>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
MY FIRST GUEST IS A LEGEND WHOSE VAIRT SERIES IS CELEBRATING
ITS 50th ANNIVERSARY.
PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE, THE ONLY, CAROL BURNETT.
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HI, JON!
>> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK.
>> Stephen: NOW, KIDDO-- IF I CAN CALL YOU THAT.
>> OH, SURE, YEAH, PLEASE.
>> Stephen: NO, KIDDO, YOU'RE A LEGEND NOW.
EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.
PEOPLE LEAP TO THEIR FEET WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE THEATER, BUT
IS THIS TRUE-- YOUR FIRST JOB IN NEW YORK YOU WERE A HAT CHECK
GIRL?
>> YES, I WAS.
>> Stephen: WHERE.
>> AT A LADIES' TEA ROOM.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> THAT'S HOW BRIGHT I WAS-- WOMEN DON'T CHECK THEIR HATS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO ONE CHECKS THEIR HAT ANYMORE.
>> THEY DON'T WEAR THEM.
>> Stephen: NO ONE WARES A HAT.
WAS THAT THE LONG GREEN THERE?
>> IT WAS CALLED SUSAN PALMER'S TEA ROOM, BUT THEY HAD AN OYSTER
BAR DOWNSTAIRS THAT THE MEN WOULD GO TO.
SO IN ORDER TO GET A TIP, I WOULD GRAB THE MEN AS THEY WERE
GOING DOWNSTAIRS AND SAY, "CHECK YOUR COAT, SIR?"
SO THEY'D GIVE ME THEIR COAT.
AND THEN I WOULD TAKE A SCISSORS-- NOW YOU KNOW THE
LITTLE THING IN THE BACK.
>> Stephen: THE HANG TAB, YEAH.
>> I CUT THAT OFF.
AND THEN I WOULD RESEW IT WITH A DIFFERENT-COLOR THREAD.
SO WHEN THEY WOULD COME BACK UP AND ASK FOR THEIR COAT, I WOULD
SAY, "THIS WAS BROKEN, BUT I FIXED IT FOR YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN--
( APPLAUSE ) THEN INSTEAD OF GETTING A
QUARTER, THEY'D GIVE ME AN EXTRA DIME.
I'D GET 35 CENTS FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: WOW!
>> YEAH, I WAS A CON ARTIST.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GRIFTER.
>> THAT I WAS.
>> Stephen: AND A DANCER, BECAUSE--
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PHOTO.
>> OH, MY -- >> Stephen: WE DUG UP HERE.
IS YOU ARE NO STRANGER TO THIS THEATER.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT THIS LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE,
BUT I HADN'T SEEN ANY OF THE PHOTOS.
YOU WORK ON THE OLD "GARY MOORE" SHOW SHOT AT THE SAME TIME AS
THE "ED SULLIVAN SHOW.
>> ON THIS STAGE.
>> Stephen: IN THE 50s?
>> '59, '60, AND '61.
>> Stephen: YOU YOU ARE WITH GARY MOORE AROUND 1560.
NICE GAMS, BY THE WAY.
AND THE GUEST BOOK.
NOW, AT THE SAME TIME YOU WERE, LIKE, MAKING YOUR BREAK ON
BROADWAY IN "ONCE UPON A MATTRESS."
>> I DOUBLED.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE DOING THIS.
THAT WAS YOUR DAY JOB.
>> THAT WAS MY DAY JOB AND I DID "ONCE UPON A MATTRESS" EIGHT
TIMES A WEEK ON BROADWAY.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
THAT MUST HAVE ABSOLUTELY WIPED YOU OUT.
>> I WAS YOUNG, I WAS VERY YOUNG, AND I WAS VERY HUNGRY.
SO I HAD BOTH JOBS.
BUT I NEVER HAD A DAY OFF.
AND SO, IN "ONCE UPON A MATTRESS" IT'S THE STORY OF THE
PRINCESS AND THE PEA, SO THE PRINCESS IS SUPPOSED TO, TOWARDS
THE END OF THE SHOW, GET ON TOP OF 20 MATTRESSES AND NOT BE ABLE
TO SLEEP.
SO THAT'S THE WHOLE BIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE MATINEE, I FELL ASLEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE!
I PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP, BUT I FELL ASLEEP.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S NOT EASY TO DO, TO FALL ASLEEP ON
STAGE.
>> EXACTLY.
I WAS EXHAUSTED.
SO ALL I REMEMBER IS THE STAGE MANAGER GOING, "CAROL!
CAROL!
WAKE UP!" AND I JUMPED UP LIKE THIS.
IT'S A WONDER I DIDN'T FALL OFF THE MATTRESS.
>> Stephen: THREE OR FOUR YEARS ON "GARY MOORE?"
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE TWO.
HOW LONG AFTER THAT DID YOU START THE "CAROL BURNETT SHOW."
>> I STARTED THE "BURNETT" SHOW IN '67 SO THAT TOOK A WHILE.
>> Stephen: HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT?
GARY MOORE WAS ALSO FOR CBS, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND DID THEY SAY, "YOU.
YOU GET A VARIETY SHOW?" >> I SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH CBS
FOR 10 YEARS, AND THEY SAID WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE YEARS EYE
DON'T KNOW.
I HAD A REALLY GOOD AGENT-- IF WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE YEARS IF I
WANTED TO DO A VARIETY-- COMEDY VARIETY SHOW, ALL I WOULD HAVE
TO DO IS PUSH THE BUTTON, AND CBS WOULD HAVE TO PUT IT ON 30,
ONE-HOUR SHOWS, WHETHER THEY WANTED TO OR NOT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A GOOD AGENT.
