess it's crazy so these because we just cleaned our showers
so these are just like my shampoo and conditioners i also keep my toothbrush
and my toothpaste in my shower room sprays i keep a few in here i don't know why i have four i got
some new hair clips because i want to try this like certain hairstyle but i also have small
hair ties for when i do a side braid this is huge oh i dropped it in the sink this huge scrunchie so
i'm just gonna put them in here the new socks i got recently those go in my closet purse
goes in my closet it is a steve madden isn't it so cute uh washcloth dirty clothes earrings these are
my newest pair of earrings i don't buy earrings as much as i used to they look like this up here
is where i keep my perfumes we have kardashian perfumes uh these are also kardashian perfume
billy eilish moment we have a britney spears moment we have a gucci moment gucci gang gucci
we also have some bath and body works body sprays
i keep my up there we have a random eyelash makeup wipes go in here feminine spray
some ariana grande which i'm running low on that one i'm also pretty much done with uh this
this is another kardashian we have bobby pins that i just put in here this is from when i
was cleaning or when we clean the showers um so that has to go back in there it's just like this
shea sugar scrub which obsessed with that stuff especially when you use an exfoliating glove so
this is another kardashian perfume i actually want to put this one in my purse these are just strings
off of a dress it was like a dress that had like crisscross applesauce and i cut them off because
i did not like it band-aids i have scissors which go on my desk makeup wipes torrid trash
another hair tie just some random trash a band-aid trash a random toothpick moment
and then we have a hairbrush that has tons of hair in it yay we have a cleared sink okay so
i have been in my own little world today um i have eight i'm just gonna show you pictures of
what i ate because i didn't take pictures didn't film it nothing i have had pf changs i always get
the pong po chicken whenever i order from there i did ask for white rice they gave me fried rice
instead i finished the rice but i did not finish the kung pao chicken because i always leave like
the bigger pieces of chicken because i don't know just like kind of creeps me on them and then we
ordered an appetizer it was just two pork spring rolls or egg rolls and then later on i had just a
few of my little snacks i had some chickpea snacks and then i had more of my lemon shortbread little
things i had some plantain chips i literally just ate this about an hour ago a cup of noodle
that could be it that could be good for the day i do feel like pretty snacky today so i'm not sure
what the rest of night's gonna look like but i have been sitting here just thinking a little bit
more trying to figure out what is the best option for me i'm just like a literal mess i understand
but that's what these episodes are about you guys kind of you get a little glimpse inside of this
brain up here i'm super indecisive i'm all over the place and then when i decide on
something i like hyper fixate on it um kind of an update on my adhd by the way i am talking
to my psychologist about it because adult adhd is literally the only thing that makes sense
it's just it's i don't know it's just been getting worse and worse and i think my hyper fixation
gets pretty bad too and then like mixed with my intrusive thoughts that's no fun
but that's like just like a mixture of like ocd and anxiety mixed together i'm rambling i'm sorry
yeah i'm just like sitting here trying to think like how am i gonna like reach this hundred pounds
down like there's no way we can do hi episode 30 and i still haven't reached you know the hundred
pounds down mark like it's not happening but it's like you know yesterday like i ate easily below
2000 calories and i gained weight my body is just like my body hates me my body literally hates me
so then i start thinking okay well is it true that like maybe i could be eating too little
and that's why like i'm not losing like no amber land you're not eating too little
like oh my god i'm like okay should i do weight watchers because they allow me to eat a little
bit more while you know actively losing weight then i'm like oh my god my weight watchers makes
me binge because i give me so many points and i'm like let's google dr now's weight loss plan
girl now that's only going to make me binge even worse like 1200 calories of nothing but
lettuce and chicken like that's that's me literally writing my suicide note because
i literally will binge so hard but i'd probably die like my stomach would explode i i i actively
don't know what i'm doing i literally don't know what i'm doing and i'm so confused like
do i intuitive eat do i count calories and if i do should i do 1600 or should i do 2400 like what is
wrong with me obviously i don't lose weight eating 2400 calories that's apparent i need to get like
the junk out of my house like things like the cup of noodles or like the random snacks i've bought
because those things aren't fueling any sort of healthy energy inside of my body they're not
giving me any sort of nutrients that i need like so i don't want to like throw them away and like
waste all this food so then i'm like okay well i can eat them in moderation but then moderation
turns into that's all i eat i know a lot of people relate i know a lot of people relate to me right
now so you guys are like getting to see inside of my brain inside of my heart a little bit more you
know i feel like very vulnerable honestly i feel a little like naked like oh my god like there are
