IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY, WHICH IS ALWAYS SPECIAL HERE
AT "THE LATE SHOW," BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN WE DO "FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS," WHERE I DEBATE THE OUTCOMES OF ALL-OUT BATTLES
BETWEEN ANY TWO THINGS, LIKE A GERBIL VERSUS A HAMSTER,
THELMA VERSUS LOUISE, OR YOUR IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND FROM CANADA
VERSUS YOUR IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND FROM SUMMER CAMP.
THAT'S A TOUGH ONE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH OLYMPIC GYMNASTS.
THEN WE LET YOU DECIDE THE OUTCOME BY POSTING THOSE
MATCH-UPS ON TWITTER, AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE PLACE FOR UNINFORMED
VERBAL ABUSE.
NOW'S THE TIME.
THIS IS: >> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FIRST UP, LET'S LOOK
AT THE RESULTS FROM OUR LAST SMACKDOWN.
MY OPPONENT WAS PAUL F. TOMPKINS AND OUR FIGHT PITTED THE
ANIMATRONIC CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND VERSUS THE KNIGHTS OF MEDIEVAL
TIMES.
MR. F. TOMPKINS WENT WITH THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND, AND THE
WINNER WAS A 50-50 TIE!
NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
OF COURSE, AS PER THE RULES, ALL TIES ARE SETTLED THE TRADITIONAL
WAY: WITH A TWO-CENTURY BLOOD FEUD BETWEEN OUR DESCENDENTS.
QUICK NOTE TO MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDAUGHTER, I
DON'T CARE IF YOU LOVE HIM!
THEY ARE NOT GOOD PEOPLE!
NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET TONIGHT'S OPPONENT.
HE'S AN ACTOR, COMEDIAN AND RETIRED MARINE LIEUTENANT
COLONEL.
YOU KNOW HIM FROM "THE DAILY SHOW," AND MOVIES LIKE "THE
HANGOVER," "21 JUMP STREET," AND "MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
2."
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR ROB RIGGLE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE A SEAT.
HAVE A SEAT, ROB.
HAVE A SEAT.
ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, ROB >> GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS"?
YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU READY TO THROW DOWN, YOU READY TO DO IT?
>> I'M SO READY FOR THE SMACK DOWN.
OUR FIRST MATCH-UP: CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST VERSUS THE GIRL
FROM THE RING.
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE, ROB.
STARTING WITH CASPER, COMING IN AT NO WEIGHT BECAUSE HE IS AN
ETHEREAL SPECTER, THIS DEAD CARTOON'S STRENGTHS
INCLUDE: THE ABILITY TO WALK THROUGH WALLS, THE POWERS OF
FLIGHT AND INVISIBILITY, AND HAS PROBABLY MET JESUS.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE: FOR A GHOST, HE'S JUST NOT THAT SCARY.
AND HE BETTER BE CAIFL BECAUSE HE'S GOING UP AGAINST ONE OF
THE SCARIEST GHOSTS OF ALL TIME, THE GIRL FROM THE RING!
COMING IN THROUGH YOUR TELEVISION, THIS LIL' CREEPER
DOESN'T HAVE TO KILL YOU, JUST DRIVE YOU INSANE UNTIL YOU DIE.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE: CAN POP OUT OF ANY SCREEN, INCLUDING YOUR
iPHONE WHEN YOU'RE ON THE TOILET.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE: IMPAIRED VISIBILITY DUE TO UNTRIMMED
BANGS.
ALL RIGHT, ROB, THERE YOU HAVE IT, CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST
VERSUS THE GIRL FROM THE RIPPING.
WHO DO YOU GOT.
>>> QUITE A CARD TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: OH, MAN.
>> I'M GOING WITH CASPER, ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: CASPER?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON.
UP TO THE FINISH THAT NAME.
CASPER THE DEADLY GHOST?
NO, CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'S A FRIENDLY GHOST.
HE DOESN'T HAVE THE FIGHT.
>> OH, SIR I BEG TO DIFFER, ALL RIGHT.
THIS THING IS OVER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED.
>> Stephen: SO YOU SURRENDER.
>> NO!
