- Ah, Major League Baseball's Opening Day,
where hope springs eternal
with endless possibilities in store
for promising teams and players from sea to shining sea.
The first step in an ungodly marathon of homers,
unwritten rules, and hammy pulls.
This is the game to get fans excited
for the 500+ hours of baseball
to come over the ensuing six months.
But one day,
we got an Opening Day game so lopsided and boring,
the thought of another 161 after that was more unbearable
than a cross-country road trip with Screech.
This is The Worst MLB Opening Day Game.
April 4th, the year of our Lord, 2016, Petco Park,
San Diego, California.
Padres hosting the Dodgers in the very first game
each skipper has managed with his ball club.
This is also the 67th and final opening day
for Vin Scully, the legendary Dodger broadcaster
who speaks like Michelangelo paints.
He's 88 years young, and has quite literally
dedicated his entire life to the sport,
so the least the baseball gods could do
is give him a half-decent ball game
for his last-ever opener.
Tyson Ross gets the ball for Andy Green's Padres,
and from the very first at-bat, things go sideways
when their new center fielder, Jon Jay,
dives for a ball hit by Chase Utley
that should've been a single,
but that instead enables the geriatric Utley
to leg out a double.
Another couple of hits gives the Dodgers a quick,
2-0 lead. Not ideal,
but under ordinary circumstances,
not some death sentence either.
However, these are not ordinary circumstances
because they're not facing an ordinary pitcher.
They're facing Clay Kershaw,
a man genetically engineered to pitch a baseball
like a great white shark is engineered to eat.
Across the 1,000 innings he pitched leading into this game,
a stretch spanning 4.5 years,
the first digit of his ERA is goddamn 1,
and in that time, he became the only pitcher
to ever lead the bigs in ERA for 4 straight seasons,
and it's his 6th consecutive opening day start
where he's been even more untouchable.
Padres fans have to hope, after seeing years of their bats
go quieter than Mr. Bean on Tylenol PM,
this lineup can come from behind
against the opposing cyborg on the mound.
The best way to highlight the difference
between the two starting pitchers
is with graphics FOX made for each.
Here is Kershaw's, three nice things.
Here is Ross'.
One of the things is a motivational phrase,
but this diem was not carpe’d.
After Kershaw made quick work of the Padres
in his first two innings, the Dodgers tack on a 3rd run
with this Adrian Gonzalez RBI single.
The Padres then manage to actually get a hit in the 3rd
when Jon Jay slaps this 3-2 fastball to shallow left.
Finally, the Pads have somethin' cookin',
which lasts for all of one pitch.
The next couple innings were just a bunch of nothingness
with no one reaching base in either the 4th or 5th inning,
so we're moving right along, with the hope that this game
can either somehow become competitive,
or at least end quickly
so everyone can just get the hell home.
In the top of the 6th, the Dodgers get a couple guys on,
first with Yasiel Puig getting beaned in the arm
before Carl Crawford reaches
with everyone's favorite type of hit,
the kind that doesn't leave the infield.
Joc Pederson then piles on with an RBI double,
which causes the Padres to bring their infield in
for number 8 hitter, A.J. Ellis, who hits a chopper
that's just beyond the grasp of Alexei Ramirez.
Two more runs score,
in the process, sucking away any remaining morsel
of Ross' competitive spirit,
because on the very next pitch,
he allows the pitcher to smack a base hit into center field.
And that would be his final pitch of the 2016 season,
as this game damaged not just his pride,
but also his shoulder.
Utley then steps to the dish against Ryan Buchter
and drills a slider into right field
where former Dodger All-Star, Matt Kemp,
flubs the routine play, enabling A.J. Ellis,
a man who would be slow for his job
even if he were an accountant instead of a pro athlete,
to score from 2nd.
This Corey Seager sac fly drives in
their 5th run of the inning,
giving the Dodgers 8 runs in the game,
roughly 9 more than Kershaw generally needs
against a team like this.
In the 7th, with the game long decided,
and Luis Perdomo now the Padres' pinata on the mound,
Trayce Thompson hits an RBI double
before eventually, Grampa Utley drives home another couple.
11-0, Kershaw breezes through
the home half of the inning,
retiring his 13th consecutive Padre,
before the Dodgers mercifully lift him.
The game moves to the 8th,
and the massacre just will not end.
Gonzalez's 3rd RBI single puts L.A. up a dozen,
a wild pitch moves him to 2nd,
though it doesn't really matter,
because Yasiel Puig clobbers this 2-2 breaking ball
to deep right center for a triple
before this shitty Cory Spangenburg throw
turns it into a de facto inside-the-park homer.
- [Broadcaster] And Puig's gonna come home,
Perdomo does not have a play.
L.A. tacks on one more just to be safe,
because the 15th is the really key insurance run,
and wraps up their third consecutive inning
sending at least 8 batters to the plate,
when even before all that, the Padres' chances
where next to nil.
Poor Vinny's loved baseball more than anyone loves anything,
and it took close to 70 years, but this game's bad enough
to leave him regretting everything.
I think they played a 9th inning, but who the hell knows?
The 15-zip final score is the most lopsided opener
in the live-ball era, and in case you hadn't noticed,
no one even mashed any dingers
to give a relentlessly monotonous game
a temporary splash of excitement.
Just a slow, constant, miserable death by paper cut.
There were some other strong candidates,
including the Phillies-Mets opener in 1998
where the game's only run came in the 14th inning
after a near-5 hour wait,
or the White Sox kicking off their 1940 season
by failing to get a single hit in their own backyard.
In 1965, what could've been a fun ending
between the Cubs and Cardinals
ended in a dang 10-10 tie because it got dark,
and Wrigley field did not have lights.
Hell, Kershaw and the Dodgers also blasted these Padres
in the opener the very next year, in 2017,
but a game that lacked any drama from the start
before spiraling historically out of control,
that even in a demolition,
couldn't provide the excitement of a single long ball,
with tons of sloppiness in the final opening day ever called
by the greatest broadcaster in the history of sports,
just makes me sad.
Try something else, San Diego.
Jeepers, that game sucked, I thought it would never end.
Anyway, hope you liked it, and if so,
I bet you'll like these videos too.
As always, don't forget to like, subscribe,
brush, and floss.