You know what this is?
This is like…the kid in high school, who wants to be in the school play, but because
we have to tell today’s kids that they’re all special and entitled little snowflakes,
this kid’s never had to come to terms with the notion of failure and doesn’t understand
he’s not any good, so he decides to do his own play, in the backyard.
This is like a play in a bad actor’s backyard, this game.
Toki wanted to kidnap Pauline, he knew he could play that role.
So to prove it, he’s like, “F*ck you, Donkey Kong,” and he starts spitting.
That’s the plot of his play, “I’ll spit on everything.”
You think I’m making this up?
The game’s called Toki Going Ape Spit.
That’s not even a sentence.
Of course, you wouldn’t know that from playing it.
The title screen just says “Toki,” the sticker doesn’t say anything…no, the only
place it says that is the side of the cartridge.
It’s Going Ape Spit.
It’s like Toki wanted that to be the title, so someone at SEGA was like, “Oh, that’s
a great idea, Toki,” since we can’t tell monkeys they’re wrong anymore…
And to make him happy, they just put it on the side.
“Toki Going Ape Spit.”
It’s the equivalent of putting your kid’s bad drawing on the fridge.
Look, don’t blame me, it’s not like you can’t tell this stuff just by looking at
Toki.
He’s like the monkey nature forgot.
His head is twice the size of his torso, his spine is shaped like a candy cane and his
face just has a permanent dumb smile.
It’s like Lloyd Christmas was frozen in carbonite.
So you know it right away.
You look at the monkey and it’s, like…
“Oh, he’s not playing with a full bunch of bananas.”
Don’t listen to your conscience.
This is a case when you can totally judge a book by its cover.
Toki plays about as well, as you’d expect a creature that appears to be undeveloped
to play.
He kind of looks like a fetus.
So Toki was actually released for bunch of platforms in the eighties, originally.
This Genesis version…and this is the interesting part…this is the improved version.
The graphics and audio were upgraded, some levels were added…I guess that’s the better
monkey sprite.
And listen, here’s the thing, this is kind of a fun game.
I mean, it’s stupid, but it’s stupid in a fun way.
I mean, it’s a Contra-like shooter with a spitting monkey.
No spine curvature or primitive brow could make that idea not great.
But that’s the thing.
The game?
Never as great as the idea.
Also he kind of looks like a fetus.
So you can probably tell just by looking at it, but obviously, Toki isn’t much of a
mover.
He controls more like a sloth than a monkey.
He’s slow, he’s kind of stiff…not really the most agile platformer.
And the technical issues don’t help.
Specifically the hit detection.
Like, you’ll be jumping up to reach a platform, you’ll clearly be short by several pixels…
And somehow, you end up on the platform, I guess Toki’s a magic monkey.
Which is fine, can’t tell him he’s not, but it throws off your entire game.
You’ll start pulling away, because you think your jump is too short…but you end up making
the jump, and you fall off the platform because you were pulling away.
That happens all the time in this game.
Until you just go ape spit, and turn it off.
Nothing magic about the off switch.
You special little monkey.
But like I said, it is kind of fun, it does have its moments.
It’s a lot of fun to play around with the different power-ups, and the different kinds
of spit Toki can…spit.
Even though, like Contra, you find out the spread-spit is the best spit, the other spits
are kind of sh*ts.
And actually, so is the level design.
I mean, it’s a challenging game…but only because it’s a cheap game.
Let’s put spikes in the worst possible places.
Let’s put enemies in the worst possible places.
Let’s put saliva in the worst possible places, that kind of thing, it’s disgusting.
So again, even though the concept is fun, the execution’s really mediocre.
Toki could’ve been much better.
Of course, that’s not to say it’s bad.
If you don’t mind some stiff controls and cheap design in a platformer, there’s some
fun to be had here, if only for its awesome concept.
I mean, this is one of those old games that just seems to have a cult following, and there’s
a reason.
I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it must be something.
It’s Toki.
Going Ape Spit.
For the SEGA Genesis.