These days, Marvel and
DC can just get lovable
goofball comedians
to diet and exercise
like they're training
for the NFL combine
to make their millions.
But before the Disney
ification of superheroes,
they often had to rely
on weird sex stuff.
And I got some real
hairy action. Had your way.
And that's what we're
all about here. The bonkers,
the embarrassing,
the unbelievable stories of love
and lust that these publishing
powerhouses once conjured up
to titillate young Americans
with disposable income.
We're talking about
the incredible incestuous Hulk,
Swamp Thing, Sex Potatoe
and Superman's clever
workaround for kissing
your cousin. This is
Cannonball number four.
The Hulk only has eyes
for his cousin Hulk 2000
Volume one is a
classic tale of a young man's
confused, enraged
horniness. Stay. It's emo.
It's problematic.
It's basically Marvel's
Pinkerton. Got to
have Japanese girls.
While 2008, The Incredible
Hulk was brave enough
to acknowledge that the
slightest amount of friction
on Bruce Banner is minor,
is enough to summon
the Hulk like a genie.
This story asks the question,
What if the Hulk himself wants
to get it in? The comics
spends 15 whole pages
showing the Hulk moping around,
mourning the tragic,
lonely life he's come
to lead, and also trying
to sell you Cheez-Its.
When we finally meet his cousin,
She-Hulk. She's also sad
in some kind of psychic
solidarity with he hoped,
which is an important lesson
for hormonal young boys
out there. If you keep
your feelings to yourself,
the women in your life
will intuit what's wrong
and make it all better.
And that's exactly
what She-Hulk will spend
the rest of this comic
trying to do. When Hulk throws
a giant temper tantrum
in Central Park. She-Hulk
suggests that maybe
she can reason with this
living embodiment
of senseless, uncontrollable
rage. Vision
helpfully mentions
his new technique
of looking stuff up
on the Internet. According
to Monkey Science, Hulk
is simply a horny baboon.
Like many primates, he's
trying to assert dominance
by beating up his rivals
and also his potential mates
when it becomes clear
that he sees She-Hulk
as his only potential
mate. Vision bravely
decides that this isn't
his problem, saying, quote,
they both share the same
genetic traits. Perhaps only
they can intuit how best
to resolve this. Look, man,
if you want to talk
genetics, humans share 44%
of their DNA with bananas.
If a crazed banana was hell
bent on parking me
in Central Park, I would hope
my coworkers would step in.
She Hawks approach
to resolving this is
too overtly seduce him,
then let him down.
Easy with those classic lines
we've all heard before.
You're not my type.
And you're my cousin Kevin.
I'm not happy with
what's happening in my story.
Hulk whines about how smart
and strong he is and then resumes
his temper tantrum, which,
by the way, started
with smashing a cop car.
Iron Man is like,
maybe we should stop
this horny, angry idiot
before he kills somebody.
But She-Hulk basically says,
No, he's got blue
balls of rage and he might get
sick if he doesn't go
dropkick the Bronx.
You can see this whole thing
playing out in a state
school frat house.
Angry Bro makes a scene.
The object of his affection
tries to settle him
down. Everyone else
justifies looking.
The other way while he
punches a hole in the wall.
I guess there is more
harmful frat trope behavior
that a hero could engage
in DC. Maybe you'd like
to try your hand.
Number three, Swamp Thing
grooms a teenager
and then doses her.
Abigail Arcane is the daughter,
the niece and the ex-wife
of Swamp Thing's various nemeses.
She and Swamp Thing
shared over ten years
of adventures before her
human husband finally croaked,
and they could be together once
and for all. Daddy issues
aside, the real
problem is that Abigail
was 17 in the first time.
Swamp Thing saved her
in 1973. Swamp Thing
number three. I'm
not even going to bother
looking up the age
of consent in Transylvania.
I'm just going to say this
Swamp Thing. You're on thin
ice, buddy. One thing,
you are amazing.
Fast forward to 1982,
Swamp Thing. Number 34.
A 29 year old Abigail
is visiting her, becoming husband
on his deathbed when a moist
blankets in the hospital
lobby catches her eye.
She's made up her mind.
She is going to the Swamp Thing.
To his credit, he explains that
boning him, quote,
would be unpleasant
for you. She insists
they don't need to have
a physical relationship
as long as they have each other.
And he starts to panic.
He paces into the filthy,
stagnant water and grunts
out a sex potatoes
from his heart. She agrees
this is already quite
unpleasant, but agrees
nonetheless to take a bite
of his hideous tuber
if that's what he's into.
He neglects to mention
that she's about to trip
absolute balls. She starts
having vivid and beautifully
rendered hallucinations
where she appears
to wear Swamp Thing
like a goddamn power loader
and even the very earth
itself. In case
you were wondering,
Swamp Thing's kisses taste
like wine. And his
vegetable testicles taste
like cardamom. It's only after
their orgasmic trip is over
that the really dark
stuff begins. Despite
the morally dubious
foundation of this
relationship and this
particular sexual
encounter, it's actually Abigail
who gets in trouble
with the law. In a later
issue. She's charged
with cruelty to nature
for her part in this filthy
psychedelic orgy.
As their relationship
progresses, things
only get worse. They want to
have a kid. So Swamp Thing
pilots his human friends
meet body to boink a baby
into her belly. She wakes up
one day to find
Swamp Thing spontaneously
mimicking her pregnant body.
He then gives birth
to a baby version
of himself and then
makes the conscious
decision to become
the infant son of his once
lover. For some reason,
she accepts his decision.
At which point he spontaneously
becomes an adult swamp thing
once more. This isn't
to say that DC is actively
encouraging learned
helplessness and other man
baby behavior, but
this particular couple isn't
exactly providing
a strong model of a healthy
relationship. Maybe Superman
has a stronger moral compass.
