Royal Woods gets blown out again, 52 to zero.
Look LJ, round two of my cheer up meal.
Mozzarella sticks wrapped in bacon,
wrapped in chicken fingers wrapped in a cheese steak.
Sorry, Pops, not really in the mood.
[gasping]
If you're here to try to make
me feel better, don't bother.
It ain't gonna happen till we win.
Um, I may be able to, uh, help a sister out with that,
as they say.
I'd like to offer your team
my services as an analytics coach.
Huh? Like, numbers and junk?
Precisely.
Salutations, athletes. Welcome to today's practice.
I am the new assistant coach, Lisa Loud,
and I'd like to introduce you all to my associate,
Touchdown Bot.
You all ready for this?
I've programmed his algorithm to access
any and all football situations from a statistical perspective.
As the great Pythagoras once said,
'Numbers rule the universe.'
[music playing]
He's also been programmed with team spirit functionality.
[music playing]
[screaming]
Good hustle, bro.
Love the enthusiasm.
Okay, you know what to do, team.
One, two, three. Roosters!
This is the best Royal Woods has looked all season.
New analytics coach Lisa Loud has them in a tight game,
but still trailing.
22-X, Dream Boat, Archimedes, 91 wag!
[whistle blowing]
Blue-22! Blue-22! Hut, hut!
Oh, and she fakes the throw and runs up the middle!
The 30, the 20, the 10... TOUCHDOWN!!!
WHOO!!!
Wow! Royal Woods scores in the final seconds,
but it's not enough.
Post-game pounds are for winners only!
I thought this math crud was supposed to work, Lis'?
We may not have won,
but we lost by a lot less than in previous games.
You can see how my mathematics approach is paying off.
At first, you were here, losing by 50 points.
Now we're here, losing by only four points.
We have vastly improved.
Okay, so what's next?
We double our efforts. I promised to win.
I intend to deliver.
We're going to follow the math to victory!
[cheering]
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, P. Let me help you with that.
[sniffing] Pad sweat...
[sniffing] helmet sweat...
[sniffing] cleat sweat?
Why is all your gear in this bag?
Because Lisa traded me.
[growling] Hold this.
Lisa? You traded Paula?! She's the only punter we have.
Oh, we can't be punting anymore. Statistically speaking,
we're 79.68% better off going for it on fourth down.
Trust the numbers.
Oh, B-T-dubs, Margo's been traded too.
What?!
Eh... Margo's a fine receiver, but she's only 4'11.
My calculations show that we could increase
passing output with someone taller.
[whistling] Meet Wide Receiver One.
At 6'4", she gives us a giant statistical edge.
Uh, does she have a name?
I'm sure she does, but
'Wide Receiver One' will be just fine.
Alright, you know what to do, team.
One, two, three.
Go, Tigers!
[whistling]
[laughing]
Hey! That was a cheap shot!
And we don't stand for cheap shots.
Right, team? Team?
[growling]
[shrieking]
Oof. Royal Woods loses, 63 to ZERO!
This makes no sense.
I'm no Al Einstein,
but I'm pretty sure we just got our butts beat!
I am aware of the proverbial posterior thrashing,
and we'll find a mathematical fix. Promise.
No, you've done enough.
I put my trust in you and your numbers,
and it ruined my team. I don't want your help anymore.
[groaning]
Oh, no... Oxytocin and endorphins.
Yeah, over here! I'm open, I'm open!
Hut!
[grunting]
[laughing]
- Great catch! - That was a perfect throw!
[gasping] I know how to fix this.
You got some nerve showing up to the game.
I told you, I don't need your help.
I'm not going to help you, they are.
Maddie? Margo? Paula? What are you guys doing here?
Lisa traded to get us back.
For a team to win, you have to care about each other.
I know I've let you down, so, I hereby resign.
But I'd be happy to be the new mascot
if that would help the team.
Uh-uh. You're a better coach than a mascot.
Come on. We can still make this work.
Blue-22! Blue-22! Hut-hut!
[grunting]
[gasping]
ROYAL WOODS WINS! ROYAL WOODS WINS!!!
Whoo!
I would have preferred a victory pat to my posterior.
Prepare for victory pat!
Oh, dear.