WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
FOLKS, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE
WORLD TO "THE L "THE LATE SHOW."
IN THE I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
THE BIG STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT: A COYOTE AND A
BADGER ARE FRIENDS!
LOOK, HE'S SAYING, "COME ON, BUDDY, LET'S GO!"
AND THEY'RE OFF ON AN ADVENTURE!
THEY'RE TEAMING UP TO FINALLY TAKE DOWN THAT ROAD RUNNER--
UNLESS THE ROAD RUNNER ALSO HA MADE A FRIEND.
MAYBE IT'S A POSSUM.
DOESN'T THAT WARM YOUR HEART A LITTLE BIT?
IF THOSE TWO ANIMALS CAN GET ALONG, MAYBE WE AS AMERICANS,
DESPITE OUR DIFFERENCES, CAN ALSO HAVE A BADGER AS A FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER )
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
STAY TUNED FOR JAMES CORDEN!
GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD CONTRACTUALLY I'M OBLIGATED TO
REMAIN CONSCIOUS AND CONTINUE TALKING.
JUST REMEMBER, THIS NEXT PART WASN'T MY IDEA.
FOLKS, I HOPE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN, BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME
TERRIBLE NEWS: THE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF OUR NOT-LONG-ENOUGH RUNNING SERIES:
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> CONSTITUTION!
CONSTITUTION!
PERFECT PHONE CALL.
IT'S TRUE.
TODAY, THE U.S. SENATE ACQUITTED DONALD TRUMP.
SO THERE IT IS, OKAY.
IT'S OFFICIAL: NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING.
RIGHT IS WRONG.
UP IS DOWN.
MISSOURI IS KANSAS.
( LAUGHTER )
FOREIGN POWER TO INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTION IS THE NEW NORMAL.
THE DEMOCRATS HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DO THE SAME THING.
( AS BERNIE )
I COULD REALLY USE THAT PEE PEE TAPE.
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE.
AROUND THE CORNER, JUSTICE IS MADE!"
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOT SETTING THE PRECEDENT THAT PRESIDENTS ARE
ABOVE THE LAW, BECAUSE TRUMP IS GOING TO CHANGE.
>> I THINK THAT HE KNOWS NOW THAT IF HE IS TRYING TO DO
CERTAIN THINGS, WHETHER IT'S FERRETING OUT CORRUPTION THERE,
IN AFGHANISTAN, WHATEVER IT IS, HE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH THE
PROPER CHANNELS.
>> IF A CALL LIKE THAT GETS YOU AN IMPEACHMENT, I WOULD THINK HE
WOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE HE DID IT AGAIN.
>> I THINK HE'LL BE INSTRUCTED BY WHAT HAS OCCURRED HERE.
>> Stephen: OH, HE'LL BE INSTRUCTED BY WHAT OCCURRED
HERE, BECAUSE NOTHING OCCURRED HERE.
( AS TRUMP )
THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I FAILED HISTORY."
THE ONLY LESSON TRUMP EVER LEARNS IS THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH
EVERYTHING: MULTIPLE BANKRUPTCIES-- NOTHING.
MULTIPLE SEXUAL ASSAULT ACCUSATIONS-- NOTHING.
HE'S IN PERFECT HEALTH DESPITE EATING LIKE A RAT BEHIND THE
BOB'S BIG BOY.
NOTHING!
( LAUGHTER )
SUCCESSFULLY TALKED HERSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT SHE BELIEVES IN
SOMETHING IS MAINE REPUBLICAN SUSAN COLLINS, WHO SAID THIS
LAST NIGHT SAID THIS: >> HE WAS IMPEACHED, AND THERE
HAS BEEN CRITICISM BY BOTH REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRATIC
SENATORS OF HIS CALL.
I BELIEVE THAT HE WILL BE MUCH MORE CAUTIOUS IN THE FUTURE.
>> Stephen: (AS SUSAN COLLINS) "IN THE FUTURE, HE'LL BE MORE
CAUTIOUS AND NOT GET CAUGHT.
BY THE WAY, MR. PRESIDENT, IF YOU NEED HELP GETTING RID OF A
BODY, I'M YOUR GIRL.
THE SECRET IS REMOVING THE HANDS AND TEETH, THEN KILLING THE GUY
WHO SOLD YOU THE SHOVEL.
( LAUGHTER )
OF HORROR STEPHEN KING LIVES IN MAINE.
I SEEM REALLY FOLKSY, BUT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY TO WHAT I'M
JUSTIFYING, SUDDENLY I SEEM LIKE A SKIN BAG FILLED WITH WRITHING
TENTACLES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
LITTLE BIT.
BUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY SUSAN COLLINS.
TODAY SUSAN COLLINS SEES THINGS A LITTLE MORE CLEARLY.
SHE NOW SAYS SHE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT SHE
BELIEVES TRUMP HAS LEARNED HIS LESSONS FROM THE FALLOUT FROM
HIS DEALINGS WITH UKRAINE AND IMPEACHMENT.
SHE NOW SAYS A BETTER WORD WOULD HAVE BEEN "HOPES."