( LAUGHTER ) THE RING GIRL CAN'T GET YOU
UNLESS YOU WATCH HER ON A VHS TAPE, AM I CORRECT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
>> WHO WATCHES VHS TAIPPEDZ ANYMORE!
NOBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
YES!
AND, AND, IF YOU WANT TO KILL HER, JUST LEAVE HER ON THE DASH
ON A HOT DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ON THE DASHBOARD.
SHE'LL MELT.
OR A NICE MAGNET, PERHAPS.
AND IT'S ALL OVER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM, OKAY.
MAYBE CASPER GOES VISITS AN OLD PURPOSE.
HE'S FRIENDLY.
HE VISITSOLE PEOPLE.
THEY MIGHT HAVE A VHS TAPE.
HE PUTS THAT IN THERE, THE GIRL COMES OUT OF THE WELL, STARES AT
HIM, EVEN IF HE WINS THE FIGHT, SEVEN DAYS LATER HE'S DEAD FROM
INSANITY.
HE'S CASPER THE INSANE GHOST AFTER THAT.
HE DOES NOT HAVE THE FIGHT.
HE DOES NOT HAVE THE RAGE.
>> SIR, DRAGGING ELDERLY INTO THIS IS BENEATH YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY THAT HAPPENS.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPIN THE TV TOWARDS A FIREPLACE.
SHE CRAWLZ INTO THE FIRE, GAME OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW IF
SHE'S FLAMMABLE.
WE DON'T KNOW IF GHOSTS ARE FLAMMABLE.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN THE WARDROBE AND THE HAIR, THAT OIL, GREASY
HAIR.
THAT'S A FLASH FIRE WAITING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS LOOK AT YOU.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO TOUCH YOU, SHE LOOKS AT YOU, YOU GO
INSANE, SEVEN DAYS LATER YOU'RE DEAD.
SHE'S WELL LIT.
SHE'S ON FIRE.
>> THAT'S IF SHE GETS OUT OF THE VHS BOX WHICH HAS CINDY CRAWFORD
WORKOUT TAPES AND "MISS DOUBT FIRE" NEXT TO HER.
>> Stephen: CASPER DOES NOT HAVE FIRE IN THE BELLY.
HE'S NOT MAD ABOUT ANYTHING.
HE HAS NO RAGE.
>> WRONG AGAIN AND THIS IS WHERE I GO FROM CHECK TO CHECKMATE.
ALL HE'S GOT IS RAGE.
CASPER IS RAGE PERSONIFIED.
HE IS SO ANGRY-- STEPHEN, NO GENITALIA!
>> Stephen: YES, HE DOES.
>> NO GENITALIA.
>> Stephen: IT'S THAT WISPY THING AT THE BOTTOM OF HIM.
>> THAT'S NOT JEOPITALIA.
>> Stephen: IT'S HIS THING!
THEY JUST COOPERATE TELL US BECAUSE IT WAS FOR KIDS.
THEY COULDN'T LET US KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
>> BECAUSE IT'S NOT.
HE DIED BEFORE PUBERTY.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU COKNOW YOU HAVE GENITALIA BEFORE PUBERTY,
RIGHT?
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL US?
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'RE TRYING ON TELL US.
>> NOT EVERYBODY HAD GENITALIA BEFORE PUBERTY.
>> Stephen: A LATE BLOOMER, ARE WE?
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO PICK A WINNER, AMERICA.
GET ON TWITTER AND VOTE.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT, CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST VERSUS THE
GIRL FROM THE RING?
YOU READY TO DO THIS?
WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
YOU HAVE ANY FIGHT LEFT IN YOU.
OUR NEXT FIGHT IS A PREVIEW OF THIS WEEKEND'S N.C.C.A.
BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT.
WE'RE NOT PREDICTING THE GAMES.
NO ONE CAN PREDICT THAT.
THAT'S PART OF THE MADNESS.
THIS IS A MATCHUP BETWEEN THE FOUR TEAM NAMES.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT, THE VILLANOVA WILDCAT VERSUS THE
SYRACUSE ORANGE VERSUS THE OKLAHOMA SOONERS VERSUS THE
NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEELS, ALL FACING OFF IN A THUNDERDOME?
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
HAILING FROM PENNSYLVANIA, IT'S THE VILLANOVA WILDCAT, GOT BIG
NASTY TEETH, BUT SINCE IT'S A PARASITES.
