♪♪
-Hey, everybody.
I'm just gonna come around and say
I don't know how today's gonna go.
I'm feeling a little out of sorts.
It's lauded, not "louded."
Nevada, not "Nevahda."
We showed a picture of Grimace's skeleton.
Someone wrote, "Grimace wouldn't have a skeleton,
because he's an eggplant."
And I thought, "That can't be possible."
I mean, though he is kind of a dick,
but it's grosser 'cause I dug into it,
and according to a McDonald's manager a few years ago,
Grimace is based on a taste bud.
And if that's true, Grimace is just a terrible name.
Anyway, next time you look at Grimace,
he's that.
[ Laughter ]
I know you might not see Grimace there,
but we did get a little bit closer on a taste bud,
and you see him a little bit better there.
[ Laughter ]
I showed a picture yesterday,
I guess, of a baby with a goatee
and said, "This has been 'Seth puts a goatee on a baby
because the news is so bad'," some version of that.
Way too many of you jumped out
and said you didn't put a goatee on a baby,
graphics did.
Don't.
Don't make them your friends.
[ Laughter ]
I see what you're doing, but don't.
Don't be the teen girl in a '50s movie
who starts dating the bad boy to make your parents mad.
Just don't do it.
Baze and I talked about this after last week's correction.
We talked about, and a lot of you were surprised --
Timmy never fell down the well in the TV show "Lassie."
Which is weird because I think it's what a lot of us
would think was most certainly a thing that happened
on the show "Lassie."
And this is known as the Mandela effect,
which is when we believe a thing to be true
that didn't actually happen.
It was coined in 2009 by a woman who believed that,
in the '80s, Nelson Mandela had died in jail.
And then she realized that a lot of other people
shared that memory of a thing that didn't happen.
And so a lot of people have made a list
of certain things that we get wrong,
such as Timmy falling in a well,
that are examples of the Mandela effect.
Some famous film and TV quotes.
for example, the line is not, "Luke, I am your father."
The line is, "No, I am your father."
That surprised me -- wouldn't you think,
based on every piece of comedy you've seen,
it's "Luke, I am your father"?
"Beam me up, Scotty,"
never uttered on the show "Star Trek."
The closest was, "Scotty, beam me up."
Obviously, the same point,
but I would have put money on the fact that it was
"Beam me up, Scotty."
And this shocked me the most of all,
I guess, on this show,
I've never actually said, "It's time for 'A Closer Look.'"
I say, "Now do 'A Closer Look.'
I don't see why not."
[ Laughter ]
Pence -- we had a version of Pence getting beamed up.
Built in transitions here in today's corrections.
But we said, "Beam me up, Scotty."
And you know, again, Mandela effect.
And we use the effect, the beaming effect from
"Star Trek: The Next Generation,"
which, of course, Scotty wasn't in.
He was in the original.
So for the person who pointed that out,
I am sorry
[Nerdy voice] that you're a nerd. [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] We mentioned "Doctor Who,"
and the "Doctor Who" fans
reached out to say we did a great job.
No corrections needed. Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
We mentioned Werther's Originals,
the caramel hard candy.
It's a German company.
I was told by --
And I'm very happy that we have international viewers.
Let me start by that.
But sometimes I think they make a correction
based on their language, not ours,
that the correct way to pronounce Werther's --
the "H" is silent
and the "W" is pronounced like a "V".
So, "Verter's," but I'm not gonna do that.
[ Laughter ]
I would only do that if I was saying,
[ Imitating German accent ] "You will give me the name
of your network of agents.
I recommend you do so by the time I finished
this 'Verter's.'"
[ Laughter ]
"You have more than an hour." [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Conserve, conserving.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Werther's -- "Verter's" --
we talked about how,
if you shot Wether's -- "Verter's" -- out of a gun,
it would puncture Kevlar.
And someone wrote this.
"Anything can penetrate Kevlar if it's going fast enough.
The speed that a Werther's -- 'Verter's' -- Original
would have to go to penetrate Kevlar
is 37,908.55 meters per second or 84,799.011 miles per hour,
which is almost 111 times the speed of sound in air.
This would make a Werther's -- 'Verter's' -- Original
the third-fastest manmade object ever,
placing it behind a manhole cover --
look it up -- and before the Voyager 1
deep-space probe, with more than twice
Voyager 1's speed.
Sincerely, a jackal with a calculator."
A jackal with a calculator, or as we call them,
"a jaculater."
[ Laughter ]
They get off on doing their math problems.
[ Laughter ]
I have to correct my own bad manners.
Our dear friend, colleague, Jimmy Kimmel
tested positive for COVID. Had to miss some shows.
Came back on Monday, and in the monologue
spoke very kindly about how many people reached out.
Different late-night hosts went so far as,
say Stephen Colbert,
who does not surprise me, a lovely man, sent him soup.
He then went on to say that I did not reach out at all.
I have since reached out to apologize, but I do --
I'm also gonna fix this soup problem, and, uh, I...
Devastated that I...
[ Laughter ]
...didn't think to do that.
But we're gonna get it out to our friend.
Some yummy soup.
Apologies, Jimmy. Get well soon.
And get well soon to our friend Stephen Colbert, as well.
COVID does seem to want to come
for the late-night hosts.
Milli Vanilli.
Sore subject, especially for Shoemaker.
Used to travel around.
You were like a Deadhead for Milli Vanilli.