YES, AND A BETTER WORD FOR "SENATOR" SUSAN COLLINS WOULD BE
"FORMER SENATOR" SUSAN COLLINS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE'S THE DOOR.
NOW, ONE DEMOCRAT WHO FOLKS WEREN'T SURE WOULD VOTE TO
CONVICT WAS ALABAMA SENATOR DOUG JONES, GIVEN HOW POPULAR THE
PRESIDENT IS IN ALABAMA.
BUT HE DID.
AND JONES DIDN'T WANT TOO MUCH CREDIT.
>> I AM MINDFUL, MR. PRESIDENT, THAT I AM STANDING AT A DESK
THAT ONCE WAS USED BY JOHN F. KENNEDY, WHO FAMOUSLY
WROTE "PROFILES IN COURAGE," AND THERE WILL BE SO MANY WHO WILL
SIMPLY LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING TODAY AND SAY IT IS A PROFILE IN
COURAGE.
>> Stephen: (AS JONES) "YES, SO MANY WILL CALL THIS
A PROFILE IN COURAGE.
SO MANY WILL ALSO SAY THAT I SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF 'TIME
MAGAZINE.' MANY MORE WILL SAY I SHOULD BE
'PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.' I UNDERSTAND WHERE THESE SO MANY
ARE COMING FROM.
BUT PLEASE, DON'T NAME AN AIRPORT IN NEW YORK AFTER ME."
THE VOTE ON OBSTRUCTION OF CONGRESS WAS 53-47, PURE
PARTISAN SPLIT.
BUT ON THE FIRST CHARGE, ON THE ABUSE OF POWER, THE VOTE WAS
52-48.
AND ON THIS DARK DAY, THERE WAS SOMEONE I WOULD LIKE TO THANK
FOR GIVING ME A RAY OF HOPE: UTAH SENATOR AND DAD EXPLAINING
VENTURE CAPITALISM TO YOUR PROM DATE, MITT ROMNEY.
ROMNEY HAS NEVER BEEN A FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN--
( APPLAUSE )
FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN OR A FAR-RIGHT REPUBLICAN.
BUT IT WAS STILL SHOCKING TO HEAR HIM SAY THIS:
>> THE GREAT QUESTION THE CONSTITUTION TASKS SENATORS TO
ANSWER IS WHETHER THE PRESIDENT COMMITTED AN ACT SO EXTREME AND
EGREGIOUS THAT IT RISES TO THE LEVEL OF A HIGH CRIME AND
MISDEMEANOR.
YES, HE DID.
>> Stephen: YES.
HE.
DID.
THANK YOU.
THREE LITTLE WORDS CAN SOMETIMES
YES.
IT'S NOT HARD.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT MUCH.
IT SEEMS SMALL, BUT THREE LITTLE WORDS CAN SOMETIMES BE SO
POWERFUL.
YES, HE DID.
I LOVE YOU.
CHILI CHEESE FRIES.
( LAUGHTER )
>> CORRUPTING AN ELECTION TO KEEP ONESELF IN OFFICE IS
PERHAPS THE MOST ABUSIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE VIOLATION OF ONE'S
OATH OF OFFICE THAT I CAN IMAGINE.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED:
( AS TRUMP )
IMAGINATION, DO YOU, MITT?
BECAUSE NOW THAT I'M ACQUITTED, I'M GOING TO VIOLATE THAT OATH
IN WAYS THAT WOULD MAKE MY OLD FRIEND JEFFREY EPSTEIN PUKE INTO
A DUMPSTER."
REALLY?
TOO SOON?
ROMNEY SUMMED UP THE PRESIDENT'S CRIMES EASILY.
>> THE PRESIDENT'S PURPOSE WAS PERSONAL AND POLITICAL.
ACCORDINGLY, THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY OF AN APPALLING ABUSE
OF PUBLIC TRUST.
>> Stephen: YES!
THAT'S WHAT THE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS WERE SAYING THE WHOLE
TIME!
SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER, MR.
SCHIFF.
YOU GOT THROUGH TO THE TALL, QUIET KID WHO HAS TROUBLE MAKING
FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM!
QUIET.
HANDSOME.
>> Jon: COME ON!
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING.
HERE'S THE THING-- THIS IS IMPORTANT.
MITT KNOWS THIS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE HIM ANY FRIENDS IN THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY.
>> I'M AWARE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN MY PARTY AND IN MY
STATE WHO WILL STRENUOUSLY DISAPPROVE OF MY DECISION.
AND IN SOME QUARTERS, I WILL BE VEHEMENTLY DENOUNCED.
I'M SURE TO HEAR ABUSE FROM THE PRESIDENT AND HIS SUPPORTERS.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
THE PRESIDENT WILL GO AFTER HIM.
BUT I DOUBT TRUMP'S GOING TO FIND ANY UKRAINIAN DIRT ON MITT
ROMNEY.
( AS UKRAINIAN )
ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT ONCE, IN 1997, MITT ROMNEY TOOK A SIP OF
COFFEE THAT HE THOUGHT WAS DECAF."
( LAUGHTER )
AH, YEAH."
YEAH-DA.
BUT ROMNEY IS WILLING TO PUT UP WITH WHATEVER THE BLOWBACK FOR
THIS DECISION IS.
