– It transcends race, religion or income.
It can happen to anyone
and it is everywhere.
– It is real, it happens,
it has no color, no ethnicity and no religion.
– Around the globe every hour
six women are killed by a man.
The vast majority being their partner or ex-partner.
A psychological trap disguised as love
that women and even a few men fall into every year.
So what is domestic violence?
According to the UN it is defined
The abuse is not always physical,
it can be sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions
or threats of actions that influence another person.
So how does domestic violence unfold?
Anyone who has worked with survivors will tell you the same thing,
domestic violence almost always follows the same script.
Tthe first stage of domestic violence is to seduce
and charm the victim with love bombing.
Then it proceeds to bullying and coercive control.
This is then followed by violent explosions.
And concluding with extreme guilt and remorse.
And the cycle starts all over again.
Early in the relationship this cycle works very slowly
but begins to increase in rate and intensity.
Abuse that would occur monthly
is now a daily encounter.
So why does domestic violence happen?
There is no typical abuser,
a combination of overblown entitlement, shame,
paranoia and insecurity can lead to feelings of over-inflated ego and fury,
distorted cultural beliefs can lead some
to look for a servant rather than a companion.
Forcing their partner to love them unconditionally
when they want – however they want.
So what does domestic violence look like
and how do we identify it?
– When we talk about domestic violence not all violence against women has bruises,
not all women come out having bruises
and not all women come out understand what violence against women is.
– As mentioned one of the first stages of domestic violence
starts here – coercive control.
In this case violence is not even necessary,
just the eminent threat of violence that places victims into complete fear and submission.
It comes in the form of isolation, degradation, threats, gaslighting
and empty acts of kindness luring the victim into compliance.
I mean it's not necessarily violent to isolate
and demand she not see her parents again,
deny her freedom of movement with hundreds of phone calls a day,
place tracking devices on her phone and vehicle,
control her health by calorie counting, every food she's allowed to eat
or convince her she is worthless.
And yet these are the controlling behaviors
that show up as red flags for domestic homicide.
– Women to be murdered
as a result of not identifying
that this is an issue of violence against women,
that is very dangerous.
– Coercive control is not a one-off incident but a repetitive pattern of trauma
that can be difficult to report to the police,
it's a form of abuse that is alien
to the proper functioning of a healthy islamic marriage,
while yes as muslims we understand that the husband
may exercise a degree of authority over his wife,
it is in no way to be confused with coercive control.
– So coercive control is not a way that is within islam.
It does happen, of course it does happen.
But I would never ever blame it
on anyone practicing our islamic principles.
Because I sincerely believe that if we are practicing islamic traditions,
we will have the safest of homes.
– Conservative homes are not homes of violence,
in fact homes with faith are homes that are safe.
– So therefore our islamic principles is very clear.
But I think what is not clear is a human interpretation.
And where we allow our whims and desires
to create that sort of ego driven relationships
and that's where I think what the fallout comes in.
– It is not righteous to keep on suffering.
Yet we continue to witness religious
or community authorities repeating the same response.
The concept of "sabr" – patience
specifically within the context of domestic violence is deeply misunderstood.
Sabr is encouraged where there is room for negotiations
or differences of opinion within the marriage,
yet it is not required to continue to endure violence
and to simply have patience.
– And this is also a call if you as an imam
that's maybe you know watching and sees or hears from a woman that is in a situation
where she's undergoing family and domestic violence,
that you refer her on to those who are able to make those assessments not just to tell her
you need to put up with this
and Allah has decreed and destined, that this is your trial and your test.
Who are you to determine that this is her test?
Allah is her Creator.
– And of course one of the biggest victims of domestic violence
are the children.
Research shows that children that stay in abusive homes
undergo far more damage than children from a divorce family
in which the mother decided to leave.
Many of these children grow up with severe mental health issues,
like depression, anxiety and a high level of suicide.
Studies reveal that survivors of child abuse,
predicted an increased likelihood of experiencing domestic violence
as an adult,
they may grow up to experience or emulate and repeat the abuse
within their own families.
So why do women stay?
Unlike popular belief that claims women stay because she blindly loves him,
the two main issues for battered women are the eminent danger after she leaves,
and financial dependency on him.
– She may think if I seek other means to remedy
this vicious violent situation then I fear that I'm going to lose the children,
I'm going to lose the one that is supporting me,
maybe it's better that I at least that which I know
but it's not the ideal situation I just stick with it.
– And while by no means, do we encourage divorce or urge women
to rush to leave the relationship at the smallest hint of trouble,
there are times when we need to seek outside support
to amend unhealthy relationships.
– 99.9 % of the times women do not want to break their home.
They do not want to leave the family,
they want to keep the family together,
but it has to work with both men and women doing what is
important to keep the family together.
– Human services encourage early intervention
when there are signs of abuse
and rehabilitation without shaming or labeling the perpetrator.
– We do not have shortages of professional social workers,
professional organizations that can help
and they can see this from a holistic approach
but the first and foremost is the safety of you and your children.
– We want to make sure that the victim is safe,
is secure, in the case of a woman,
in the case of her children.
But what we do with the perpetrator now?
We need to work with the perpetrator as well,
we can't just throw him out,
because if we do that then we're not improving our society.
– However when the victim feels unsafe and in danger,
it is important that the mother and her children leave that environment.
– If it's dire and it is a matter of life or death,
then you call the emergency number straight away
and you never seen in a situation where you feel that your life is at threat.
– But any time that a woman finds her life or the life of her children is in danger,
then immediately there is no time to waste
but seek protection for your physical safety
because that home is no longer a physical a home for you to be able to stay safely.
– Domestic violence continues to be a pressing issue,
affecting our communities across the globe.
This issue will not be resolved overnight.
It is a long-term generational pursuit.
Violent homes create violent societies.
And the cycle needs to end.
As a community we must send out the message that violence against women will not be tolerated
and perpetrators will be held accountable.
May Allah increase our homes in peace,
safety and comfort.
And may our homes be a place of tranquility
and not those of violence.