[ Laughter ]
After.
You started following them after the scandal.
[ Laughter ]
"They got grit."
[ Laughter ]
"Lot of people can't sing, don't make it as singers."
Um...
So anyway, we had a Milli Vanilli reference
in the show, and then this was just an accident,
but we played the track early, before the callback, and I said,
you know, that's what --
that's how they caught Milli Vanilli --
they played the track early.
And we were playing "Blame It on the Rain."
So, couple of things. Turns out people remember this.
The song was "Girl, You Know It's True,"
and it didn't start early. It skipped.
That's how they caught Milli Vanilli.
And I think, if you've ever watched it,
it is -- it's crazy, because they know in the moment
they're screwed.
And it went a little bit like this.
[ Mouthing ] ♪ Girl, you know it's true ♪
♪ True, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true ♪
♪ True, true, true, true, true ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ I love you ♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Laughter ]
A lot of people have been saying, "Where's Wally?"
We're not talking about Wally enough,
I guess, on the show. And, um...
[ Laughter ]
But we do try to keep an eye out for Wally,
to try to answer that question, "Where's Wally?"
You might remember H.R.-gate...
[ Laughter ]
...where Wally joined a Zoom about H.R.,
Behavior in the Workplace, and, uh...
chose to do it in bed -- just a tiny little head
in the corner of the frame.
And we've given him a lot -- you know, we've given him
a lot of stick about that,
and I think it was time to move on.
But then Wally was discovered
waiting for his COVID test results.
I did not take these photos.
[ Laughter ]
But I had them sent to me.
Wally once again just making himself comfortable.
[ Laughter ]
Just look at --
If we can zoom in, just how happy Wally is.
[ Laughter ]
Uh...
And I was like, "What were you --
What were you on the phone doing?"
You know what he told me? "I was doing my makeup H.R."
[ Laughter ]
Also, we talked about a --
that Trump would make a hurricane wall in Texas
out of -- out of Werther's -- "Verter's" --
and people pointed out that if you made a hurricane wall --
This is what graphics made for us.
A hurricane wall --
You would want to make a hurricane wall
against the ocean.
That's where the hurricane would come from.
And instead, what they did is, they made like a cage
to catch the hurricane... [ Laughter ]
...and keep it from dissipating
and spreading out into other states.
So basically your friends from graphics
sentenced Texas to death.
[ Laughter ]
All right, I'm gonna --
I'm not gonna call him anymore.
I'm just gonna write Andy and see if he's around.
Uh...
"I'm just gonna do this now. You're on for 'Corrections,'"
but I also want to read what he texted me last week,
obviously, during "Corrections."
He wrote, "I'm naked. Just got out of shower.
Tell them I got Queen Bee."
And then we finished "Corrections,"
and I was leaving, and he wrote again,
"Did you tell them?" Very important.
And then I wrote, "I did." And he wrote,
"But did you couch it in a burn? I'm fine with it either way."
And then I wrote, "There was an eyeroll,
but I did say it like you wrote it," which I did.
I read it exactly that.
And he wrote, "And that I was naked?"
Question mark, question mark, question mark.
And I wrote, "Yeah."
And then Andy wrote, "Did everyone get boners?"
[ Laughter ]
"Did everyone get boners???"
And I wrote, "I'll follow up next week."
And he wrote, "Joke's on them. If they did, I look like crap."
[ Laughter ]
All right.
Last thing. Might not hear back from him.
Probably should have texted him earlier.
You know, like I said, I'm out of sorts today.
This is very lovely, though.
And I think it speaks to a kind of best and worst
of what we're dealing with with our -- with this whole --
I don't know -- this whole thing.
Someone wrote, "If there's anyone from the Late Night team
reading this --" there was -- me --
"Seth was supposed to perform in Manchester, New Hampshire,
right as COVID started --" true --
"and the show was postponed."
Also true. "When it was rescheduled,
like a year and a half later, my best friend that was supposed
to go with me the first time couldn't make it.
And I asked a friend/co-worker who has a really great sense
of humor to come with me last-minute.
He and I are now getting married in July.
And it is a direct result of hanging out at the show.
Thank you, Seth, for giving me my husband."
So lovely.
And I just want to say congratulations to you both.
This wasn't the right place to write that.
[ Laughter ]
Now we have, of course, good people
amongst the jackals who live in the comments.
One of them wrote, "This is lovely.
Hope you find all the happiness in the world together."
Appropriate. Kind of thing you should say.
Another jackal thought,
"Oh, they want to know what I think."
They wrote, "You're getting married
after less than a year of dating?"
[ Laughter ]
Bro, take it up with me.
But leave those people alone.
But then there's my favorite kind of people,
which is the jackals for the jackals,
who wrote, "They're co-workers.
They've probably known each other a few years."
[ Laughter ]
Mostly, I'm just very happy for them.
I'm sorry we don't have Samberg.
Hold on. I'm gonna try my other one.
[ FaceTime ringing ]
This person lives in L.A.,
and last week, after -- after -- 'cause I don't plan ahead,
I wrote, "Hey, I called you for 'Corrections,'"
and they said, "Oh, remember, I'm in L.A.
I was probably asleep."
And I was like, "Well, we do it at 5:00."
[ Laughter ]
And they said, "Yeah."
[ Laughter ]
We had a lot of fun today.
We're going to come back hard next week and...
I'm pretty happy about this one.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
We'll see you next week.