-Our final topic is parents, our parents,
and what they created for us
and then what kind of parents we will be
and what scares us or excites us about that.
-I think when I was younger,
my mother really defined for me what I wasn't going to do
rather than what I was
because she was a stay-at-home mom,
and she just lived to serve.
I started feeling like, "I'm not gonna be like that.
I'm not gonna be the one that washes dishes at the end.
I'm not gonna be the one that you just come home
and expect she's gonna make you dinner."
I think it closed off a part of me
that is very nurturing and caring
and wants to take care of people
because I somehow felt that that made me weaker.
As I've grown in a decade past that time,
I have such a different perspective now
of what she brought to humanity
and how incredible it was
and how she gave of herself.
So it's just been interesting
'cause I think I've gone from defiantly saying,
"I'm not going to be my mother," to now being like,
"If only I could be more like her."
-Some people have parents
that you push off of to become something else,
and some people have parents that you emulate.
And for me, my father was someone that
I pushed off of to some degree.
He's 84. He's aging.
He's got dementia now.
And it's been really interesting
to feel the lack of his support,
and it's support that when he was really present
to life, I didn't feel.
I felt the lack of what he wasn't giving me.
And now that what he was giving me is not there,
I really feel the lack of that.
What it has done is made me aware of all the things
that I received from him that are positive.
-I remember as a child always looking up to my mother.
She was so loving.
She's the most just woman I know.
-I identify the most, I think, with my father
because we're both ridiculously ambitious, I think,
and I got that from him.
-Despite the fact that I was not biologically related to him,
he was the one that really understood me.
You know, when I was walking down the street,
I always wanted to be holding my daddy's hand.
-Is there anything that surprised you to discover
"That came from my mom" or "That came from my dad"?
One of the things that I discovered was,
the type of man
that I kept being attracted to.
'Cause people always say you're gonna fall in love
with your dad or whatever, and I wasn't --
and it wasn't that obvious.
But what I realized is
that my dad was a really kind of angry,
domineering person in some ways,
and he kind of had a stranglehold on the house
to some degree.
And so I always dated these men that were --
they're all -- they've all been lovely,
but a little bit passive.
And growing up in just this last year
has been a real paradigm shift for me,
to realize that that's not what I want.
I want a man who is absolutely my equal,
I mean, in a powerful way.
But it was the first time that I was like, "Oh, my God.
This is a direct result of feeling unsafe in my home
because of the male presence in it."
-My parents are still married, and they're awesome
and they're great.
But they could also, growing up, could be a little
overprotective, a little controlling.
For a long time, I think I was always
going for, like, the bad boy.
Subconsciously, I knew that, you know,
my mom and dad would freak out over those things a little bit.
-My mom's kind of Superwoman.
I can look back on it and see
how hard it was for her as a single mom.
She worked and took care of me,
and we did kind of everything together.
And I think what's interesting is in my adult years now,
I tend to live in survival mode.
I'll just take on responsibility without thinking about it.
And it's so hard to disconnect that,
but it's just interesting,
those things that you take into your life
and then how to change them 'cause
I don't want to internally feel like I'm surviving all the time.
But I don't really know how to change that.
-Is it just becoming aware of it and making the decision?
-Yes. It is.
I think it's knowing that,
like, yeah, you went through this crappy stuff,
but so did your mother and so did your father.
It's an opportunity to just be better
because this is just the card that was dealt and the whole --
you know, you're not really given things you can't handle.
I really believe that.
And just that decision of just knowing,
like, other people have done this.
Your parents have done this. And you are your parents.
If anything, it runs in your genes to be resilient.
-There's a fall from grace
at some point probably in everyone's life where,
yeah, they realize that, "Oh, my God.
My parents are actually real people,
and they make mistakes, and they're challenged."
It's important to have compassion in general
for everyone around you, including your parents,
and to realize that people are people
and to not put anyone on any kind of unrealistic pedestal
or have expectations for perfection
because no one is perfect.
-I think for me it's just
not knowing how to handle situations.
I'm pregnant. What about -- how --
What pills do I need to take?
Like, what -- what do I do?
I think that's where the grace comes for your mother,
is being, like,
She didn't know, you know?
I'm not gonna know, you know?
I think I know now but in the moment,
who knows if I'm not gonna rage or, you know, whatever.
-The scariest thing about the prospect of having kids
was how they would be messed up potentially
and how it would be my fault.
And that's a huge responsibility.
-That 8-year-old is probably gonna have a lot
of the qualities that I have.
And I know I was not a walk in the park.
Even now, my 1-1/2-year-old, like, he tests my patience.
And the other day, my words were not kind,
and my tone was not gentle,
and all the things you read in the parenting magazines,
I did not exhibit.
And it was just this moment of real disappointment in myself
because you always want to do better and be better.
And in that moment I was just like, "Wow.
I'm messed up, too."
