>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TODAY WAS A VERY TENSE DAY, AND THIS IS A VERY TENSE TIME FOR
AMERICA FOR A HOST OF REASONS.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF, MAY I REMIND YOU, IT'S
4/20.
FOR THOSE NOT IN THE KNOW, 4/20 IS THE ONE DAY A YEAR WEED
SMOKERS CELEBRATE SMOKING WEED EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR.
AND THIS APRIL 20 IS THE BIG ONE, BECAUSE TODAY, 4/20 TURNED
50.
50!
THAT MEANS IT'S OLD ENOUGH TO SNEAK OFF INTO THE GARAGE WHILE
THE KIDS ARE AT SOCCER PRACTICE AND SMOKE HALF A JOINT, BUT THEN
IT HAS A PANIC ATTACK, SO IT SPENDS THE AFTERNOON ON THE
COUCH DRINKING WATER AND WATCHING Q.V.C.
FAR OUT, MAN.
THIS IS THE 50th ANNIVERSARY BECAUSE, BACK IN 1971, A GROUP
OF CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS USED TO GATHER TO SMOKE
POT EVERY DAY AT 4:20 P.M.
ADMIRABLE PUNCTUALITY FOR A GROUP OF KIDS WHO WERE ALWAYS
HIGH.
THESE KIDS WERE NICKNAMED "THE WALDOS."
AH, NOW "WHERE'S WALDO?" MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE.
IT'S ABOUT A GUY IN A KNIT CAP WHO NEVER CHANGES HIS CLOTHES
AND HAS NO IDEA WHERE HE IS.
ALTHOUGH, LOOKING AT THOSE EYES...
I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE MOVED ON TO COCAINE.
IF ANYONE'S LOOKING TO FIND HIM, I BET HE'S WITH DON JR.
4/20 LOOKS A LOT DIFFERENT THAN IT DID 50 YEARS AGO, MOSTLY DUE
TO THE BURGEONING LEGALIZATION EFFORT.
IN FACT, AS OF TODAY, IT'S AT LEAST PARTIALLY LEGAL IN STATES
LIKE "CHILL-INOIS," "GRASS-ACHUSETTS,"
"BAKED ALASKA," AND "IO-WANT-TO-SMOKE-SOME-WEED."
MY WRITERS TAKE 4/20 VERY SERIOUSLY.
IN THE LATEST POLLS, 91% OF U.S.
ADULTS SAY MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL IN SOME FORM, INCLUDING
60% THAT APPROVE OF RECREATIONAL USE, AND MORE THAN FOUR IN 10
CANNABIS USERS BELIEVE 4/20 SHOULD BE RECOGNIZED AS A
NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
OKAY, THAT'S INSANE.
I MEAN, THERE'S NO HOLIDAY FOR DRINKING, OTHER THAN
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, CINCO DE MAYO, NEW YEAR'S EVE, THE DAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING, FOURTH OF JULY, AND THE "WHATEVER DAY
THIS IS."
BUT IF YOU MARKED 4/20, PLEASE BE SURE TO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE,
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE IN THE MARIJUANA BIZ WOULD RATHER YOU
NOT CALL IT THE "MARIJUANA BIZ."
AS ONE POT-TREPRENEUR PUTS IT, "THE TERM 'MARIJUANA' IS A
MEXICAN SLUR.
ALTHOUGH, IT IS TOLERATED WHEN COMBINED WITH THE WORD 'MEDICAL'
FOR SPECIFIC PURPOSES-- MEDICAL MARIJUANA."
OKAY IF YOU SAY SO, BUT IT SEEMS WEIRD THAT THE OFFENSIVE TERM IS
OKAY IF IT'S MEDICAL.
THE C.D.C. DOESN'T ENCOURAGE WOMEN TO DO SELF-BAZONGA EXAMS.
WE CAN STILL CALL CANNABIS "WEED" THOUGH, RIGHT?
WRONG!
ACCORDING TO ANOTHER "STONED" INDUSTRY INSIDER,
"WEEDS CAN BE UGLY AND DESTRUCTIVE."
COME ON!
THE PLANT IS A WEED!
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE MOST-FAMOUS
GARDENER IN THE WORLD.
SIR, IS MARIJUANA A WEED?
>> IT'S A WEED.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
BUT TO THE WAKE-AND-BAKE CROWD-- WHO ARE NOW ALL WOKE AND BOKE--
"WEED" IS OUT.
ACCORDING TO THE SAME BUZZ- SELLING BUZZ SHACKLER, WE ALSO
CAN'T SAY "POT," BECAUSE POT IS SHORT FOR "POTACIOÓN DE
GUAYA," AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE THAT MEANS "DRINK OF GRIEF."
