It actually makes sense
that this is Shark Week, because one of them
just popped up in the White House.
Breaking news tonight, a new White House shakeup.
REPORTER:
as White House communications director.
The president himself is always going to be the president.
Uh, I was in the Oval Office with him earlier today
and we were talking about letting him be himself,
letting him express his full identity.
I think he's got some of the best political instincts
in the world and, perhaps, in history.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Ba-Back up. Wait, I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry, did this new guy just basically say
that Trump is
That's what he said? Not yet?
Who watches Donald Trump and thinks to themselves,
"Man, if only he could come out of his shell.
Ah. Ah."
Now, now, for some people, uh, Scaramucci may seem
like a strange choice for White House communications director,
because, other than appearing on Fox Business and in every, uh,
Italian movie ever, he has
no obvious communications experience.
So the question is: what is it that Trump felt
qualified Scaramucci for the job?
I love the president.
But I love the president.
And I'm very, very loyal to the president.
He's the most competitive person I've ever met, okay?
I've seen this guy throw a dead spiral through a tire.
I love the guy.
I've seen him at Madison Square Garden,
with a topcoat on, he's standing in the key
and he's hitting foul shots and swishing them, okay?
He sinks three-foot putts.
Did-did you notice that Scaramucci's examples of Trump
were all kind of solitary and sad?
Practicing foul shots in his coat?
Not playing with anyone, no?
A three-foot putt.
Throwing a football through a tire by himself?
What, the guy doesn't have friends?
I mean, at the very least, why didn't he use his kids?
Or-or was there something there as well?
"Eric, I need you.
I want to throw a football in the backyard."
"Oh, wow, Dad! I'd love to!"
"Go get me a tire!"
(applause)
Like, throwing a football at a tire isn't impressive.
It's something that they literally show impotent men
doing in Levitra commercials.
♪ ♪
SPOKESMAN:
staying in the game.
Ask your doctor about new Levitra.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
You see, uh, the football is a metaphor
for his penis.
Bouncing off the vagina. So...
Anthony Scaramucci
is the new White House communications chief.
And since he's going to be around for at least a month,
we might as well get to know him in our latest installment
of Profiles in Tremendousness.
-♪ ♪ -I have the most dedicated people.
I have the best people.
(applause)
Meet Anthony Scaramucci,
or as his friends call him, the Mooch.
He grew up in a blue-collar family on Long Island,
just a three-foot putt away from Donald Trump's birthplace.
Uh, the Mooch graduated from Harvard Law School,
started a successful hedge fund,
uh, oh, and just like everyone else working
in the Trump administration, Scaramucci also spent
seven years working at Goldman Sachs,
which makes me think that maybe Trump's plan to crack down
on Wall Street is just to move Wall Street
into the White House.
"You guys can come through. You can put your bags
over there next to Russia's. Go on."
-So... -(cheering and applause)
so, Scaramucci joined the White House on Friday,
and he's already established what I hope will be
his signature move, the Mooch Smooch.
So I'll meet with him, but I don't want to waste his time
and sit in the Oval Office unnecessarily.
-Thank you. -Thank you. -Thank you. -Thank you.
(laughter, applause)
Damn. Damn.
That's smooth!
That is smooth.
It also seems, uh, like an overly familiar way
to treat the press. I mean, but it was... it was better
than his original good-bye, which was just making out
with each of them individually. Just like,
"Mmm, Peter Alexander, you taste like almonds. Mmm!"
So, so we know, we know that Scaramucci has the style,
uh, but his job is not just to make nice with the press.
His job is to communicate
the White House's message as clearly as possible.
And this weekend he got off to a running start.
REPORTER:
the president is exploring the "complete power
to pardon" anyone swept up in the Russia investigation.
I'm in the Oval Office with the president last week.
We're talking about that.
He says he-he brought that up, he says,
but he doesn't have to be pardoned.
There's nobody around him that has to be pardoned.
The comments directly contradict statements
from the president's personal lawyer.
Pardons have not been discussed,
and pardons are not on the table.
I love this White House so much.
You know, most presidents would try to get their team
all on the same page, but Trump has his team try every page.