>> THAT WAS A GOOD AGENT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW!
>> AND I THOUGHT, "I'LL NEVER WANT TO DO THAT."
WELL, TOWARDS THE END OF THE FIFTH YEAR, THE LAST WEEK OF THE
FIFTH YEAR, I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO PUSH THAT BUTTON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DID.
AND I CALLED ONE OF THE VICE PRESIDENTS BACK HERE-- I WAS IN
CALIFORNIA-- IT WAS BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S.
AND I GOT THE VICE PRESIDENT OF CBS ON THE PHONE, AND SAYID,
"HI."
HE SAID, "CAROL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HOW'S IT GOING?" I SAID, "GREAT.
YOU KNOW, MIKE, I WANT TO PUSH THAT BUTTON."
HE SAID, "WHAT BUTTON?" I SAID, "YOU KNOW, WHERE FIVE
YEARS AGO YOU SAID THEY COULD DO--" HE TOTALLY FORGOT.
HE DIDN'T KNOW, DIDN'T REMEMBER.
AND HE SAID, "WELL, GREAT, I'LL CALL YOU BACK."
SO I'M SURE HE GOT A LOT OF LAWYERS OUT OF THE CHRISTMAS
PARTIES THAT NIGHT, YOU KNOW.
CALLED ME BACK THE NEXT DAY, AND HE SAID, "YEAH, WELL, I SEE
THAT, BUT, YOU KNOW, CAROL, COMEDY VARIETY TELEVISION, IT'S
A MAN'S GAME.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND HE SAID, "IT'S NOT FOR YOU GALS.
IT'S REALLY-- IT'S DEAN MARTIN.
IT'S MILTON BERLE.
SID CAESAR, YOU KNOW, JACKIE GLEASON."
HE SAID, "WE'VE GOT THIS GREAT SITCOM WE'D LOVE YOU TO DO
CALLED "HERE'S AGNES."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I HEAR VERY GOOD
THINGS ABOUT THAT ONE.
>> I SHOULD HAVE-- I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT.
>> Stephen: IT GOT AWAY FROM YOU.
>> I SAID, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE AGNES EVERY WEEK."
SO THEY HAD TO PUT US ON THE AIR.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?
HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?
>> I STILL KIND OF WONDER IF I SHOULD HAVE DONE "AGNES."
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I DON'T.
BECAUSE THE-- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE GREATEST VARIETY COMEDIAN OF
ALL TIME.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S THE GREATEST VARIETY SHOW EVER MADE.
LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS.
LOOK AT ALL THESE CHARACTERS.
THIS IS JUST A HAND FULL OF THE CHARACTERS YOU INHABITED ON THE
SHOW.
YOU KNOW--
WAS THERE-- WAS THERE ANYTHING OF-- OF ALL THE THINGS DID YOU
OVER THE YEARS, WAS THERE ANYTHING AT CBS-- WHICH IS A
FAIRLY CONSERVATIVE ORGANIZATION-- ANYTHING THEY
SAID, "NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT SKETCH."
OR "CAN'T DO THAT LINE," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> IN 11 YEARS THE NETWORK ONLY TALKED TO ME ABOUT ONE THING,
CENSORS, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
>> STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
WE WERE DOING A SKETCH WHERE I WAS A NUDIST--
( LAUGHTER ) NO, NO, NOT LIKE THAT.
THERE'S ENOUGH VIOLENCE IN THE WORLD WIEWT WOUT ME FLASHING.
BUT ANYWAY, I WAS STANDING BEHIND A FENCE.
>> Stephen: VERY TASTEFUL.
>> AND A SIGN SAID, "KEEP OUT."
MY SHOULDERS WERE BARE, AND BARE LEGS WITH HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS ON.
AND HARVEY KORMAN WAS INTERVIEWING ME VOICE-OVER.
AND IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF JOKES ABOUT A NUDIST COLONY.
HE SAID-- ONE OF THE JOKES WAS, HE SAID, "SO WHAT DO YOU NUDIST
DO FOR RECREATION?" AND MY LINE WAS, "WELL, WE HAVE
DANCES EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT."
"WELL, HOW DO YOU NUDISTS DANCE?"
AND MY LINE WAS, "VERY CAREFULLY."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, FOR SOME REASON, THEY
THOUGHT THAT WAS RISQUE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT WAS TOO DIRT GEE IT WAS TOO DIRTY.
THEY SAID, "YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH ANOTHER LINE."
THIS IS WHAT THEY BOUGHT.
"SO WHAT DO YOU NUDIST DO FOR RECREATION?"
"WE HAVE DANCES EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT."
"HOW DO YOU NEWSISTS DANCE?" "CHEEK TO CHEEK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOT BAD.
>> THAT WAS BETTER!
>> Stephen: NOT BAD.
OKAY, SO, YOU'VE GOT-- THE BOOK THAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT THE
11 YEARS DOING THE "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW."
WHICH IS OUT IN PAPERBACK RIGHT NOW.
AND THERE IS A SPECIAL COMING OUT ON DECEMBER--
>> THIRD.
>> Stephen: DECEMBER THIRD.
>> SUNDAY.
>> Stephen: I AM IN IT.
>> YES, YOU ARE!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BUT I WANT TO GO
BACK IN A TIME MACHINE AND TALK TO MY YOUNGER SELF AND SAY,
"HANG IN THERE.
YOU'RE EVENTUALLY GOING TO DO SCENES WITH THIS PERSON."
>> NOT ONLY SCENES, SINGING.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT OF SINGING.
>> YOU HAVE A GREAT SET OF PIPES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR SAYING THE THING I ASKED YOU TO.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK
HERE.
BUT DON'T GO AWAY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CAROL