Number two Superman will
only settle down for his cousin.
God help. 1938 Action
Comics Number 289
makes no bones about its
incestuous, pedophilic
undertones with Superman's
16 year old first cousin
saying, quote, The woman
he is finally going
to wed looks exactly
as I will when I grow up.
Right there on the cover.
To clarify, Supergirl
worries that Superman
will never choose a wife
and will end up alone forever.
She takes it upon herself
to orchestrate a woman hunt
across space and time, first
trying to hook him up
with famous women
in history. When that doesn't
work, she pulls
some ghost of Christmas
futures, successfully
goading Superman to hook up with
Saturn girl. Only in
the future where she's ever
so slightly less girly.
That one doesn't work out either.
And Supergirl comes clean
about her matchmaking
scheme. Superman had
previously claimed that
his whole reason for embracing
bachelorhood is so that
he can devote his life
to defending Earth.
Well, it turns out
that's not entirely true.
The reality is that
he totally, definitely,
exclusively wants to marry
his cousin, who, again, is 16.
He launches into a
suspiciously lengthy diatribe
about how rubbing on
your cousin is both okay
and not okay. See, it's
illegal on Krypton
where they're both from,
but he makes sure
to point out that it is legal
in some countries
right here on earth.
And he explains all this while
lustily thumbing
her chin like he's
about to devour her head
like a heap of hamburgers.
So it's not a leap
to say this dude
was hoping to smooch
his second teenager of
the day. But Supergirl
doesn't one better.
She hops on the computer
and quickly finds
a slightly older,
practically identical
version of herself
on a distant planet
somewhere, ignoring all
the crime on the planet,
he swore to protect.
Superman barrels through space
to go tongue kiss the carbon
copy of the girl he probably
babysat at some point.
At times, it almost
feels like Supergirl pulled
a Dick Cheney here, offering
to find the right person
for the job and discovering,
what do you know? She was the
right person all along.
But despite her odd fixation
with Superman's love life,
there's no indication
that she harbors any kind of
crush whatsoever.
Superman was the one
who made it weird
with his well-rehearsed
justification of Cousin Love,
and she responds by immediately
finding a literal decoy
and getting him to scurry off
to another galaxy.
I'd say, watch
your daughters, but unless
you've got some Kryptonian blood
in you, you're probably safe.
If, on the other hand,
you happen to be an Avenger,
you may want to keep an eye
on your sons. Number one,
Miss Marvel gets Stockholm
Syndrome made by her
infant son. Tell me
if you've heard this one before.
And inexplicably,
naked young man strikes up
an amorous relationship
with a maternal figure
who goes to great lengths
to explain that she's not
technically his real mom.
Yeah, Marvel was pumping out
classic porn storylines,
at least as far back
as 1963, although it was
still doing that.
Avengers number 200 is
an unfortunate tale of
the time. Miss Marvel
fell in romantic love with
her son on the day
he was born. Holding
your judgment, though,
she's somehow not the villain
of this story, it starts off
with The Avengers
returning to their mansion
to find Miss Marvel
fully eight months pregnant.
She insists that she's only
been pregnant for three days
and furthermore, she hadn't even
boned anybody. A weird thing
to tell your coworkers
for sure, but easier
than describing the truth.
She was immaculately
conceptd while on
an airplane over New Jersey.
What's in New Jersey?
While her fellow Avengers run
around doing some sitcom
uncle shots, this miracle
child starts rapidly aging
because there's no time to waste
when incest is the game.
He's a grown man by the time
she finally sees him,
at which point she's a
surprise. Is any of us
to find she's a little
bit horny for him.
The man child who names
himself Marcus, explains
that he's, in fact,
the son of Immortals,
one of the super ist
supervillains out there.
See, immortals ruled over
limbo, which exists
outside of time. He got horny
one eternity and kidnaped
a human woman. It's fine.
She was about to die
on the Titanic. But if you look
back to this part,
it's like he forced her
to bear his child
and raise it on a little time
island inside of limbo.
It's fine. He used his machines
to make her fall in love
with him. Eventually,
though, thanks to
some time related
conundrums and shenanigans,
Marcus's mother drifts
back to Earth and his father
disappears entirely.
A couple eternities.
Later, Marcus realized
that he, too, had become
a bit horny and followed
in his father's footsteps.
He kidnaped Miss Marvel
and with a little help
from his dad's forced consent
machines, got her pregnant
with once again a fetus version
of himself. By the way,
that's the implied
backstory of all
borderline incest porn
after finally hearing
why the hell she just speed
ran pregnancy. Ms..
Marvel declares, quote,
I think that might be
a relationship worth
giving a chance and agrees
on the spot to go back
to limbo with this
slimeball. Well,
she's obviously being mind
controlled. And surely
the Avengers intervene,
right? I mean,
it's a little uncool
that they all ogled her
while her infant son
was crowning. And then they
repeatedly asked if she was okay.
But when it really
mattered, they all
stepped up and. Oh, actually,
they helped her abuser isolate
and kidnap her. Yeah.
Before any of the women
could return and weigh
in on the situation,
Thor immediately hand delivers
the new couple back to limbo.
While Iron Man and
Hawkeye agree that yep,
everything probably
worked out for the best.
Great work, fellas.
I'm sure Scarlet Witch
and the WASP will understand
when you explain that
you just ushered your coworker
off to another
dimension with the
adult baby you just met.
Also, he wouldn't
have to spend another eternity
not talking. Thanks for
watching this episode
of Cannonball. Don't forget
to like and subscribe
and let us know in the comments
if you know of any tips
or tricks for hooking up
with your cousin.