his is the third time in the last few years that TMNT, my all-time favorite multimedia
franchise, has been handed to someone I expected to sh*t on it.
First, it was Nickelodeon.
No way they’re gonna do a good TMNT series, right?
They’re the ones who killed Ren & Stimpy.
But not only did they do a good TMNT series, they’ve done the best TMNT series.
That was one.
Next, there was Michael Bay.
What an asshole, right?
No way Mr. Megan Fox is gonna do a good TMNT movie.
He thinks they're f*cking space aliens.
But guess what.
Michael Bay did a pretty fun TMNT movie.
And that was two.
Which brings us…to Activision.
This is three.
Only it’s more like strike three.
Activision’s had the TMNT license for a while now, and it seems their main goal has
been to make games that feel like a sewer.
This game feels like a sewer.
Look, I don’t know when this license expires…but goddamn, Nickelodeon.
I’d be shopping, if I were you.
This is ridiculous.
And like, why can’t we have good Ninja Turtles games anymore?
Seriously.
It seems like the simplest formula in the world.
2D, hand-drawn, cool moves, some leveling up.
That’s it, that’s four things that would make a great TMNT game.
It takes more stuff to make pizza.
Instead, we get this.
Ugh…where do ‘dey come up wit’ dis stuff?
So what is TMNT?
Well, I guess it’s an action game…even though it’s kind of not.
I mean, there’s not as much action here as the term “action game” would seem to
imply.
Unless you consider pushing the same button over and over to be “action.”
In which case, what do you need this for?
Next time you’re at a crosswalk, just mash the f*cking walk button.
That’s literally the same thing as this.
Only with real-life consequences.
Which are always the most interesting consequences.
The most interesting thing that happens here is that the player is literally wasting entire
minutes of their lives…with no obvious motivation for doing so.
Now that’s interesting.
So you can switch to any Turtle, any time you want, and each one has its own abilities.
Which sounds great, right?
Having four different Turtles, and finding one that fits you, and…oh, what’s that?
The swapping thing is kind of pointless?
Oh, well that sucks.
But it’s true.
I mean, there are differences.
Like, Mikey throws ninja stars, Raph’s the tank, Donnie’s got the longest reach…and
Leo’s balanced.
But unfortunately, switching between the Turtles is just a situational thing.
Gotta fight a boss?
Switch to Raph.
Getting attacked from a distance?
Switch to Mikey.
It’s not like there’s any thought involved, or any nuance…
It’s, just…oh, here’s your Raph spot.
Boy, how thrilling was that?
So how’s the combat?
Well, like I said, it’s one button.
Every Turtle has one attack, with one button.
That you mash.
Eventually, you can level up and add more attacks, which you can map to different buttons…but
even then, it’s a shallow game.
And it’s not like it compensates for its shallow gameplay by having awesome level design,
or great graphics and sound…
I’d rather be in a real sewer than these empty, boring pipes.
And the game looks totally unremarkable.
The characters are like those mini-figures from the quarter machines.
If you squint, they kind of look like the Ninja Turtles.
I guess, if there’s anything worthwhile here…it’s the game’s RPG elements.
You can level up your Turtles and unlock new attacks and abilities, which is awesome…and
for some reason, it’s also got a crafting system.
So you can collect materials…and like…create new weapons from scratch.
Like it’s f*cking Middle Earth, or something.
No clue why that’s in here.
But in practice, it’s at least something, you know?
This game needs lots of something.
That’s at least some of something.
This feels like someone kind of had an idea for a Turtles game, but not really.
So they made something that’s kind of like an idea, and threw in weapon crafting for
good measure.
Because why not, at this point?
That’s this game in a turtle shell—why not?
We’ve already done a crap game based on the TV show, let’s do one for the movie,
too.
Freaking jerks.
I like the idea of a dungeon-crawling-ish, RPG-ish TMNT action game, but that’s only
gonna work if it’s a good action game.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the Nintendo 3DS…is not.