I also just really appreciate even talking
about that side of things
'cause I think with mothering and with a lot of things,
we're very good at just talking about the positives of it
because God forbid someone think I'm a bad mother.
But on my blog I started writing about that fine line
between the days where,
"Yeah, I'm doing a pretty decent job
and he didn't eat metal today. That was good."
And like, the days where
I really do not know what I'm doing
and I'm saying things to him and I'm like "Oh, my God,
is this gonna make him sexist? I just raised my voice.
I just said this to his father in front of his earshot.
He's listening to Macklemore.
He just said the word cock."
And you can go down this spiral of, like, "Oh, wow.
He's gonna be in therapy for years.
And it's all gonna be, like, --
I let him listen to Macklemore."
-Luckily, I've been blessed with a great set
of girlfriend mamas, some working,
some at home with their kids.
And if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be
as comfortable in my motherhood, in my being a wife.
It's so cliché. We say it takes a village to raise a kid.
But it does. Like, it really does.
It's what gets me through regularly
is being able to call on them.
So I'm thankful and grateful,
and I feel like every mama needs that.
-I'm not gonna get everything right and --
but I'm gonna do the best that I can
and hold myself accountable to that every day.
And that's all you can really do.
-The most important thing about being a good parent
is to bring up a child with a conscience,
to bring up a good person.
-When I'm a parent someday,
I think that that's my biggest goal
is to just, like, really, like, tell people
that they're powerful because humans are --
we are so powerful
and we don't realize our power to change people
for good or bad.
-When a child is born, it's a complete clean slate.
It's this tabula rasa.
And you can influence it and change it and help it
and inspire it and change the world.
It's a way to change the world.
-It's when the teacher says "Your daughter
makes everybody in this class better
because she is..."
Ahh.
Whew.
"...'cause she's a joy."
I had a teacher who said, "If I had a daughter, I would --
I would want her to be with your son.
I would want her to marry your son."
This was my oldest when he was in 7th grade.
Things like that, like, what?
That is -- that's when you're like,
"Ahh, these kids.
They're just blessings, blessings, blessings."
-"Growing up, I thought my mother was Superman,
this average woman
with extraordinary powers to call on.
She had super strength, x-ray and heat vision.
She could even hear my thoughts.
I witnessed her re-arrange furniture in our apartment
in 20 minutes flat while cooking breakfast
and talking on the phone every Saturday morning.
She could shoot a glance across any room,
and I would know when I got home I was going to die.
She did everything and still worked 80 hours a week.
It was easy to believe she was a superhero.
Although, she would throw me off every once in a while
by forgetting the most important things.
But she was a superhero trying to be normal after all.
My father was a topic we did not often talk about.
I remember him from my early childhood,
but since then, he must've been a secret agent
because there had to be something of great urgency
to keep him away from me.
I was 14 when I found the Kokomo, Indiana, phone book
under my grandmother's bed.
I called every single Patterson
until I found the ones that belonged to me.
I thought as soon as I found him,
the wounds of my childhood would heal.
But on the other end, I found a man just as abandoned
as I had always felt, just as mad.
He was bitter,
and I was still his daughter searching for my father.
It was not until I was 19
that I realized my parents were people
who lived entire lives before I existed,
people who made mistakes and told lies,
people who felt shame and didn't know how to resolve it.
And there I was in the middle of two confused cowards
who hadn't spoken in years.
I realized that most of the things
I had done up until that point
were either to piss my parents off or to get some attention.
I realized that the apple does not fall far from the tree,
and no matter who I wanted to be,
I had to deal with my feelings
about who I came from to begin to design my own path.
So I did on stage.
Would recite poems about my parents,
their mistakes and how -- how damaged I was as a result.
My mother, she would sit in the crowd sometimes
and cringe.
A million conversations later,
my father asks if I plan on having children.
'You know, you're 30 now and no spring chicken anymore.
Do you even want to get married?'
I tell him and anyone else asking,
I have no plans for either.
Should I meet a person
I trust the future of the world with,
then yeah, maybe.
But until then, why fantasize about it
when there are dreams of greater importance to me?
But I have been pregnant twice.
Miscarried both, and I'm grateful for the experience.
I know -- I know what life growing inside of me feels like,
what hormones and uncertainty create.
I know about shame and lies and --
and not being prepared for what you create.
I know -- I know that there is no rule book, no --
no how-to guide.
I know my parents wanted to be great.
I know any pain I suffered cut them deeply, too.
The connection between parents
and their own is a complicated love,
one that no amount of words can explain.
But -- but there is grace and forgiveness.
There is attempting to understand
these people and their stories,
rich with a history worth knowing of
who your parents were
when they didn't know they would make you.
I want my parents to know I'm grateful,
that everything I do is only possible
because they met,
because of every mistake and victory
that led them back to each other
in that small town that made me.
And no matter how long that love lasted,
it is forever evident because I exist.
And that is magical and mind-blowing
like the moment you realize your parents are people.