Just like, "Okay, you tell them we didn't talk, uh,
"about pardons, you tell them we only talked about pardons,
"uh, you tell them I died during the meeting,
"and, uh, I'm gonna tweet that I've never met any of you guys,
all right? Go!"
-(applause) -And...
and that wasn't, that wasn't even
the weekend's biggest Mooch highlight.
Two days into his job, we found out
that he couldn't even keep a secret
for more than five seconds.
Somebody said to me yesterday--
uh, and I won't tell you who--
that if the Russians actually hacked this situation
and spilled out those, uh... those e-mails,
you would have never seen it.
You would have never had any evidence of them.
I don't know who this anonymous person is that said
that if the Russians had actually done it,
we wouldn't have been able to detect it, but it is the...
-but it is the unanimous... -How about... how about...?
-It's-it's the cons... -How about the p...?
How about it was the president?
(groaning, laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Wow.
Scaramucci revealed his anonymous source
-just to try to win an argument with Jake Tapper? -(laughter)
Like, if I were Trump,
I'd be a little worried about this right now.
You don't want Mooch going out there like,
"Oh, you think you know something
"about collusion with the Russians?
"Well, guess what, big shot.
-I watched the pee tape, okay?" -(laughter)
"Now who's the smart guy now, huh?
"He was peeing through a tire on the other side of the room.
It was, like, three feet away!"
(applause)
So that... I mean, that was a slipup.
Those are slipups.
But slipups aside,
Scaramucci seems like a loyal soldier,
although he wasn't always one.
In fact, during the early stages of the presidential race,
he was very open about what he really thought of Donald Trump.
I'll tell you who he's gonna be president of--
and you can tell Donald I said this--
the Queens County Bullies Association.
You got to cut it out now and stop all this crazy rhetoric.
It's anti-American, it's very, very divisive.
Is he gonna be the alienator-in-chief
when he's running the country?
The whole insecurity and the bullying
-is not what you want in the American president. -Oh...
This is not the guy.
The politicians don't want to go at Trump
because he's got a big mouth, and he's afraid
he's gonna light him up on Fox News and all these other places.
-But I'm not a politician. -You're... you're...
-Bring it. You're... -WOMAN: All right. So why is he resonating?
-Why is he resonating? -You're an inherited-money dude
from Queens County.
-Bring it, Donald. -(man mutters)
"Bring it, Donald!" -(laughter)
"Bring it, Donald. Bring me a job offer, you coward!"
-(laughter) -"Bring it to me,
"and I will work for you so hard, you son of a bitch!
-Bring it, Donald! Bring it!" -(applause and cheering)
"Bring it!"
Now, okay, now I will say this.
In Scaramucci's defense, he said those things
before
And-and not only has he since apologized to President Trump
for speaking out against him.
He atoned by offering Trump the ultimate sacrifice.
WOMAN:
deleting all his old tweets, including ones
that opposed some of the president's positions
on things like gun control,
border walls and climate change,
announcing it all with a message.
"Full transparency," he writes.
"Past views evolved and shouldn't be a distraction."
Uh, I'm not sure how that works,
but that's not full transparency.
(laughter)
Full transparency? I'm deleting my old tweets?
For normal people,
full transparency would be
It's the same way Donald Jr.
Remember before he released his e-mails, right?
Remember that incident?
Just before the
He was like, "Full transparency. I told you first!
-I told you first. Full transparency." -(laughter)
No, that's-that's not full transparency.
What if everyone defined transparency the Trump way?
Like, if a money launderer was like, "Full transparency.
"I'm shredding all my financial records.
"Shredding them all. You won't see a thing.
Full transparency. You know it all, people."
It's not the same thing.
Now, now, now, some people may think it's odd
for a man who believes in climate change, gun control
and abortion rights to go work for Donald Trump,
but in a way, if you think about it,
he's the perfect man for the job.
Who could represent Donald Trump better than a guy willing
to abandon all of his previous positions
if it gets him into The white House?
Who better to do the job?
(applause and cheering)
And... and you know, the truth is,
once you stop focusing on their policies or beliefs,
you start to see
that Trump and Scaramucci have more in common than you think.
-♪ ♪ -(indistinct chatter)
Thank you.