ACTUALLY, I'M PRETTY SURE "DRINK OF GRIEF" IS THE SLOGAN FOR
JAÄGERMEISTER.
ONE GANJAPRENEUR SAID, "ANY TERM APPLIED TO CANNABIS OTHER THAN
CANNABIS IS NEGLIGENT AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR THAT WE ABHOR."
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE ANY SLANG?
I'VE GOT TO SAY, THESE PEOPLE SEEM PRETTY UPTIGHT.
IF ONLY IT WAS LEGAL TO TAKE SOMETHING THAT COULD HELP THEM
CHILL THE (BLEEP) OUT.
OF COURSE, THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS TO CELEBRATE
4/20.
IN MICHIGAN, THE ARTIST AFROMAN, KNOWN FOR HIS SONG "BECAUSE I
GOT HIGH," WILL BE PERFORMING A 4/20 CONCERT AT THE M40 SPEEDWAY
IN NEWBURG TOWNSHIP.
BUT THERE'S ONE HITCH: >> EVEN THOUGH IT IS A "PRO-POT"
CONCERT-- AND RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA IS LEGAL IN MICHIGAN--
IT WILL NOT BE ALLOWED ON THE PROPERTY BECAUSE ORGERS WERE NOT
ABLE TO GET A PERMIT IN TIME.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE WHO SMOKES A LOT OF POT
DIDN'T GET SOMETHING DONE IN TIME!
OF COURSE, THIS FORCED AFROMAN TO MAKE SOME SMALL ADJUSTMENTS
TO HIS BIGGEST HIT: ♪ I WAS GONNA PLAY BY HIT
BUT NOBODY'S HIGH ♪ YOU HAVE TO GET NECESSARY
PERMITS SNOW NOW NOBODY IS HIGH ♪ IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY... IT'S
4/20 AND NOBODY'S HIGH ♪ AND NOBODY'S HIGH
AND NOBODY'S HIGH ♪ IT'S A LOCAL ORDNANCE BUT
WE'VE GOT TO COMPLY COME ON ALL, CHECK IT OUT
♪ I SUGGESTED THEY FILL IT OUT BUT FORGOT TO REPLY
♪ LET'S ALL GET DRUNK ANOTHER HIT OF MINE ♪
>> THERE WILL NOT BE ANY ALCOHOL OR MARIJUANA AT THE EVENT.
>> SHOW'S OVER.
>> Stephen: WHETHER OR NOT YOU CELEBRATE 4/20, MIND TRIPS MIGHT
BE THE ONLY ONES AMERICANS ARE TAKING ANYTIME SOON, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE STATE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THEY WERE GOING TO
UPDATE THEIR ADVISORIES, RAISING THE NUMBER OF COUNTRIES LISTED
AT "LEVEL 4: DO NOT TRAVEL," TO 80%.
I'VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR THE COLLEGE KIDS WHO WERE HOPING TO
STUDY ABROAD.
YOU CAN'T GO TO BARTHELONA.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FINISH THE THEMESTER IN
"THIN-THINATTI."
FOR A YEAR NOW, OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE BEEN BANNING US.
NOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED, AND THE C.D.C. SAYS, "INTERNATIONAL
TRAVEL POSES ADDITIONAL RISKS, AND EVEN FULLY VACCINATED
TRAVELERS ARE AT INCREASED RISK FOR GETTING AND POSSIBLY
SPREADING NEW COVID-19 VARIANTS."
AMERICA'S BACK, WORLD!
YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH US IF WE BREAK UP WITH YOU FIRST!
AND WE'RE WINNING THIS BREAKUP.
WE'RE POSTING SELFIES ON THE BEACH WITH OUR NEW BOYFRIENDS!
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE IN A POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP WITH PFIZER,
MODERNA, JOHNSON AND HIS JOHNSON.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN STOP CLOROXING YOUR GROCERIES.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, IN A PHONE CALL, THE C.D.C. ACKNOWLEDGED
WHAT SCIENTISTS HAD KNOWN FOR MONTHS: THE RISK OF CONTRACTING
THE VIRUS FROM TOUCHING A CONTAMINATED SURFACE IS LESS
THAN 1 IN 10,000.
IN UNRELATED NEWS: ANYONE LOOKING TO BUY A BOX OF WIPES?
I TRADED A KIDNEY FOR THESE LAST APRIL.
ACCORDING TO THE C.D.C., FREQUENT CLEANING OF SURFACES IS
NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT AS MEASURES LIKE MASK-WEARING,
PHYSICAL DISTANCING, AND WASHING YOUR HANDS.
