what's up everybody this is your boy Stephen Spielburn. The host of Cinema Stakes
the show where we take some Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer
them and then we're making a sound going
today we are doing Guardians of the Galaxy 3. A lot of people are saying oh
Stephen you can't put you can't skewer Guardians of the Galaxy 3 it's the third
one there's already been two it's so good they're the best superheroes and
they're funny and their friends and all that stuff yeah I don't give a crap I'll
put it on this skewer stick
here are the top five mistakes in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Three
the first mistake in Guardians of Galaxy vol 3 is that this movie is way
too freaking sad they got cute ass critters in this movie. Critters with all
kinds of different gadgets and mechanical items attached to them. The
critters look like they belong in the Twisted Metal game from PlayStation. A
long time ago they're all screwed up and then you make they make you like them a
bunch and then you see how good of friends they are and then they they make
these critters go away. This is basically a PETA movie
this is like when you go to Warped Tour and like a cute girl like comes up to
you and they're like hey do you have a second to talk about animal rights and
you're like whoa yeah I'm so happy that a woman is talking to me this is awesome
and then you go and she pulls you into tent and shows you sad videos of dogs
and animals and stuff being tortured and you're like I thought you were trying to
hang out with me and really she's just trying to get you to sign up for PETA um
this is exactly like that except watching it in a movie for me. And on top
of that the whole movie you start off with with Star-Lord Chris Pratt he's a
pretty hot guy he starts out and he's drunk as hell and he's all sad about
Gamora so then you see Gamora in the movie and his heart's broke his heart is
broken the whole time that's like every time when I watch uh Sailor Moon and I
get my heart broken because I wish that I could date someone in Sailor Moon and
on top of that the whole team's gonna break up I mean come on here you we got
to get a win plot hole identified: the critters are way too cute and honestly I
feel taken advantage of here.
the second reason why Guardians of Galaxy Vol 3 is terrible movie is that actually Groot is way too freaking funny for this film
every time he opens his mouth I am absolutely busting my gut laughing at
how hilarious this MFR is he's saying like I am Groot and I'm like oh
is Groot top five comedians of all time like is it Rogan Groot and then like
Carlin like after that like I don't know but the Groot is absolutely crushing it
in this movie he should have a Comedy Central special like an hour long one it
sounds like a good thing that Groot is so funny but it's not because on the one
hand the movie is so sad but on the other hand like Groot is freaking hilarious like
I'm going sad I'm going laughing I'm sad I'm laughing it's like we need to
pick a direction here right plothole identified Groot is too hilarious in this
movie and it's distracting. The third reason why Guardians of the Galaxy vol 3
is a terrible movie is that there is not enough revenge in this thing. The High
Evolutionary deserves to have his freaking ass beat for about 30 minutes
to an hour in real time on screen for the kind of crap that he pulled in this
movie If I were the person that was gonna beat the High Evolutionary's ass
here's what I would be doing I would [beep]
I would have watched it burn. Be [beep]
until he started looking like Mr Potato Head and I'd have his legs and I just
start [beep] with these legs just like the Blue Man
Group like
I just started [beep]
I would take that and I [beep]
Plot hole identified the High Evolutionary deserves a lot more of revenge than what
he got fourth reason why the Guardians of the Galaxy movie number three uh
makes absolutely no sense is that uh new team dynamic it took me three movies to
understand how the Guardians of the Galaxy got along with each other in
their inter-personal relationships like Drax and Mantis and Star-Lord and how
they all play off each other and now the entire team quit and you're telling me
I've got to do all this again I've got to start from Ground Zero who are these
new people like I know I saw them in the movie but it's giving me so much anxiety
thinking about it we have Craglin who it's like yeah we've seen before but now
he's like a main team member and he's like talking with everyone else like how
is that gonna work like is he funny like Groot I don't know then you have Cosmo
the space dog it's like what's going on there like is Cosmo funny as hell like
Groot I don't know didn't we also have a young girl with like crazy powers but is
she funny like Groot and last but not least you have Adam Warlock which
honestly should come as a trigger warning because Will Poulter in my mind will
always be Eustace Scrubb from the Chronicles of Narnia and
he scared the [ __ ] out of me so much that I wet my bed for five years and I
had blocked Will Poulter on all social media and I did not know that he was
going to be in this so it was a big trigger warning for me and I had to stop
myself from pissing my pants again so now you're telling me that I have to see
Will Poulter AKA Eustace Scrubb in every Guardians of the Galaxy movie coming out
soon and probably a lot of the Avengers movies and stuff like that like I'm
honestly freaking terrified plothole identified Eustace Scrubb does not
belong in the Marvel Cinematic Universe the fifth reason why Guardians of the
Galaxy is a terrible movie is uh because I should replace Drax. My whole life
people had compared me to Drax they said that I look like him I'm funny like him
I'm strong like him probably stronger honestly if we're being real like
give me a couple weeks and I I would I would beat him it's like they've said
like you're so funny and you are you know strong as hell and you're really
good with knives and if you are married to Sailor Moon like you could be a
really good dad if you guys had kids together like people are saying this to
me all the time constantly they're obviously letting anybody become a
Guardian of the Galaxy now Eustace Scrubb Will Poulter yeah I think I could take
over the mandolin Drax I could be Drax 2.0 just name it like new Drax and I
would be him and I think I could do a better job than Dave Bautista he's probably over
it right and I could breathe fresh life into the character and like the
character could wear like backwards hats and stuff like
like and he would just be like really cool and he'd be into John Wick and
doing crazy stuff like that and that's what I would bring to the role and
actually this is kind of making me think what I'm just now realizing is that Dave
Bautista leaving the role of Drax actually opens this up for me to finally
achieve my dream of being a famous Hollywood actor and is like super rich
and famous and like I have like a wife and kids and we have a house like the
beach side in Malibu but then we also have like a tiny house like kind of in
the midwest like for when I need to decompress you know what I mean because
it's going to get like so overwhelming like being so famous this is going to
take the movie off the skewer stick for me
It's got five stars all right everyone so I guess that has been Cinema Stakes for Guardians of
Galaxy Vol 3 the show where I typically just skewer Hollywood's hottest films
but now I'm apparently achieving my dream of playing Drax like see you
guys when I'm famous now
Stephen Spielburn reading for Drax
who wants to see John Wick who wants to go watch John Wick
I'm willing to shave