FOLKS IT'S AN EXCITING NIGHT.
YOU KNOW THE MIDTERMS ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY, AND ONE OF
THE MOST CLOSELY WATCHED RACES IS DOWN IN TEXAS AND FEATURES MY
GUEST TONIGHT DEMOCRATIC SENATE CANDIDATE, AND MAN WHO'S EITHER
20 OR 40, BETO O'ROURKE.
HE'S RUNNING--
WE'VE GOT SOME BETO-HEADS TONIGHT.
BETO IS RUNNING IN TEXAS AGAINST INCUMBENT SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE
CAMPAIGN STAFF IS PROBABLY WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT
NOW, TED CRUZ.
AND IT'S CLOSE, WHICH IS SCARING REPUBLICANS.
SO EARLIER THIS SUMMER, IN ORDER TO SAVE THE CRUZ CAMPAIGN, TEXAS
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DAN PATRICK SHOWED UP IN WASHINGTON TO
DELIVER AN URGENT PLEA TO WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS: SEND PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN YOU NEED BACKUP FROM A MAN WITH A 36%
APPROVAL RATING.
THEIR BACKUP PLAN IS A CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT FROM THE HERPES
VIRUS.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW-- HERE'S HOW SCARED
TED CRUZ IS OF BETO O'ROURKE: HE BOUGHT ADS ON MY SHOW TONIGHT
TO COUNTER HIS INTERVIEW.
I ASSUME-- I ASSUME IT'S FOR HIS CAMPAIGN AND NOT FOR HIS
PATENTED LINE OF REPTILE MOISTURIZERS, CRUZ'S OOZES.
( LAUGHTER ) "NO MORE DRY LEG, JOHNNY
IGUANA!" >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: AND HE DOES SEEM-- CRUZ DOES SEEM MOIST ALL TIME.
AND THE TEXAS G.O.P. HAS BEEN LAUNCHING PERSONAL ATTACKS ON
O'ROURKE, LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO, WHEN THEY TWEETED, "MAYBE BETO
CAN'T DEBATE TED CRUZ BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD PLANS," ALONGSIDE
THIS PHOTO OF BETO FROM HIS PUNK ROCK DAYS.
YES, HIS PLANS WERE BEING SMOKING HOT IN A NAUGHTY BUT
APPROACHABLE SORT OF WAY, LIKE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S OLDER BROTHER
WHO SMELLS LIKE WEED AND LISTENS TO RADIOHEAD.
READ US YOUR POEMS, BETO!
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE ONLINE SEEMED TO LIKE THE
FACT THAT BETO WAS IN A COOL PUNK BAND AND POINTED OUT THAT
TED CRUZ PLAYED ADAM IN A MIME PERFORMANCE OF THE CHRISTIAN
CREATION STORY WHEN HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY INCLUDED THIS PICTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO YOU DO A MIME PERFORMANCE
OF THE CREATION STORY?
"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH, AND
GOD SAID... NOTHING, FOR HE WAS TRAPPED IN AN INVISIBLE BOX."
( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. TRIED AGAIN BY
TWEETING OUT THIS MUG SHOT OF HIS DRUNK DRIVING ARREST 20
YEARS AGO.
NOW, THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR DRUNK DRIVING, AND BETO HAS
APOLOGIZED.
BUT POSTING THIS MUG SHOT BACKFIRED ON THE G.O.P., AS
SOME PEOPLE RESPONDED WITH TWEETS LIKE "WHY'D THEY TWEET
THIS PHOTO OF BETO LOOKING HOT AS (BLEEP)," AND "BETO SLIDE
INTO MY D.M.'S THO," AND "I JUST ACCIDENTALLY REFERRED TO BETO
O'ROURKE AS 'DADDY BETO' IN FRONT OF MY ACTUAL FATHER, AND
HE IS VERY CONFUSED AND CONCERNED."
( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF THIS EXPLAINS BETO'S NEW
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, "BETO FOR SENATE: GET THIRSTY FOR THIS HOT
ZADDY TO BEAT IT UP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN-- NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
I HAVE NO-- NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> Jon: YOU DON'T KNOW?
>> Stephen: NO IDEA.
THEN, TED CRUZ LAUNCHED A NEW LINE OF ATTACK AGAINST BETO WITH
THIS AD: >> BETO O'ROURKE WANTS TO BE A
SENATOR >> (BLEEP) THAT!
>> SO, HE'S SHOWING UP ACROSS TEXAS, SHARING HIS WIT.
>> HOW (BLEEP) UP IS THAT?
>> HIS WISDOM.
>> WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE THESE GUYS DOING?
>> AND HIS CHARACTER.
>> I REALLY (BLEEP) UP.
>> BETO O'ROURKE: HE'S SHOWING THE (BLEEP) UP.
>> Stephen: YEAH, OKAY, REMEMBER THAT.
BETO IS A DIRTY-MINDED POTTY MOUTH.
YOU MUST PROTECT THE VALUES OF TEXAS, AND VOTE FOR THE MAN WHO
LIKES THREESOME PORN ON TWITTER.
I'LL BE TALKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS LATER WITH BAD BOY BETO
O'ROURKE HIMSELF.
AS LONG AS HE SHOWS THE (BLEEP) UP.