people out there watching me who go through the same conflict in their brains but these episodes
are about me taking you on this journey and it's like i don't want to over share because i've done
that in the past like when i lived in virginia i overshared like every ounce of my weight loss
and it was kind of just like pathetic and that's not really what i want these episodes to be about
i want you guys to have more insight on the way my brain works it's just not as easy as just eating
a calorie deficiency because i at this moment i don't even know what that means and i'm like
weight loss what like what i don't know what that means i've never heard of that word before yeah
and also i've been writing my weight on here i didn't write my weight um for today yet but yeah i
don't know looking at this i'm just like damn okay so we're on day eight which is episode eight and
i am only down point two pounds out of these days i've only binged once and my
body still just doesn't wanna let go of extra weight and it's like i keep blaming you know
my hysterectomy you know i'm 31 years old pre-menopausal like this whole thing i
just keep blaming all that and then like i blame my lymphedema and i really don't know
crying whining little baby [ __ ] acting out like an adolescent girl who whines on twitter
hey [ __ ] up grow the [ __ ] up i'm crying little baby [ __ ] like i think it was over a year ago
i went to a weight loss doctor i'm not sure i talked about it with you guys and it's like
i was expecting like all the answers when i went there and literally the only thing she told me was
have a certain serving of vegetables with every meal no i don't think that's the answer i do know
that i should be eating fruits or vegetables with every meal i do know that but it's like
to tell me to keep my same eating habits that's insane so if anyone is wondering my black pants
i get them from womanwithin.com and they're the stretch cotton boot cut yoga pant so i get mine
in black obviously and i do get tall because i do it from fatima and it helps with that
um and i get a 4x so i actually think i'm gonna stock up on these because i'm not
gonna lie um i like them tight by wearing them so tight and like wearing them so often they do
get holes after like i'd say a year or two years so i usually buy in bulk um oh item number you
guys can look at that right here if you want zero zero two five six two zero zero six nine nine nine
nine yeah i love them it's just what works for me um so yeah i think i'm gonna buy like oh i
don't know they're kind of pricey almost like 30 dollars but it's worth it so i might do five pairs
and add those to the bag so 110 dollars kind of a lot kind of funky kind of fresh oh wait 22.19 they
were 36.99 ma'am what okay either way 110 dollars and after um i got out of my um hysterectomy from
forever ago i bought a bunch of moo moos i bought these wait i literally had this one
oh my god i had this one too so many memories i had this one but i threw them all away a lot of
people ask me why don't i buy expensive jewelry this is not expensive by no means i mean to some
people it can be but i'm just saying like i don't like this style like this is not
my style at all i like costume jewelry because of how it looks like i don't care about the
price like just like more gaudy and stuff like i used to have these right here um i
used to have majority of these let's be real i bought so many of my earrings on chin but
like that's cute bride oh my god maybe one day i'd be wearing those maybe okay you guys hi
it is a completely different day it's about 10 days later 10 10 days after the last clip you
just saw a lot has happened in the last 10 days um i am ahead on videos so that's why
there isn't 10 days for you guys in between content that's why i pre-film because i promised
every other day a video and i've been doing that since the beginning of the year so you gave me you
know it would be easy for me to come on here and just continue on and all this but that that's not
transparency that's not honesty i am here now um it's been weird not to film for the last 10
days because i was doing it daily i you know i was showing you guys what i was eating i was weighing
myself like just talking to you guys and i just stopped because i did binge that night where i was
really in fear of binging i did binge i continued to binge and i haven't been able to find myself
since then i don't know what that means for the series or my videos but i have i have time to
think about it and to continue making content for you guys and what i find to be the best for my
mental health physical health weight loss for my channel and just some things happened in my life
things i don't want to share but also things where i just my mental health um
i am bipolar even with medicine you know i have my days i don't really know what this means but
that's okay i don't have to i don't have to not everything about my channel is going to be about
perfection and i think that's what i was really focused on was like not failing this challenge or
the series not failing you guys but there's a life outside of youtube very big life outside of online
um and i'll talk more about it in my next video um i just feel like i need to be a little bit more
here with you guys and i know this is weird because for you guys it looks like no time
has passed but it has i haven't weighed myself in the last 10 days i haven't been
counting calories i haven't been doing anything but i'll figure it out i always do
um don't worry i will be back but till then see you guys later bye you say i make you
nervous a tragedy i'm a beautiful disaster a reckoning you wonder how i got this way