How do you respond to your ex's sexual texts? That's what we're going to be talking about
in this video. But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life. We help you get the great loving
relationship that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play
hard to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because you
of course, deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are.
And if you agree with me and you want to help a guy out with his YouTube channel,
hit that thumbs up button. It sends up a good message to the YouTube algorithm
that says, this is a great video, and you might want to give it a little bit of a lift in your
search results, YouTube. So hit that thumbs up button.
And feel free to subscribe to the channel as well down below, so that you can get notified
when we publish and upload new videos. Okay. Also, I did want to mention that we are talking
about emotional connections in this video. That is something that you want a little bit
of help with. We do of course, have our course called the Ex Solution Program.
You can go ahead and find information on that down below in the description box.
But anyway, what we're talking about here is when you get a sexual text from your ex. Maybe
the two of you aren't talking so much, maybe you talk every once in a while,
and then you get one of these texts out of nowhere where they're
in a mood and you don't know how to respond. What exactly do you do? Do you go into it? Do you hold
back? Where do you go? And there is a couple of things that we need to think about first.
First, I want you to think about, do you feel comfortable engaging with your ex in this way,
even if there's no sort of relationship payoff in the end? Do you feel comfortable just in
sexting with your ex or flirting back and forth with your ex or
maybe even hooking up, if it comes to that, even if it doesn't lead to anything in the long run?
The problem with a lot of people is that they don't feel comfortable doing this sort of thing
if it doesn't lead to something in the long run. But the problem with that is that it's a set up
with a covert contract. Right? You have this sort of implicit agreement in your mind that says,
"Okay, we're going to sext or hook up later today or whatever. And then that's going to cause you
to fall back in love with me because I agreed to do this with you." And that is obviously not a
great place to be in, in a lot of ways in a lot of different areas, but especially when
it comes to sleeping together because there is often a lot of emotion wound up in that.
Your ex might just be looking to have a great physical time. And if you're looking for some sort
of commitment as a payoff for doing this, it could potentially be a big set up for frustration on
your part and for a rough time ahead. So I would be really careful about that. If you are okay with
that, if you're okay to just enjoy it for what it is, whether or not it leads to something else
or not, sure, go ahead and just enjoy it. But if you notice that there is a part of you that says,
"Okay, I'm not fully okay with this just as it is. I would need there to be some sort of
payoff in the end for me to feel good about it," then I would be really careful about this. Okay.
What we want to do as well is we want to make the distinction between the physical connection that
you have with your ex and the emotional connection that you have with your ex. Okay. There are a lot
of people out there who are terrified about being put in the friend zone or that their ex has lost
attraction for them, or things like this that they really go hard for that physical connection. They
really pursue that physical connection. They really pursue that attraction because they're
so terrified of being put in the friend zone. What you want to be careful of is going for
that physical connection. It's totally fine to do that, but you want to be careful about going for
that physical connection at the expense of the emotional connection. Okay. Because obviously,
an emotional connection is a powerful thing that's going to really convince your ex to want to be in
a relationship with you. Chances are, they're not going to want to commit to you or be in
a relationship with you simply because the two of you slept together or because the two of you
have some sort of great physical connection. They're probably going to want to be in a
relationship with you because they feel a strong emotional connection. So please make sure that
you're not just going for the physical connection at the expense of the emotional connection. Okay.
Otherwise, you may end up in some weird territories, like as friends with benefits
or something like that. So really be careful about that. Again, that's not to downplay the physical
connection. That absolutely is important. We just want to make sure that we are not sacrificing the
emotional connection for the physical connection. And by the way, you don't really need to worry
about the whole friend zone thing with your ex. We've made many videos about this in the past.
As long as you and your ex had an actual relationship where the two of you were
legitimately physically attracted to one another, you don't have to worry about the friend zone.
Unless something dramatically huge has happened, your ex is probably still attracted to you. Okay.
Like, unless you've had some sort of personality break or they've had a personality break or
something weird like that has happened where it's just like, whoa, you're not the same person,
then your ex is probably still attracted to you and you don't need to worry about the friend zone.
