Maybe in your marriage, you've been noticing some things about your spouse.
Perhaps they seem kind of cold, kind of distant.
And of course this would be disconcerning to just about anybody.
We want to have a good warm relationship where we're enjoying the interaction
with our spouse. So they seem cold or they seem distance. Well,
what am I going to do about that? How can I handle that? Well,
the first thing I would encourage you to do is assume it's not about you.
All right. Now, assuming it's about you puts you in kind of a negative mindset,
a defensive mindset, and can create a problem where there isn't one.
So the first thing you want to do is, is, is assume it's not about you.
There are so many things in life that cause people to separate themselves.
In fact, I have a best friend that is an introvert.
The way they are am I'm fed our review.
Refueled is by being alone. Now I'm the opposite of that.
So it makes no sense to me.
And I remember one time they needed to be alone for a little bit,
not away from it, everybody, but just needed to slow down, needed some,
I guess they called it me time and I was blowing their phone up.
Cause I was concerned and worried about them. All I would say is be careful.
Cause I thought I had done something and I hadn't and I made the relationship
kind of stressful during that time. The first thing you want to do is don't,
don't assume it's about you. Um,
I remember seeing a meme the other day that showed a girl laying next to her
husband in bed. And she was thinking on there, um, typing on her, uh,
are not typing rather that are coming out of her head.
One of those little bubbles. And it said,
I wonder if he's thinking about leaving me and him,
I went over to him and he was trying to understand whether or not
tiger or a bear would win in a fight.
A lot of times it really is things like that. So if you notice it,
the first thing is be careful.
Assume it's not about you unless you really know now one way to know if it's
about you is I mean, ask, ask, Hey,
it appears to me that you've been a little separated cold. Um,
you might choose a different word.
Maybe just seems like we're not as connected as you as usual.
Something like that say, Hey, how are you? Okay. Um,
did I do something wrong? Um, it's important to me,
how you feel if you ask them by all means,
believe them don't keep pestering and pushing.
I know in the beginning of our marriage,
one thing Shannon would do is she'd ask me any question and I would answer it.
And because her behavioral style is one where they don't always tell you
an answer right away, because they don't like conflict.
She thought that's what I was doing to her. So she would ask me again and again,
until I got angry,
cause I was tired of being asked the same question when I'd already told him,
told the truth. If you're going to ask, be prepared to believe them. I mean,
one of the girls greatest disrespects people feel is when they are been asked
something by someone,
they share the truth and then that someone doesn't believe them.
It's a disrespect. It's a frustration.
And it places obstacles in between intimate.
I see if you're going to ask on anything, I would be prepared.
Believe the answer when they give it. And if you have to ask a followup,
that's fine because of other information,
but be really careful about pushing that because most people just don't like it.
All right? If they haven't answered any of those or they said,
all those are fine, then I would encourage you to continue life as normal.
You see, if you change what you're doing,
it may inadvertently affect your spouse in a negative way.
Then you're thinking you're right.
When actually it was because you've been playing guarded or being careful about
being who you are, the best thing you can do at that point, be as air quotes,
normal as possible and what you're doing until you have different information.
And if you get different information,
then you can respond to react to that in a positive way to gain influence.
All right. Well,
the final thing I would tell you to do is don't return coldness for coldness.
I've seen this in so many couples. One is got an attitude. And so the spouse,
kids and attitude,
and now we have two people just fighting each other and it just didn't have to
happen. Dress yourself up emotionally,
work on your pies. Be the best you can be intellectually, emotionally,
physically, spiritually,
all these areas so that you don't return pain for pain.
Alright, via person of integrity. And that if you need some help,
give us a call. We're here to support you. Subscribe to our YouTube,
check out our resources online,
take a look at our Facebook page and you can give us a call directly.
And if you want to talk to a coach, we even have single sessions available.
We're here to help you. And we're believing for your marriage.
Take care.
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