FIGHTING HIM WILL BE OTTO THE ORANGE FROM SYRACUSE, COMBINING
ALL THE POWERS OF MAN WITH THE CLEANING POWER OF CITRUS.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE: PEOPLE ALWAYS BUY ORANGES BUT THEN JUST
LEAVE THEM TO SHRIVEL IN THE CRISPER.
ALSO IN THE DOME?
OKLAHOMA SOONERS!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS OR DOES.
BUT IT'S OKLAHOMA, SO I'M GOING TO SAY STRENGTHS ARE WIND COMES
WEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN.
WEAKNESSES PROBABLY INCLUDE DUST.
FINALLY, NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEEL, A FOOT WITH TAR ON IT.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE: STRONG TRACTION. WEAKNESSES INCLUDE:
LACKS REST OF LEG, OTHER LEG, ARMS, BODY, AND HEAD.
ROB, WHO MAKES IT OUT OF THE THUNDERDOME ALIVE?
>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU STARTED OUT RIGHT BY PUTTING IT IN THE
THUNDERDOME YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE TO PUT A CAGE ON TOP OF THAT THING.
>> THIS IS TOO BIG NOT TO BE IN A THUNDERDOME.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOME.
ALL WE WANT IS ♪ LIFE BEYOND THE THUNDERDOME ♪
WHO GETS OUT OF THE THUNDER COMB?
WHO DO YOU LIKE?
>> I'M GOING WITH THE ORANGE.
>> Stephen: ORANGE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE BETTING ON A PIECE OF FRUIT.
I'M GOING WITH THE WILDCAT.
WILDCAT AGAINST A PIECE OF FRUIT.
HOW DOES AN ORANGE BEAT A WILD ANIMAL!
>> CAT?
GIVE ME SOME SHINY KEYS AND SOME YARN, I WIN, DONE.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO THINK A BALL TO PLAY AND EVEN
ACCIDENTALLY SLASH THE ORANGE OPEN, OVER.
>> YES, OKAY -- >> YES, SO YOU GIVE UP.
GIVE UP.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: I HEARD A YES.
>> I'M NOT AGREEING WITH ANYTHING YOU SAY.
I'M SAYING YOU CAN'T DESTROY AN ORANGE, YOU CAN ONLY BRUISE IT.
YES!
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CAT'S NATURAL ALLY,
THE TAR HEEL, THE TAR HEEL COMES IN-- THE TAR HEEL COMES IN--
>> NATURAL ALLY!
>> Stephen: IT'S A FOOTPRINT.
IT'S A BIG FOOTPRINT.
YOU KNOW WHO'S FOOTPRINT THAT IS?
>> NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW, IT COULD BE BIG FOOT, IT COULD BE
JESUS.
>> Stephen: IT CAN'T BE JESUS' FOOT.
>> WHY NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T SAY JESUS WILL FIGHT AN ORANGE.
I'M A CATH CALG.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> IF JESUS FOUGHT AN ORANGE, JESUS WOULD WIN.
I CAN SAY IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THEN IT'S JESUS' FOOT, I WIN.
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE ONE ALLY.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS SOONER?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR SOONER?
>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A SOONER IS,.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
REAL.
I DON'T THINK THEY EXIST.
>> IN 1893, THE OKLAHOMA LAND RUSH BEGAN...
( SNORING ) ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU CANNOT BORE YOUR ENEMYTO DEATH.
>> WHAT WAS I SAYING.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SOONER.
>> Stephen: IT HAS TO BE THE CAT AND THE TAR HIGH SCHOOLS ALL
IT'S NOT UP TO US.
IT'S UP TO AMERICA.
LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, AMERICA.
HEAD TO TWITTER AND VOTE: WHO WOULD WIN, WILDCAT, ORANGE,
SOONER, TAR HEEL?
THE POLLS CLOSE WEDNESDAY AT MIDNIGHT, UNLESS YOU'RE ON AN
AIRPLANE CROSSING INTERNATIONAL TIME ZONES, IN WHICH CASE YOUR
PHONE SHOULD REALLY BE OFF, ANYWAY.
ROB, ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO BATTLE WITH YOU.
THAT DOES IT FOR...
>> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!