>> DOES ANYONE SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT I WOULD CONSENT TO THESE
CONSEQUENCES, OTHER THAN FROM AN INESCAPABLE CONVICTION THAT MY
OATH BEFORE GOD DEMANDED OF ME?
>> Stephen: YES, HIS FAITH COMPELS HIM TO VOTE FOR
IMPEACHMENT.
AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THE OLD TESTAMENT DOES SAY THAT YOU
SHOULD WORSHIP GOD, NOT GOLDEN COWS.
SO WHY--
WHY-- IT'S TRUE.
>> Jon: COME ON, NOW!
>> Stephen: SO WHY IS HE THE LONE REPUBLICAN WILLING TO GO
AGAINST THIS PRESIDENT THAT MANY OTHER G.O.P. SENATORS HAVE
ADMITTED IS GUILTY?
MITT?
>> AS A SENATOR-JUROR, I SWORE AN OATH, BEFORE GOD, TO EXERCISE
"IMPARTIAL JUSTICE."
I AM PROFOUNDLY RELIGIOUS.
MY FAITH IS AT THE HEART OF WHO I AM.
I TAKE AN OATH BEFORE GOD AS ENORMOUSLY CONSEQUENTIAL.
WERE I TO IGNORE THE EVIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN PRESENTED AND
DISREGARD WHAT I BELIEVE MY OATH AND THE CONSTITUTION DEMANDS OF
ME FOR THE SAKE OF A PARTISAN END, IT WOULD, I FEAR, EXPOSE MY
CHARACTER TO HISTORY'S REBUKE AND THE CENSURE OF MY OWN
CONSCIENCE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, IN MY OWN SMALL WAY I TRY TO HUFF MY
FAITH.
AND OVER THE YEARS I'VE MADE A LOT OF FUN OF MITT ROMNEY, A LOT
OF JOKES ABOUT HIM.
THE DOG ON THE ROOF.
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, MY FRIEND.
BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN.
BUT-- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY-- AFTER SEEING THAT
SPEECH, I WOULD DO ALL THOSE JOKES AGAIN BECAUSE THAT'S OATH
I TOOK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT-- BUT-- BUT I DO WANT TO SAY
THAT WAS AN INSPIRING SPEECH BECAUSE HEARING MITT ROMNEY TAKE
HIS OATH TO GOD SERIOUSLY WAS LIKE FINDING WATER IN THE
DESERT.
BECAUSE WE KNOW REPUBLICANS ARE LYING WHEN THEY SAY THAT TRUMP
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG OR THAT MAYBE HE DID BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE
REMOVED.
EVERY PERSON WHO LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE AND WRITES A BOOK
ABOUT IT, EVERY JOURNALIST WHO GETS A PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN--
LIKE THE TWO WE HAD LAST NIGHT-- TELL US THE REPUBLICANS
PRIVATELY ARE HORRIFIED AND WANT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP
HIM.
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD WHEN IT
MATTERS.
THAT'S WHY AN OATH IS IMPORTANT.
OATHS MAY NOT MEAN A LOT TO SOME PEOPLE.
BUT WHEN YOU TAKE AN OATH, YOU SAY ONE THING AND THINK ANOTHER.
YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO WITNESS, ON THE PAIN OF YOUR IMMORTAL
SOUL, THAT WHAT YOU WHISPER IN YOUR HEART IS WHAT COMES OUT OF
YOUR MOUTH BUT THOSE OF THESE GRIEZ TALK OUT THEIR ASS.
IN ROBERT BOLT'S "A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS," THE MAIN CHARACTER,
THOMAS MORE, IS THE LONE VOICE OPPOSING HENRY VIII, A BLOATED,
GOLDEN CHILD, WHO NONE DARED GAINSAY, WHO DESTROYED ANYONE
WHO DID NOT FOLLOW HIM BLINDLY, AND THEN WHEN THEY HADN'T
DESTROYED, A LOT OF PEOPLE FOLLOWED HIM BLINDLY ANYWAY.
IN THE PLAY, MORE SAYS THIS TO HIS DAUGHTER, "WHEN A MAN TAKES
AN OATH, HE'S HOLDING HIS OWN SELF IN HIS OWN HANDS, LIKE
WATER.
AND IF HE OPENS HIS FINGERS, THEN, HE NEEDN'T HOPE TO FIND
HIMSELF AGAIN."
WELL, WITH THE LONE EXCEPTION OF MITT ROMNEY, I THINK THE
REPUBLICANS HAVE JUST OPENED THEIR FINGERS.
THEY WILL BE MISSED.
SO PLEASE JOIN ME IN THANKING MITT ROMNEY FOR BEING HONEST,
FOR NOT LYING TO US OR HIMSELF, FOR SERVING THE CONSTITUTION
RATHER THAN THAT MONSTROUS CHILD IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHY CAN'T HE BE PRESIDENT?
THANKS, OBAMA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, AGAIN, I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANY OF THAT STUFF.
SO, JIM, LET'S GO BACK TO OUR TOP STORY AGAIN BECAUSE WE HAVE
A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JIM CARREY IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"