Today I'm home after being in the hospital for a while and I feel really good to have my
freedom again. But to be honest, I'm real scared about being here because living alone
at home freaks me out.
I can't imagine it's going to work, but I have no choice.
I've had Bella help me as much as I need her help for.
And then when they leave, the rest is up to me.
The positive thing is that I'm able to order anything that I need or want or like.
It's comforting to me.
So I've been following the diet.
Sometimes it's just like, why bother?
If food makes me happy and I'm going to die anyways, why don't I just make myself happy?
Got that one right off the bone.
It's really hard to watch my mom like this.
It's so good. It makes me want to cry.
Does it actually really that good?
It really.
It breaks my heart, seeing my mom just kind of lose mobility.
I don't know how to describe my emotion today.
I was excited for her to come home today, but I was also unsure because I feel like the
best place for her right now is probably the hospital.
I used to always expect the worst and I was trying not to do that and be happy for her.
But I know that she's definitely scared of being alone.
And I'm just scared that she's going to have suicidal thoughts and be not okay on her own
whenever we leave. And that's terrifying to me.
She's been in the hospital for so long that you have people constantly checking up on
you. But here she's on her own.
She has no one.
At first everything was fine and then everything went south really fast.
I just want to go back.
I'm so disappointed about the central air situation.
And it just progressively got worse.
I'm so overwhelmed.
I just I'm shoving, feeling like that face.
It's really hard to watch her spiral like that.
I'm trying my best to keep like a positive mindset.
And then whenever she's coming at you with so much negativity, how are you supposed to
keep that positivity?
What's going to happen. You guys aren't here.
What's going to happen when you leave?
Why did I come home?
Why did they want me out of there so bad?
The more you keep saying that like it's bad, it's bad, it's going wrong, it's going bad.
I can't find a positive anywhere.
I can't land on a positive if there's one one that exists.
This is a good apartment.
This is an amazing apartment.
For a normal sized person.
The size of the Titanic.
You need to find a positive.
The more you continue to talk about the negative, the more there's no positive.
There is a positive where you need to find it.
Stop thinking negative because then you're not going to find any sort of positive.
Stop yelling at me.
Then stop yelling at me.
People are helping you.
People want good things for you.
That is a positive.
I want $6 million that can help me do anything.
And people in hell want ice water.
See, we all want.
And it doesn't work.
Well, it's already working, Mom.
Look at where you're at.
Look at who.
Is here for you.
We going to let you do this?
All kind of.
Good start that I'm not thankful.
I thank you all day.
I know that you're thankful, but like you aren't acting like it.
You're being very negative, which puts me in a very negative mindset.
It makes me not want to be around you, Mom.
This past month has just been hard.
Harder than I thought it would be.
But I haven't let that stop me from working hard to make it to my weight loss and
mobility goals.
And I know I've made more progress this past month because I'm back to handling more on my
own. I still need my walker if I get too tired.
But I can walk some without it now, so I'm using it a lot less.
It's just when I push myself too hard that I have to get it.
And once I'm at that point, I have to have some help.
So Bella and Ivan are still staying with me, but I feel like I'm getting close to being
able to completely take care of myself and I feel good about how I'm doing.
I'm just hoping it'll be enough to show Doctor now.
I'm good.
I'll be bold on your pants.
I got it.
I'm going to go sit in the bathroom and try not to vomit.
Real quick.
Doctor now told me he wanted me to do PT and start psych therapy this month, so I've done
some stuff with PT. I called them and I've been doing that 1 to 2 times a week, and I've
just focused on my physical progress right now because I feel like I needed to give that
my all since I've got such a big goal to hit by this month.
So that's what I've done.
I'm hoping how I've pushed myself has paid off.
Oh. I'm supposed to go to the hospital again next week to get my official weight checked
and I'm supposed to be down to the six hundreds from nine 4690.
I guess if you go by Dr.
Nell's math and losing £250.
But I think I did that to make that weight.
And if not, I'm at least close because I feel like I've been starving myself, you
know? I'm in.
Are you guys interested in coffee?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll just have a salted caramel.
Whatever that thing is, you get me.
And then get whatever you want.
Cool.
Yeah, I guess we'll be back.
All right. You have enough.
Money on the card, right?
Yep. Love you guys.
Be safe. Love you. Bye.
I've been following Dr.
Nels diet for the most part.
The only difference is I still give myself treats and little rewards here and there to
help deal with things.
And I still give myself cheat days once every week to help motivate me.
Because I can push myself knowing that I'll have a reward waiting for me.
Just want to make food because I'm hungry.
So that's how I kind of trick myself into eating less because my eating has been
drastically less than it has been my entire adult life, to the point where it just feels
insane to me at times because I don't feel like I've really been eating.
So hopefully this is enough to show Dr.
now what he wants so I can get transferred to Houston and ultimately have weight loss
surgery. Because I know I can't keep doing this on my own.
It's just too hard to control my eating and to keep cutting back like I have been.
It's way too hard without something stopping me from eating and help me change my habits
because I just can't do it on my own.
So I desperately need to get weight loss surgery or I'm not going to be able to
succeed at this and change my life the way I need.
And I've worked really hard to be able to move towards getting it.
And hopefully when I go to the hospital next week, it all goes as planned.
So this time next month, I'll be in Houston preparing to get the surgery and start with a
new chance at a better life.