♪ Zack Morris Is Trash ♪
(Bell Ringing)
- Zack Morris is the writer/director of a bad student film.
He's abusing his power and harassing his crew for fun.
Slater politely thanks Belding for the new school camera.
He tells them to be careful
because it took two years to save up for it.
Zack lies and says it's in good hands.
Zack's alien invader C-movie is hot garbage.
Atrocious writing, laughable costumes.
Not even Kelly can save it.
Zack has no control over his actors
and Screech chips a tooth ad-libbing.
Zack throws a hissy fit,
unprofessional,
and breaks the camera he swore he'd protect.
Jessie is furious.
She's student president,
And a broken camera on her watch
will shatter her reputation.
Kelly suggests buying a replacement,
but the gang is $1,100 short.
Zack says they should do the responsible thing here
and blame Jessie.
Screech is reading a tabloid
about a man getting abducted by bees.
Zack says this shady paper will pay $1,500
for a picture of an alien,
enough for a new camera!
This gives Zack a great idea.
Jessie is wearing a disguise at school
in anticipation of Zack
framing her for property destruction.
Zack blows her cover.
Belding wants to know where the camera is.
Zack pulls a new one out of his ass.
I mean bag.
I mean ass.
Slater can't believe the tabloid bought Screech as an alien!
A man in a cheap jacket says he has some questions for Zack.
Zack says he must be from the newspaper!
Uh, yeah, sure, newspaper.
He says if Zack can arrange a meeting with an alien
he'll pay $10,000 dollars.
This gives Zack a greed boner.
Zack wants a moment of privacy
to discuss his greedyrection.
Jessie says they already got lucky once.
Why push it?
Kelly says he'll never believe Screech is an alien.
Zack says this rube will believe anything,
then tells the sucker to get the money ready
because the alien meeting is on.
"Lieutenant Thompson"
reports back to base.
Screech got his tooth filled,
and now his skull picks up radio stations.
It's fun for a second, then never-ending misery.
Zack tells Screech to go along with his intergalactic fraud,
tempting him with all the life-changing things
he can do with his share of the loot,
a grand total of $1,600.
Lieutenant Thompson tells Belding
he's undercover from the Air Force
investigating an alien seen by Zack Morris.
Belding laughs but still leaves him
with Zack's huge file to cooperate.
Screech comes in to drop off his dentist note.
The lieutenant hears strange noises
coming from his mouth and interrogates him,
causing Screech to run for his life.
Screech is nervous,
but Zack tells him to relax.
What could possibly go wrong tricking a stranger
who showed no ID offering five-figure cash to meet an alien?
Then Zack has everybody's favorite magic waiter
do some out-of-this-world tricks!
Just kidding, they suck.
Zack says this bad magic is a good start,
but they need more bad magic.
Harry Houdiner has some ideas.
Zack breaks into school to put on a stupid magic show
that's mostly just fog and Screech in his bad costume.
Mr. Thompson's buying it
until Screech's cheap getup falls apart.
He hears the radio coming from Screech's mouth,
recognizes him, and the jig is up.
Mr. Thompson wants to know
who these kids think they're fooling.
Screech says he's not a kid.
He's Zorch.
Then rips off his face mask to reveal an alien mask.
Mr. Thompson says he knew
he was actually an alien this whole time,
while Zack smugly celebrates behind his back.
He says once they get Zorch back to Washington,
everyone's getting a medal.
But when Zack mentions that 10 grand,
he says "We'll see".
"That's up to Uncle Sam."
Because Mr. Thompson is in the Air Force.
And he's taking this creature in for immediate dissection.
Screech runs for his life for the second time that day.
Screech is up late typing his will.
Zack tells him to keep it down
and he'll have this whole dissection thing
straightened out by tomorrow, probably,
once he squares away those 10 g's.
Screech says his prayers before bed,
visibly annoying Zack as he talks to God about dying.
Mr. Belding thinks the idea
that Screech is an alien is preposterous.
Mr. Thompson says Belding is just covering,
and unless he wants to mess with the government,
he better produce that alien by three o'clock.
Belding is anxious,
but Zack assures him this plan
to save his friend's life is solid.
Screech emerges from the locker Zack stuffed him in.
Mr. Thompson says he's not falling
for Screech's human mask again.
Then Zack has everyone in school
spook Mr. Thompson with very bad Screech masks
to say they're all aliens?
A plan that makes zero sense,
because these masks look fake as hell,
and Zack and Belding put theirs on
in front of Mr. Thompson.
And all they had to do was have Screech
show Mr. Thompson the alien mask,
which he does, which gets rid of him right away,
so seriously, what the fuck
was the point of all these masks?
Zack says Mr. Thompson will be back in a minute
because he pickpocketed his car keys
in case his zero-sense mask plan failed.
Only Mr. Thompson doesn't come back.
We never see him ever again,
because the shame of returning to D.C.
after being duped by a teenage sociopath
was too much to handle
and he probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris lost control of his terrible student film,
breaking a valuable piece of school equipment,
and forcing his friend to get oral surgery
that put radio waves in his brain.
Then sold a picture of that friend
as an alien to buy a replacement camera.
Then believed a man in a cheap jacket
really had $10,000 dollars to spend
on an E.T. meet and greet.
And relying on magic tricks from a cheeseburger waiter,
attempted to trick him with a mask on top of a mask,
which bought his best friend a one-way ticket
to a government dissection table.
And instead of coming clean right away,
he needed a night to think about a way
to maybe still get that $10,000
while his friend was grappling with dying.
Then got the principal implicated
in his government deception,
along with the entire student body,
with a plan that made absolutely zero sense
when his best friend's life was on the line.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris Is Trash ♪
(Bell Ringing)