- When someone is traumatized by the hands of someone else,
it's easy for us to assume that they would hate that person
and not wanna be around them,
and do everything they can to never see them again.
But then, why do so many of us feel connected,
often protective, and sometimes even fall in love
with those who abused or harmed us?
This very common response is what is known as a trauma bond,
and that is what we are going to dig into today
is I talk about the five most common reasons
we can develop a trauma bond.
So let's start with the first reason,
and explain a bit about what trauma bonds are.
These bonds are emotional connections or attachments
that we make to our abusers
as a way to protect ourselves from further harm.
In many ways, it's similar to Stockholm syndrome,
which, if you're not familiar, is an emotional bond
that we make with our captors while we're in captivity.
And they coined this term way back in 1973,
when four people were taken hostage during a bank robbery
in, you guessed it, Stockholm, Sweden.
Now, even after they were rescued,
the victims refused to testify against their captors,
saying that they felt bad for them,
and some even defending what the robbers did.
Trauma bonds and Stockholm syndrome are not recognized
in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders, otherwise known as the DSM.
But there are some similar diagnoses
within the International Classification of Diseases,
or what's known as the ICD-11.
And as we all know,
these diagnostic manuals aren't updated often,
and are usually lacking in full symptom understanding.
And I would honestly put both of these issues under
what is already known as the PTSD diagnosis,
since I think both are born out of trauma.
But those are just my thoughts, what do you think?
I know you may be wondering, why I'm comparing trauma bonds
to Stockholm syndrome
when we aren't always being physically held captive
in abusive relationships.
But it's not just the physical captivity that can affect us.
We can feel emotionally imprisoned,
and that is just as powerful.
Maybe our abuser has told us
that no one else will love us like they do,
or that if we leave,
they will tell everyone what a terrible person we are.
And if we're younger,
we may not know what a healthy relationship looks like
or fear that those who hurt us
will go on to harm the people that we love.
These bonds are extremely common
when we are harmed by one of our caregivers,
someone like our mother, father, or anyone else close to us
who's supposed to care for us.
When we're young, we're supposed to be able to turn
to these people for love and support when we're hurt.
But when they're the ones that are hurting us,
it can be confusing,
make us question whether what is happening
is, in fact, hurtful or abuse or not
and we can struggle to turn away from them.
And if you want more information,
I talk in depth about trauma
and how it can affect us in my new book "Traumatized"
that's available now,
and you can click the link in the description to grab yours.
There can be many reasons we feel stuck with them
and unable to leave.
So make sure you stick around for all five reasons
because the last two might surprise you.
Now with that, let's move into the second reason.
When it comes to domestic violence,
we can often get caught in the cycle of violence.
This means that after our loved one has harmed us,
they immediately go into what is called the honeymoon
or reconciliation phase,
where they apologize for hurting us.
They can say that they didn't mean to
and promise to never do it again.
They may even buy us gifts or take us somewhere nice
and give us all their attention.
This phase is like gaslighting.
And we can think that we're making the abuse out
to be more than it is,
or even feel bad for our abuser
because they feel so bad about it.
After that phase, it quickly moves into calm,
and then into tension building,
which is usually the longest phase.
And then we go right back into crisis
when the abuse takes place.
And this ever changing landscape of our relationship
never allows us to feel like we're on solid ground
and really safe.
And it's hard to read the other person
or know when or if they're going to blow up again.
And if they're isolating us from anyone who could support
or show us love, we can think that they're all we have,
which rolls into reason three and our fawn response,
because that can play a big role in trauma bonding.
And if you missed my video about this,
our fawn response is part of our stress response,
otherwise known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Now, fawning isn't talked about as often
because it relates almost exclusively to trauma.
Now, more specifically, it relates to complex trauma
or what we call CPTSD.
Children need safe, loving, and supportive environments
in order to develop a healthy sense of self
and emotional intelligence.
When we grow up in an abusive or emotionally neglectful
and controlling environment,
we can cut ourselves off from how we feel
because it's too painful,
and expressing that upset only seems to get us
into more trouble and causes us more harm.
Therefore, some children push their own wants and needs down
in order to prioritize their abuser's emotional state
as a way to, you guessed it, prevent future abuse.
Now this focus on pleasing others
at the cost of our own wellbeing is
what is known as our fawn response.
And we fawn over others in our life
as a way to try and control their behavior.
We can believe that if we do everything just right,
say the right things, and make them happy,
then they won't hurt us anymore.
This means that in order to read their every thought
and mood shift, or at least think that we are,
we have to be incredibly connected to them.
Even if they aren't connected to us,
we can spend all of our time thinking about them
and doing everything we can to please them.
This in and of itself is a trauma bond.
The fourth reason we can emotionally connect
and even fall in love with our abuser is
because we feel special and important
because they picked us out of everybody else.
I have heard from so many of my patients
and other members of our community
that they felt like they must've had something
that the others didn't,
like they were the special child in the family,
and that's why their father chose
to spend all this extra time with them,
or that out of all the kids in the class,
this teacher chose us to be with,
which I know we may think can be a bad thing.
But if we're told that what's happening is good,
or maybe we aren't getting enough support
and attention at home,
we can feel special for being the one and only chosen one.
We often don't know that what's happening is abusive.
We can see it as time spent with someone
and getting attention that we are so desperately craving.
I've actually seen this backfire in some cases
when other victims will come forward
or they'll learn about each other.
And we can become very upset in this belief
that the abuse made us special can be shattered,
and we can become angry or fall into a shame spiral.
And sometimes it can even help to break that trauma bond,
but not always.
The fifth and final way that we can develop a trauma bond
is because of the confusion
that can come out of sexual abuse.
It has a really big effect on our trauma bonds
because when we're sexualized from a young age
and possibly told that those acts are something
that they're doing to us
because they love us and care about us,
then we can think that that is what love is.
And if no one else in our life is showing us
that much attention and so-called love, we can enjoy it.
We can find ourselves seeking it out
and think that what we feel for them is, in fact, love.
And because our body is wired to enjoy sexual acts,
it can sometimes feel good,
and we can find ourselves liking it,
which I know can lead to a lot of shame, embarrassment,
and even disgust.
Again, this can be so confusing for us
and make us question if what happened
was actually abuse or not.
And we can believe our abuser
when they tell us that they love us.
With all of these mixed messages,
it can be hard for us to see
that real healthy love doesn't look or feel like that.
When it comes to trauma bonds like this,
this so-called love is instantaneous
and expressed immediately,
whereas healthy love develops over time
as we grow in our relationship with each other.
Abusive relationships are confusing,
they can cause us to question our memory of events
and lead us to emotionally connect
with those causing the harm.
Unfortunately, trauma bonding is very common,
but it can be worked through in therapy.
As we come to recognize
that what we went through was, in fact, abuse,
we can slowly untangle ourselves from their grip.
And even if we don't hate them or wish ill on them,
we can see that what they did wasn't okay,
and that we deserve better.
So please, if this is something that you're struggling with,
reach out, speak up,
and find a trauma specialist in your area,
because with the right help, it can and will get better.
And thank you so much for watching.
I hope you found this helpful. (gentle music)
If you think I left anything out
or would like to share your own thoughts on this topic,
please leave those in the comments down below.
And if you wanna watch more videos about trauma,
you can check out my playlist on the screen,
and I will see you next time, bye.
(upbeat music)