We've made other videos on this in the past, so I'm not going to rehash this too much,
but you don't need to worry about it. So you don't really need to worry about the physical
connection as much as maybe a lot of people might think that they need to. But what you do want to
prioritize is that emotional connection. Okay. The emotional connection is of course, how we
bond, how we have this shared experience with one another. And that is the foundation of where great
connections are formed from, great memories and the impulse to actually want to be in a
relationship with someone. Yeah, you could want to sleep with someone, but you're probably not going
to want to actually commit to someone unless you have a great emotional connection, at least unless
you have no other options or something like that. Then maybe you might think about committing to
someone just because they're hot. I don't know. But that's not particularly inspiring, but we
do want to focus on the emotional connection. So if your ex is sending you sexual sort of
material, what you want to do if you're in a place where you're not okay with just having the pure
physical interaction, then what you want to do is you don't want to punish them for it,
per se because obviously, you want them to be attracted to you. You want them to feel
comfortable expressing their attraction towards you. You don't want to punish them for it.
But what you want to do is you want to enforce some sort of boundary. Right?
So for example, if you weren't comfortable having some sort of sexual connection outside of a
committed relationship, you might say something like, "That sounds really nice. That does sound
like it would feel really good. However, if I'm being honest with you, I don't feel comfortable
doing that outside of a committed relationship." Okay. That way you're rewarding them for their
interest in you, but you're also expressing some sort of a boundary. And then of course you would
pivot and shift towards the emotional connection. By the way, if you want to learn more about
emotional connection, we do of course, have our playlist on advanced relational skills,
which covers basically connecting on an emotional level. Check it out right up there.
But we want to really focus on building that emotional connection, so that we
have this full connection with our ex, not just this physical connection. We want to
think about this very carefully before we move forward with responding to a physical
or sexual text message or some sort of physical advance, maybe not even a text. Maybe the two of
you are spending time together and things are starting to get a little hot and interesting.
And maybe you're not sure what you want to do, but you want to start thinking about this. Okay.
Are there covert contracts involved? Can you be okay with this assuming it never leads to
anything? If so, okay, great. Take it where you want to take it. But if you're not okay with that,
if there is a part of you that says, "Okay, there is maybe some covert contract thing going on with
me, some sort of strings attached, so to speak, where it's like, okay, part of me is thinking
if we sleep together, then you'll want to get back together with me. If we hook up,
then you'll fall back in love with me again." Okay. That's kind of a set up with a covert
contract and we want to be careful about that. So when that is the case, what we want to do is
we want to not walk into that because obviously, you are carrying a covert contract into that. And
if you walk directly into it without knowing yourself, you're going to end up potentially
very frustrated, very disappointed, et cetera. It's not to say you won't. Maybe your ex would
commit to you if you slept together, but I don't want you making that gamble if you're not certain
about this and how you feel about it. And then maybe you lovingly lay down some boundaries
and just let them know that, "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this," and for whatever reason.
You don't have to say the boundary that I said. I know some people just like to take verbatim
what I say and just run with it. But I'm not just telling you these things so you can just
take them verbatim. I'm telling you them so that you can say, "Okay, this is what it looks like.
Let me adapt it to what makes sense for me. Let me adapt it to my voice and maybe what my
boundary is." I'm not saying that you can't have, you can't sleep together with someone
outside of a committed relationship. That's your choice to make. If it's okay with you,
go for it. If it's not okay with you, if you have some sort of boundary about like, oh,
we got to wait until we get married or something, then go with that. But follow your boundary. Okay.
And then of course, you want to make sure to build up that emotional connection as well too. So
please do that, so that we are not just nurturing and building that physical connection, because the
last thing that I think a lot of people want is to just end up as friends with benefits with their
ex. If that's okay with you, cool, go with it. But if it's not okay with you, then make sure you
build up that emotional connection as well too. But anyway, I hope this video has been helpful for
you. If it has been, please make sure you hit that thumbs up button. I'm pretty sure that will help
you build the emotional connection with your ex. The one thing I can guarantee you is that it won't
hurt the emotional connection with your ex. So please hit that thumbs up button.
Subscribe to the channel down below as well too. And if you are interested in checking out a course
called the Ex Solution Program that covers this and many other complex situations that
you may experience with your ex, please feel free to check out the link down below. And if
you do want to learn more about emotionally connecting with your ex, please feel free to
check out this video series right over here, or please feel free to check out this video right
here. But once again, thank you so much. Please take care. And I'll talk to you next time.