(audience clapping)
- I feel like a lot of the guys I hang out with
don't realize that without abortion and birth control,
women are gonna go right back
to just fucking guys with jobs.
(audience laughing)
(lively hip hop music)
- It's been a very interesting year for me
because a lot of my guy friends have just come out
as predators.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, like I always knew,
but it was like really their journey to figure it out.
(audience laughing)
Good guy friends, comedian guys call me up talking about,
I don't know if I assaulted somebody.
I don't know if I've offended somebody.
I'm like, how do you not motherfucking know?
(audience laughing)
Read the goddamn room, man.
(audience laughing)
If she looks like she's breathing bad air
and has said, no, three or four times, it's a no.
(audience laughing)
Also, guys, don't take your dick out.
(audience laughing)
Who's taking their dick out? Nobody wanna to see your dick.
Nobody wanna to see your dick.
You know, somebody wants to see your dick if they say,
let me see your dick.
(audience laughing)
I wanna see that dick.
(audience cheering)
That's how you know somebody wanna see your dick, guys.
Come on.
Matt Lauer, nobody wanna be your crusty, bitter dick, yuck.
(audience laughing)
Louis C.K., nobody wanna see that ginger dick. No thank you.
(audience laughing)
Harvey Weinstein. (gagging)
Nobody wanna see that pastrami mess, yuck.
Charlie Rose.
How did he get his adult diaper off to show his dick?
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
What? James Franco?
Put a pin in that shit. I wanna see his dick.
(audience laughing)
James Franco, I wanna see your dick.
(audience laughing)
Ooh, I wanna see James Franco dick.
James Franco, I wanna see your dick.
(audience laughing)
If you come to a party at my house,
please do not bring your dick.
(audience laughing)
Bring rose and hummus, okay?
(audience laughing)
And some pita chips. Ooh, so salty and crunchy. Yes.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wanna see that dick.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wanna see your dick.
(audience laughing)
Oh my God.
Now he talking to his friend.
Nobody wanna see my dick? No one told me that.
(audience laughing)
Yeah man, I'm telling you right now.
I got a special, a microphone, lashes,
nobody wanna see your dick.
- Men are out there texting women photos of their penis
all the time.
You wanna see something amazing? Watch this.
Clap if you're a woman in the audience.
(audience clapping)
Okay. Now clap if a dude has sent you a dick photo before.
(audience clapping)
Was there even any difference in the applause?
(audience laughing)
There were just like two people who were like,
well I don't have a cell phone, so.
(audience laughing)
I guess I haven't gotten one,
but many have been emailed to me, yes but.
(audience laughing)
That is so crazy.
How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace?
That's unbelievable.
30 years ago, if I went up to some woman and I was like,
hi, I recently took some photos of my penis
(audience laughing)
and I just got them developed
(audience laughing)
and some of the shots look fantastic.
(audience laughing)
Could I maybe get your mailing address,
send you a few copies?
(audience laughing)
I'd get thrown in jail the next day.
And the headline would read, "Polaroid dick bandit busted."
(audience laughing)
Its a strange thing.
And Miss, you sitting here in the front,
you said that a guy sent you a dick photo.
Now, tell us about this.
(audience laughing)
Now, first off, this doesn't reflect badly on her.
Some dude fucked her phone without her permission.
(audience laughing)
Now, who was this guy? Was this a guy you were dating?
Was it a guy you just met? What was the situation?
- I'd rather not.
- You don't want to talk about it?
I mean, it's not a big deal.
(audience laughing)
All right, Miss, you sitting here right next to her.
(audience laughing)
A guy sent you a dick photo, right? Tell us about this.
Now, was this the guy you were dating?
Was it a guy you just met? What was the situation?
- [Audience Woman 2] Which time?
(audience laughing)
- Let's say, the most recent time.
(audience laughing)
She's like, Aziz, you don't understand my life.
(audience laughing)
I have an archive.
(audience laughing)
Let's say the last time it happened.
Was this is the guy you were dating?
Was it a guy you just met?
- Dating. - Dating?
And how long into the relationship
before he was like, I'm gonna do something romantic today?
