I was scared it would happen again. I knew he had his defibrillator in and you
trust that it works. They hadn't tested it and of course the doctors and
nurses are very blasé because they deal with this all the time, but it's not
their family. So for them to say 'Yep it'll be fine if he needs it will go off'
and nobody really had told me what it would be like if it would go off. To
actually see it physically in Gregor's chest was quite, you know it's quite
impacting so it's quite a large device. So he went through a little bit where he
was sore from his operation. And then of course he was very protected he didn't
want to do an awful lot in case he dislodged it. What would happen if that,
well it's not going to fall out but there's lots of questions. There was a
lot of lifestyle issues where Gregor couldn't drive. So again the onus on
driving fell on me, so we had to have quite a change of position in the family.
Gregor would have done a lot with the kids sports, and again he was very unwell
when he first came back he was very sore he found it difficult too. He was very
breathless. It was difficult for him to even climb the stairs so he was
physically recovering. Yet he was mentally trying to get back to being the
man that he was before and then quite quickly realising things had changed, and
things were going to change we were going on a different course of our life you
know. He'd always have a problem with his heart and we had to factor that in.
Could it happen again? What happens if it did happen and I wasn't around? Or what
happens if it happened and the children were there? So there's a lot of issues
that you've got to really start to think about very carefully. Our own life
insurance for example changed. We wanted to try and go on holiday, we had to then,
Gregor going on holiday with a defibrillator that was different for us.
For the first time he had to pay a huge amount for travel insurance that was new
for us. Gregor's work changed so his
position in the workplace changed so he had a lot of loss although he was still
physically the same Gregor. So all of those were very challenging times it
took a lot of talking, it took a lot of tears, we cried a lot. One of the big
things that we really wanted to do was promote awareness about the importance
of learning resuscitation and also defibrillation because we are passionate
that that's what has enabled our family to be intact. So we had a really big ball
black-tie event which was probably a really good thing because it meant we
had something to focus on and that was in the September. And after the September
I think I physically crumbled. I started to notice that my hair was
falling out in really quite big clumps at the back. Physically I had
everything going wrong, you know, I had frozen shoulders. I had you know just
physically was a complete and utter emotional wreck. And I also realised that
I was still really anxious. I would lie in bed at night shaking and I kind
of had thought for a while gosh there's something seriously wrong with me. I went
through this whole emotion of well you know I can't be ill because if I'm ill
who's going to look after the children? It was a terrible sort of pressure that
I knew that Gregor was still not physically able to do an awful lot of
things. I knew myself that I was going through quite a hard time of I
wouldn't say depression but just anxiety. I think it was really, I did go and speak
to people I went and spoke to the GP. But it took me a good 9-10 months to
physically I think recover from witnessing Gregor having his arrest to
starting to feel more like myself, more able to cope again as a
person, you know. And for the physical symptoms to recover from my hair to
start to go back in, for me to be able to go and do physical activities again and
to be, feel less anxious. I was really quite an emotional wreck. And I think the
kids would quite often say 'Oh mum's crying again' and I would just but it'd
be at something really quite silly and trivial. I knew I wasn't
depressed but I definitely had anxiety and probably looking back now
probably had a post-traumatic stress as well. But as I say now I'm physically an
awful lot better and I can recognise those signs as well now.