Let's kick things off with last night's Met Gala.
Now, the magical night when the world's most fashionable
cultural icons try to figure out how the [BLEEP]
they're going to fit their spiky
headdress into an Uber Pool.
REPORTER: On fashion's biggest night,
garden-inspired looks on full display, right in bloom
with this year's dress code, The Garden of Time.
REPORTER 2: Fans tried to figure out
which star was fully covered head to toe
in a floor-length beige umbrella.
REPORTER 3: Now this is a award singer Tyla.
So many people are talking about this--
she had to be carried up the stairs of the Met.
The dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy.
OK.
A dress made of sand is super impressive.
Who are you wearing?
Coney Island, thank you very much.
[LAUGHTER] I like how she had four people
carry her up the stairs.
I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned to the Secret Service
like, let's just do that from now on.
But the true glam-heads weren't paying attention
to the met gala, because the real action last night was
in Moscow, where Vladimir Putin held
an opulent inauguration that just screamed, definitely
not a dictator for life.
REPORTER 4: We continue to watch live pictures from Moscow
where Vladimir Putin begins his fifth term
as Russian president.
The strongman has already been in office
for nearly a quarter century.
Putin's new term doesn't end until 2030, and, at that point,
he'll be eligible to run for another six years if he wants.
It has been a lavish and opulent
ceremony there in Moscow.
Come on, Vlad, you can't show up to all this in a suit.
Come on.
They got the wizards and the golden walls.
You're walking in like you're late from the office, man.
How do you think Merlin over here feels, huh?
He's like, I went full Hogwarts over here.
Now I feel like a [BLEEP] dick, Vlad.
You act like you don't even want to be here,
but this is your whole thing.
I mean, I'm not criticizing you.
You're the one with the poison.
But still, we could have done this over Zoom.
[LAUGHTER]
Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump.
[CHEERING]
It's now week four of the Trump trial.
And, boy, time flies when you're constantly falling
asleep in court, doesn't it?
But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's
testimony, which brings us to our latest
installment of America's Most Tremendously Wanted.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
The whole thing is a scam.
Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of Donald Trump,
because today, Stormy Daniels herself took the stand.
And you could tell from the start
that the coverage was going to be delicate.
Right now, in the courtroom, our reporters in there
are sending us notes, updates, every second that they can.
And Mr. Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols,
is saying, quote, "we're informed the second witness
today will be Stormy Daniels.
We want to renew our objection to her testifying,
particularly about any details of any sexual acts."
That is Mr. Trump's attorney.
The prosecutors is also saying, quote, "in terms of the sexual
act, it will be very basic"--
I can't believe I have to read this
on television-- "it's not going to involve any description"--
DANA BASH: Better you than me, Jake Tapper.
It's not going to involve any descriptions of anything.
So--
Just read it.
Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash,
acting like you're too good for this,
like you've never seen genitalia before, all right?
[LAUGHTER]
You're very prudish for people whose
names sound like porn names.
Jake Tapper and Dana Bash in "State of the Union."
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, oh.
They're going to Smerconish all over your Wolf Blitzer,
you know?
Now--
[LAUGHTER]
Now, the crux of this case is that Trump allegedly
paid stormy Daniels hush money to cover up their affair
just before the 2016 election.
And today, Stormy Daniels told us exactly what all that money
was hushing, starting from the very beginning
of the night Donald Trump invited her
for dinner in his hotel room.
REPORTER 5: Daniels testified that when she first
entered Trump's hotel suite, he greeted
her wearing silk pajamas.
She says she joked that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas
and asked him to change, which he did.
According to Daniels, when she asked Trump about his wife,
he admitted that he and Melania sleep in separate beds.
After speaking with Trump for a while,
Daniels told Trump he was rude and didn't know
how to have a conversation.
Someone should spank you with that magazine, she told him.
She says Trump then rolled up the magazine and, quote,
"gave me a look."
So she took it from him, told him to turn around,
and swatted him on the butt.
[LAUGHTER]
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
That poor, poor magazine.
Hasn't print media suffered enough?
Spanking, silk pajamas, separate beds--
these revelations are so uncomfortably
personal that even Drake is like,
ooh, sucks to be that guy.
But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on.
It gets worse.
REPORTER 6: Daniels testified that at one point prior to them
having sex, Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter,
Ivanka, saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women
who people underestimated.
Hashtag girldad.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump wants
to Smerconish his daughter, but remember,
the court worked hard to find an unbiased jury, which means
there's at least one person on there who was in a coma
for the last 10 years.
And I bet that guy is losing his mind today.
[LAUGHTER]
Are you hearing this?
That's the president, and his daughter, and a porn star.
Wait til my friend Prince hears about this.
[LAUGHTER]
You know what?
Maybe that actually damning part of all of this
is how Trump got Stormy to have sex with him.
According to Daniels, he suggested that she
could be on "The Apprentice."
Later, he stripped to his underwear and told her, quote,
"this is the only way you're getting
out of the trailer park."
Yikes.
So Trump isn't just a bad lover who
thinks talking about his daughter
is an acceptable form of foreplay.
He's a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get
them to have sex with him, because, Lord knows,
they're not in it for the two minutes of thrusting.
And personally, I find it disappointing.
I mean, who would have thought a man
found liable for sexual assault would coerce a woman into sex?
I mean, honestly, it's like you can't even trust
sex offenders these days.
For more on today's testimony, let's go live to the courthouse
with our own Troy Iwata.
Troy.
[CHEERING]
Troy, what's the mood down at the courthouse today?
I would say the mood is uncomfy.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, I was so perturbed I made myself feel better
by remembering that time I watched "Saltburn"
with my parents.
[LAUGHTER]
That's how bad it was today.
But I got to tell you, it's pretty brutal
hearing someone's dumb horny man
moves read aloud in the cold light of a courtroom.
I'm sorry, dumb, horny man moves?
You know, the things that you say
and do right before you have sex with someone
for the first time?
The sexy stuff that you do in the moment
that no one should ever rehash?
You know, the faces and phrases like, your lips
look like two big worms.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, well, I mean, some people's man
moves are pretty solid, I bet.
OK.
You keep telling yourself that, big guy.
Like, what's your go-to move when you get to the bedroom?
Well, I don't know if this is the time or the--
one time--
[LAUGHTER]
One time, I said "all-righty then," just like Ace Ventura.
But it was a good reference because we had
both just seen "Ace Ventura."
I mean, she hadn't, but I had explained the movie to her.
And it was kind of a sexy moment for both of us.
[LAUGHTER]
Cool.
What's your point, that testifying
about people's man move should have
no place in the legal system? - No.
No.
I actually think the opposite.
I think every trial should have it.
You know, imagine if every time you committed a crime,
the prosecutors could put your ex on the stand
and describe your most mediocre hookup in grave detail.
[LAUGHTER]
And then, a stenographer in a cardigan wrote it all down,
and then Jake Tapper broadcasted
it on national television.
[CHEERING]
Yeah, frankly-- OK, I see you--
that is a clear point.
I mean, you put it that way, I would
be the most law-abiding citizen in history.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Right now, I'm about 50-50 on committing crimes.
OK.
Like, I can see myself counterfeiting stamps.
But if it meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how
one night I got on all fours and I said,
tell me you're proud of me--
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
I wouldn't even get a parking ticket.
I wouldn't even own a car.
This might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.
So you're saying we should just
air all of Trump's dirty details in an attempt
to lower crime rates.
No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're proud of me.
[OOHS AND AHHS]
All righty, then.
Troy Iwata, everybody.