BUT DISINFECTING "MAY BE USED TO GIVE PEOPLE A SENSE OF SECURITY
THAT THEY ARE BEING PROTECTED FROM THE VIRUS," SOMETHING
EXPERTS CALL "HYGIENE THEATER."
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> "HYGENE THEATER"
>> Stephen: TO BLEACH, OR NOT TO BLEACH?
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SWIFFER THE FLOORS AND
WINDOWS OF INFECTIOUS SURFACE, OR TO TAKE WIPES
AGAINST A SEA OF DOOR KNOBS, AND BY OPPOSING, CLEANSE THEM
TO DIE, TO DISINFECT NO MORE.
AND VACCINE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> THIS HAS BEEN "HYGIENE THEATER."
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF GREAT ACTING AND COVID PROTOCOLS, THE
OSCARS ARE COMING UP ON SUNDAY, AND UNLIKE OTHER AWARDS
CEREMONIES THIS YEAR, HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST NIGHT WILL
BE ZOOM-FREE AND IN-PERSON.
A DISAPPOINTMENT FOR ANYONE WHO WAS HOPING TO SEE DAME JUDI
DENCH CHOWIN' ON BUFFALO WINGS IN HER SWEATPANTS.
TO ENSURE EVERYONE'S SAFETY, THE ACADEMY IS REQUIRING EVERYONE TO
GET TESTED AND TO WEAR MASKS...
OCCASIONALLY.
BECAUSE, YESTERDAY, THEY ANNOUNCED THAT ATTENDEES WILL
NOT BE ASKED TO WEAR FACE MASKS WHEN THEY'RE ON CAMERA.
SMART.
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T CATCH A DISEASE ON TELEVISION.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE CHLAMYDIA?
WE ALWAYS USE A CAMERA!" AND SCENE!
THEY'RE GETTING AWAY WITH GOING MASK-FREE BECAUSE THE CEREMONY
IS CATEGORIZED AS A TV PRODUCTION, WHICH HAS DIFFERENT
RULES THAN NORMAL GATHERINGS.
AS ONE PRODUCER PUT IT: THE CEREMONY WILL "FEEL LIKE A
FILM."
WHICH MEANS THIS YEAR'S OSCARS COULD BE NOMINATED FOR NEXT
YEAR'S OSCARS-- ONLY TO LOSE TO "MANK 2: INFINITY MANK."
SPEAKING OF CARTOONISH VILLAINS, THERE'S BEEN MORE NEWS FROM
MYPILLOW C.E.O. AND TOM SELLECK DRAGGED FROM THE BOTTOM OF A
RIVER, MIKE LINDELL.
SINCE THE ELECTION, LINDELL'S WHOLE DEAL HAS BEEN PUSHING
VOTER FRAUD CONSPIRACIES, WHICH LED TO HIM BEING SUED BY
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS FOR $1.3 BILLION, AS WELL AS BEING
PERMANENTLY BANNED FROM TWITTER.
WHICH MEANS NOW TWITTER USERS HAVE TO GET ALL THEIR
LINEN-CLOSET-BASED CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM THE SERTA SHEEP:
>> HILLARY DRINKS LAAAAAMB BLOOD.
>> Stephen: BUT LINDELL SPRUNG BACK LIKE MEMORY FOAM,
ANNOUNCING PLANS TO LAUNCH HIS OWN SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITE, WHICH
HE BILLED AS A HYBRID OF YOUTUBE AND TWITTER.
DEVELOPING A NEW DIGITAL PLATFORM IS A NATURAL NEXT STEP
FOR LINDELL.
HOW MUCH MORE TECHNICALLY ADVANCED CAN INTERNET
COMMUNICATION BE THAN STUFFING FOAM INTO A CLOTH BAG?
THE NAME OF HIS NEW NETWORK?
"FRANK" REALLY, "FRANK"?
"MYPILLOW TALK" WAS RIGHT THERE.
THE WHOLE POINT OF "FRANK" IS SUPPOSED TO BE "FREE SPEECH."
HOWEVER, THE SITE PROHIBITS SWEAR WORDS, PORN, OR DEATH
THREATS.
SO HIS INTERNET SITE PROHIBITS "THE INTERNET."
WELL, YESTERDAY WAS THE BIG LAUNCH... RIGHT INTO THE TOILET,
BECAUSE THE PLATFORM CONSTANTLY CRASHED, AND USERS WERE UNABLE
TO CREATE ACCOUNTS OR ACCESS THE HOMEPAGE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE MYPILLOW I.T. DEPARTMENT SHANKED
THIS ONE.
FELLAS, NEXT TIME, JUST TRY FLIPPING THE WEBSITE OVER TO THE
COOL SIDE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