(audience laughing)
- About a month.
- A month in.
And when he send the photo,
did he say anything with the photo or was it just the photo?
- Just the photo.
- Just the photo. That's what I thought.
(audience laughing)
Folks, this is another thing I've learned in my research.
(audience laughing)
Approximately 88.9% of all dick photos have no message.
(audience laughing)
Just the photo. Such a strange display of male arrogance.
It's like, what am I gonna do? Speaks for itself.
(audience laughing)
So stupid.
First off, everyone knows what your dick looks like. Right?
And no, one's surprised. All dicks look the same.
They're just dumb and boring looking.
No one's ever got a dick photo and been like,
wow, it's so beautiful, I've never seen one like this!
Everyone come in here
and look at this glorious penis I just got sent!
Oh, it sparkles. No.
(audience laughing)
They all look the same.
Yes. There's some variations in size here and there.
But generally, everyone knows what your dick looks like,
unless it's not circumcised.
In which case it's terrifying. Keep it to yourself.
(audience laughing)
So, Miss, this guy sends you a dick photo. No message.
And did you write anything back?
Or did you just say, like I'm not gonna say anything.
What was the situation?
'Cause that's a tough situation, right?
Like if you don't write anything back
it's hard for him to like change the conversation.
(audience laughing)
You can't send a dick photo and be like,
uh, you wanna go to a five-star restaurant later, maybe?
(audience laughing)
That's a tough predicament.
Last question I wanna ask you.
The photo you got, was the gentlemen erect in the photo?
- Yes. - Yeah, I guess so. Right?
You can't say one where it's like, (Bronx cheering)
(audience laughing)
can you help me? (groaning)
- I am very glad that people are finally starting to talk
about sexual harassment.
I was sexually harassed myself, when I first started comedy.
I was giving this guy a ride home from a gig
and he was like, do you want to have sex?
And I said, no, I don't.
And then he's like, but I have a really big dick though.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, that's not what I'm worried about.
(audience laughing)
And then, he was like, here, I'll show you.
And then, he took out his dick
and it was definitely sexual harassment,
but it was also just a regular dick.
(audience laughing)
That's the part that I found really weird.
(audience laughing)
You know, every couple of months I have to quit Tinder.
'Cause I'll get this like barrage of dick pics
and I'm like, oh God, why do men do this?
And I thought about it
and I'm not trying to blame women for this,
but I will tell you
that I don't think that we're helping the situation
when we have sex with men
and in order to make them feel good about themselves,
we'll say stuff like, oh, it's so big
or, oh, it's so beautiful.
(audience laughing)
Maybe you hear that stuff enough times
and you start thinking,
damn, I've got to show this to some more people.
(audience laughing)
I do not want the world to miss out on this.
(audience laughing)
I care a lot about reproductive rights.
Everyone always talks about reproductive rights
like it's women's rights or a women's issue.
And I don't really think that's the case.
I feel like we all benefit from reproductive rights.
I feel like a lot of the guys I hang out with, yeah.
(audience cheering)
I feel like a lot of the guys I hang out with
don't realize that without abortion and birth control,
women are gonna go right back
to just fucking guys with jobs.
(audience laughing)
Abortion and birth control are basically the bedrock
of the fuckboy lifestyle.
(audience laughing)
I don't even know if the men that I know
understand that sex can make a kid.
They're super worried
that sex can make someone your girlfriend.
(audience laughing)
Back in the 1950s, if you were a guy
and you wanted to get laid,
you had to have a job and a wife.
And if you wanted to sleep with someone
that wasn't your wife,
you typically did it with your secretary
and you still have to have a job for that.
(audience laughing)
There was no way out. Now, it's very different.
I don't even know a man under 35,
who is not a recreational DJ.
(audience laughing)
I once slept with a guy 'cause he had a cool bike,
(audience laughing)
not even a motorcycle, just a Schwinn.
(audience laughing)
I told that story to a friend of mine
and she's like, whoa, that's so weird.
I slept with the guy 'cause he had a cool bike.
Turns out it was the same guy.
(audience laughing)
Obviously, an extremely cool bike.
(smooth hip hop music)