Jussie Smollett.
Two months ago, the Empire actor was attacked
by two Trump supporters
who turned out to be Nigerian weight lifters.
But then Jussie was arrested
for working with them to fake a hate crime.
But then the charges were dropped for no reason.
And then Jussie said the brothers
really did attack him, but they were in whiteface.
And now the story's starting to get weird.
The two brothers who allegedly faked
the Jussie Smollett attack
are now suing the Empire actor's legal team.
They say Smollett directed every aspect of the hoax.
The brothers are suing for defamation.
They claim they suffered extreme emotional distress.
Smollett's attorneys have called
that federal lawsuit ridiculous.
Okay, okay.
I don't know who's writing the Jussie Smollett story,
but they deserve a raise, all right?
No, because this is a storyline
that nobody could have predicted.
The Nigerian brothers are saying Jussie hurt their reputation
by telling people that they aren't con artists and scammers.
You realize that? They're very upset about it.
They're like, "How dare you insinuate
"that we are not committing a scam, huh?
"How dare you say that about us.
"This is especially insulting to me as a prince
whose family was recently forced to flee his country."
(laughter)
So, they're suing, and I'll be honest.
If I was Jussie, I would settle with these guys quickly.
Because if they cut his face when they were faking it,
imagine what they'd do when shit is real.
And I'll be honest. I'll be honest with you.
I, uh, I don't know how these guys can claim
Jussie Smollett tarnished their image
because up until a few months ago,
no one knew their image.
Right? And now we do.
And it's this photo which we use every single time
when they're talked about on the news,
which is pretty dope.
Shit, if I ever get arrested for anything,
feel free to use this photo of me. Yeah.
Just, like, do that all the time.
All the time.
And, by the way, that's not my penis. I have a tail.
Moving on to another never-ending story.
Immigration.
Recently, the Department of Homeland Security
has gotten a bad reputation
for how it detains children at the border.
So they've been trying to come up with an alternative
that doesn't look cartoonishly evil,
and this is what they came up with.
NEWSMAN: A new report this morning
from The New York Times says the United States
is considering housing migrant children
at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.
The report says it's part of an effort
to handle the uptick in immigrants
that are trying to cross the southern border.
Okay, I want to know
how that meeting at Homeland Security went.
Hmm? Who came up with this idea?
People are like, "Guys, guys, people are really mad at us
"for separating children from their parents.
What can we do to fix this?"
"Uh, we can throw them in Guantanamo."
"My man."
This is a horrible idea.
But, on the upside, at least the Guantanamo ball pit
would finally get used. I mean...
And now officials say that they might not move forward with this
because the idea of using Guantanamo Bay
for immigrant children is, uh, not a good idea, right?
I guess they realize how inhumane it is.
And not just for the kids, but for the prisoners, right?
They now have to share their prison with kids.
Like, forget waterboarding.
Living with toddlers, that's the real torture.
They'd be like, "No, no, not PAW Patrol again!
"Please, please, please, no!
"Dogs cannot operate vehicles!
No!"
And finally, you're not gonna believe this,
but something really strange happened in Florida.
NEWSWOMAN: A rare bird that rammed into its owner
and killed him is up for auction.
Marvin Hajos died after he was attacked
by the cassowary in Gainesville.
The flightless bird is now for sale
along with 100 other exotic animals
from the man's personal collection.
Quick question:
why are they auctioning off the killer bird?
Like, who's bidding on that?
Is there someone out there showing up like,
"$200. I'll fight that bird."
(laughter)
And you know what, like, people are like,
"This bird. I can't believe it."
But let's be... let's be fair, people.
We murder birds every day.
Like, hundreds of thousands of them. Yeah.
So life really is about perspective.
We call this bird a murderer,
but chickens locked up in farms everywhere, they're like,
"Yo, that's our Malcolm X. That's what that is."
That was revenge. They're getting tattoos
of that bird on themselves right now.
And Florida or not, it is shocking
to hear that there's a bird that can kill people.
It's like finding out there's a gerbil that commits arson.
Mr. Snickers, no!